Breakfast at Karmuck's Interdimensional Cafe

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Episode 20

The Universe of Fanfiction Part 3:

Alicia, dressed in her black combat tunic, snuck a glance at LSD as she was not only allowed, but welcomed into the home of a complete stranger.

“You Lis, not to be a pessimist but should we really be looking out for some dude that thought picking up LSD from the middle of an empty alleyway was a good idea?” Laura’s voice hollered into Alicia’s earphone.

“It’s not looking out; it’s watching the guinea pig squirm,” Alicia replied. “If we’re to survive in this universe, we need to find out just what these enigmatic beings are capable of and preparing ourselves accordingly to survive.”

“... I ever tell you you’re fucking sadistic?” Laura said.

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Alicia replied. She peered into the apartment from her hiding roost, adjusting her goggle’s vision spectrum when LSD and the man walked behind a particularly thick set of drapes. With seemingly no build up, LSD suddenly latched onto the man and began kissing him on the lips. The man quickly returned the kiss, staring longingly at LSD when she finally broke away. “Interesting choice of mind control, I would have gone straight for the back of the skull.” Alicia frowned slightly as she scrutinized the scene in front of her. Fine tuning her goggles did little to alleviate her confusion.

“Hmm, I’m picking up high levels of electromagnetic activity around our guinea pig’s skull area. It seems our specimen is capable of remote neurological hijacking. Impressive… and all the more reason I modified my mask into an insular helmet.”

“You think of fucking everything don’t ya?” Laura said.

“Of course. I’ve recorded the radiation. Use the computers we conjured to analyze it. I’ll be there shortly,” Alicia commanded.

“Aye aye captain.”

Later that night, in an exact replica of Alicia’s mansion, she, Laura, and William were gathered around a computer screen staring at Alicia’s compiled surveillance footage.

“What the...” William muttered. The overpowering pink glow on the screen distorted the rest of the image. “Why’s there so much pink? And what’s it doing to that poor guy?” Good question Billy. You see, one of the core functions of the Mary Sue is to hijack and corrupt the personality, judgment, and overall competence of every other sentient being she encounters. Few know exactly how they do it, but it seems your sister is determined to find the answer. “But… aren’t you omniscient? Shouldn’t you know…” Just shut up Billy! Just shut up! “Okay…”

“Based on analysis from my impossibly advanced computer…” Alicia said. “We’re dealing with a Class 2 Mary Sue. A slightly upgraded foot soldier for the colony but easily visible from a mile away.”

“Hold up hold up…” Laura said. “I get that this whole Mary Sue species is a dangerous anomaly from this universe but weren’t we standing like 2 feet away from one- without special protective helmets thank you- and we’re still here. And… we’ve been doing nothing but focusing and talking about her when there have literally seen so many other weird… Oh my God, we gotta stop!”

“Stop what Laura?” Alicia huffed.

“Don’t you get it guys? Mary Sues get their power from attention! We’re three majorly powerful characters from a young, safe universe where there are none and now we can’t do anything but talk about her! Quick! Change the subject! Lis, remember that time you and my brother hooked up? Ohmagod I can’t wait for us to be sisters! Billy! Remember that time you literally became a motherfucker? Guys, remember that time I totally got drunk and stripped at that Octoberfest party?” Laura began hyperventilating as her speech became less and less intelligible.

“Laura…” Alicia muttered, trying her best to hide her fear.

“I don’t care if I sound like a fucking lunatic! The important thing is we have to stop talking about it which must not be named!!” Without warning, she suddenly bent over and vomited blood onto the floor. “Oh God… it’s too late for me. I… I’m dying from sudden withdrawals.” She fell onto the ground; her skin was as pale as the marble floor. “Fan… fucking… tastic. The story barely begins and a Class 2 It Which Must Not Be Named already kills an entire third of the power trio…” And thus, Laura died.
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