The Universe of Teen Vampire Stories Part 6:
“So let me get this straight, you only stalk teenagers because your family’s being held hostage?” Laura said.
“Yes,” Roger answered.
“And whenever you pretend to somehow be fixated on and/or repulsed by them, it’s you acting so that your whole family doesn’t die?”
“And in all actuality it is more or less torment every time those brainless bimbos actually fall for you?”
“Mhmm.” Laura stroked her chin and nodded in comprehension.
“That would explain a lot about your horrendously weird behavior.” Roger huffed in agreement.
“You have no idea. I’ve been enslaved here since the year 1918 when that Demon plucked me from my home and infected me with the glowie venom! I was already 17 back then! I’ve had enough hours, 10,000 according to that Gladwell guy right?... In my painfully protracted lifetime to become a proficient master of piano, martial arts, 8 different languages, race car driving, baseball, you name it! I have enough experience and knowledge in life to be considered a god by most middle aged professionals, why in the flaming depths of hell would I, a 112 year old immortal supposedly undead being, have even the slightest sexual interest in a series of stupid, airheaded teenage brats?! I don’t even have a pulse! And even if I did, wouldn’t that be like pedophilia or something?” He was panting and foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog.
“Whoa, gee not so much at once, slow down,” Laura said. “Anyway, Lissy’s almost done scouting around... I guess we should just wait here... and then we should...” She shook her head. “Whoa, is it just me or am I starting to talk with weird pauses in my dialogue?”
“Yeah, that happens when you’re in here. The demonic fog messes with the minds of the uninitiated.”
“But we are initiated aren’t we Roger?” Alicia interjected. “Being pelted by the sparkly remains of an exploding glowie seems to have rendered me equally susceptible to glowing in sunlight like a tacky display, or rather it would if I didn’t always cover my entire body in a black combat suit.”
“Oh, I also forgot to tell you two that unless we’re allowed to occasionally sit in a corner and brood about how freakish and monstrous we are we blow up,” Roger said.
“I noticed,” Alicia replied. “Anyway, the coast is clear. We’ll be following this map to a very special location. And when we get there... the hunt really begins.” A devilish smile appeared on her black painted lips.
“Uh Lis? Where’d you get the map?” Laura asked.
“I dug it up from another plot hole. This world is absolutely full of them.”
“Okay...” Laura said. “You see where she actually got that map bro?” Uh... no. I didn’t. My vision’s almost as narrow as yours now. “Fan-fucking-tastic.”
Roger and Alicia stepped out onto the sunny Italian streets, with Roger draped in especially dense clothes to hide his glittering and Alicia in a full bodied tunic. Thanks to, yet again, another plot hole, none of the people walking by them noticed their bizarre fashion choices.
“Ugh, if I weren’t immortal I’d have died of heatstroke by now. How are you even alive in that... monstrous black combat suit?” Roger rasped.
“It has a built in cooling system powered by six embedded nuclear fuel cells,” Alicia said. Roger stared at her in confusion. “I designed it in a much more technologically advanced world.”
“Okay,” Roger said. “So what are we doing here and why didn’t you bring your associate with you?”
“My associate will arrive momentarily, I’ve already mapped out that particular plot hole. As for us, the map points us to a location where the scripted ‘villains’ are supposed to appear. According to the appendix, we can skip directly to the midpoint of this increasingly confusing ‘story’ by having you appear at the center of town and pathetically try to kill yourself by goading another clan of evil glowies, only to suddenly be saved by my associate at the last possible second.”
“It’s all right here in the manual. Don’t worry, you won’t die.”
“Oh please if I could die right now that’d be nothing but sweet liberty for me, but like you said something always comes up to save me.” The two made it to the steps of a relatively uncrowded cathedral.
“Stop. The map points us right here.” Alicia took a look around. “So where are these supposed villains?”
“Maybe your friend’s still tracking down the werewolf you sketched from that map?” Roger suggested.
“Possibly.” The two of them stood around tapping their feet and twiddling their fingers. “Well, I did bring an iPhone with me just in case something like this happened. Would you care to take turns playing Angry Bird while we wait?”“Eh, why not?”