Breakfast at Karmuck's Interdimensional Cafe

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Episode 12

The Universe of Teen Vampire Stories Part 8:

Alicia tapped her foot impatiently as the trio of villainous looking glowies... stood at the back of the cathedral doing nothing.

“Would you idiots hurry up and fight already? I’m starting to lose my patience,” she growled.

“Yeah... I know I’m supposed to be dramatic and all but quite frankly, I’m perfectly ready to die and get out of this world,” Roger added. One of the villains, wearing some sort of distractingly red colored contacts, stepped forward.

“Uh yeah, our script said we’d face you alone before the girl showed up to save you. But the uh... girl’s already right here.” He pointed to Alicia and stepped back to join his two silent companions.

“What? Oh don’t worry about me. I’m not the designated Mary Sue, she’s supposed to be here any minute,” Alicia said, raising her arms up defensively. The lead villain pulled out a sheet of paper to read.

“Uh yeah, contract says we stop trying to kill Edgar...”

“You can just call me Roger now, she knows,” Roger said.

“Roger... for no apparent reason the moment a human girl, a plain one at that, enters to plead his case.” Alicia clenched her fists and glared at the villain, clearly offended about something.

“Wait a minute... you think I’m plain?! I am not plain! Do you have any idea what kind of face I have?” Alicia pried off her mask to show the villains her smooth, porcelain like face. “Supermodels wish they could be as beautiful as I am. I am the shining zenith of female beauty! I am the antithesis of plain!” Roger blinked.

“Yeesh, and I thought the Demon was vain,” he mumbled. As soon as her rant was over, Alicia once again assumed her perfectly calm and stoic demeanor.

“Vanity is a primary character trait of mine, no matter what universe I am in,” she explained matter of factly. “Nevertheless, I understand the overall intent of the villain’s explanation and accept the moniker if it means getting through this dreadfully boring story protocol. But I maintain my right to assert that I am in fact very attractive.” As if to emphasize her point, Alicia briskly brushed her long black hair behind her, letting it whip out behind her head like a silk lined flag.

“Alright I get it. You’re hot, not plain, yada yada. Now villain could you read your frigging line so we can get out of this sweltering building?” Roger said.

“Uhh...” The villain was staring at Alicia with lustful eyes. Roger sighed in exasperation.

“Look, she’s not even my designated love interest so you can shag her after the line. Now just let me go dammit!”

“Right uh... ahem. In order to protect the secret of our kinds, the vampires...”

“Glowies,” Roger corrected him.

“Uh... glowies,” the villain said uncertainly. “You must swear an oath to kill or turn the girl lest our wrath be incurred on you,” he said dramatically. “Not really, you can keep her human and we’ll magically disappear for like 2 book’s worth of time,” he added. “Now leave this place, and never returrn! Oh wait that’s my line for another series. Eh whatever, close enough.” Roger nodded and turned around to exit the cathedral. Alicia put the mask back over her face and tucked her hair back into her suit to keep it in place.

“See you later pretty boys,” she said. As the duo walked out of the chapel, they found Laura, panting and hunched over the stairs, waiting for them.

“Alright, sorry I’m late. Speed of plot potion was running a little low,” she rasped. “Wait wait, what happened? Why are you guys coming out already?”

“Your friend here was a good enough substitute for the bad guys... apparently,” Roger explained. “So what’s next according to your all knowing map?”

“Well...” Alicia pulled the map out. “It draws up blank. It just ends here.”

“What do you mean it just ends here? What kind of idiotic buffoon would end a major story section right...”

And it came to pass that the story was over.
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