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Breakfast at Karmuck's Interdimensional Cafe

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Episode 2

The Universe of a Romantic Comedy Part 1:

Laura groaned and rubbed her head as she forced herself upright.

“Ugh, I haven’t had a headache this bad since that one time I tried Carly’s beer bong...” she mumbled.

“I won’t even ask for a recount of that seeing as we have far bigger problems to contend with,” Alicia said as she sat up. Laura crawled across the green lawn and inspected her appearance by way of a reflective pool surface. Her hair, while unbound, was extremely well groomed and in spite of her having no memory of preparing or even touching any makeup, her face was radiant and rosy to the point of absurdity. Instantly, Laura’s eyes widened in panic.

“Oh hell no. We’re inside the tome.”

“I beg your pardon?” Alicia mumbled.

“I read about this awhile back. Assuming I left the book open where I remember, we must be inside a romantic comedy universe. I think I left the book open on Sector NS, whatever that stands for. Think about it. I’m as tomboyish as tomboy gets: I get punched and shot at for a living, I’m as heavy as an NFL player, I don’t even keep lipstick at my house. So why the hell am I suddenly passed out in the middle of an empty field with more makeup on than a clown with a waifishly thin body?” Alicia paused and furrowed her eyebrows. She narrowed her eyes as she inspected her companion. Laura had somehow shrunk down 6 inches in height and from the looks of it lost upwards of 70 pounds.

“Well, I for one think your new look is nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Huh thanks I... wait a minute. You’re just happy that you got to keep your own physique and now you’re taller than me.”

“Guilty as charged. Judging by the dramatic adjustment of your body shape, I can only deduce that you are the main character of this weird world,” Alicia said.

“Shit, how bad is it?”

“If I remember correctly, the sudden change in your physique is most likely a corrective mechanism of this universe to prevent you from somehow being more masculine than your designated love interest. As for what you can expect of your personality...”

“They’re gonna mess up my personality?”

“Yes. The first significant change you will notice is that you will abruptly become more hostile to the male sex. In accordance with Rule 53 Subsection A1 you will callously reject every male suitor that even dares to speak with you; you will recognize your love interest in that he will continue to pursue you even after countless objections on your part. Also, according to Subsection A2 it says in the unlikely event that you do fall in love with him right away an unforeseen, possibly very contrived, obstacle will enter the realm and act as opposition to your love for the sole purpose of drama.”

“You can stop showing off your photographic memory,” Laura grumbled.

“Actually, that was the Author putting the words directly in my mouth to advance the plot. A plot that in all likelihood will take years to advance, at least by in universe time units.”

“Thanks Lissy, you’re a real help,” Laura mumbled. She tried flexing her arms and looked at her reflection. “Aw come on! They could’ve at least let me keep half my muscles!” She tried assuming a standard martial arts stance but tripped for no actual reason. “Or even a quarter of my moves!”

“Fortunately, seeing as I’m apparently the designated ‘homely’ female friend, my appearance as well as fighting ability seems unaltered. For this reason I will act as your temporary bodyguard.” Indeed, Alicia’s own limbs and body retained all of its original musculature and tone.

“Homely! I’m sorry, did I hear that right? You? The homely one? What.The.Hell?! Girl you were the designated seductress in our original fiction!”

“I’ll take that as a compliment. But now’s not the time to worry about appearance, the universe has literally taken care of that for us.” Alicia said. “Now, it won’t do for us to stay in this park for too long. If I recall, unless you actually meet and enter a relationship with your love interest, nothing will advance in the plot and the two of us will remain trapped here for eternity.” Laura blinked for several seconds in complete silence.

“Alright, let’s just find me a fuck buddy and get this over with.”
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