Breakfast at Karmuck's Interdimensional Cafe

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Episode 21

The Universe of Fanfiction Part 4:

Laura looked at her phantasmic arms in fascination. Phasing one intangible arm through the other, she yelped nervously when she successfully intersected her arms into an X. “Am I… killed off for real?” You can’t expect to ignore a Mary Sue completely and live to tell about it Laura. “Damn. Stupid Mary Sues… How come I can’t be so damn perfect?” Laura, let me ask you a question. Who do you think is happier, the billionaire business exec that finds an extra million to keep or the impoverished man working 2 minimum wage jobs who finds out a kind stranger gave him $300 for a month’s groceries for his 3 children? “Um…” Do you really think a man who has never known poverty would even blink at a measly million? “Probably not. The poor guy’s gonna be super happy though.” Exactly, it’s hard to really appreciate things if you’ve been spoonfed everything since birth.

“Yeah I guess.” Laura, you are an amazing person. You’ve never been the prettiest, richest, or smartest woman around and life’s, let’s be frank, been cruel and unfair to you. Yet you still fight and fight until, well quite frankly, it’s hard not to admire your tenacity. You’re by far more admirable, relatable, and likeable than all the Mary Sues that have ever existed. I should know, I created you. “Gee thanks. You can stop bragging now.” Ah heh heh, see? Even after dying, that wit of yours is still alive and well. “Great, really wish the rest of me was alive.” Hold on, we’ll get to that. But first I need to give you some instructions. “Instructions?” When you go back to the physical world, things are going to be very very bad. You’re going to need some new powers and I don’t want you using them to accidentally destroy the Cosmos.

Alicia shook her head as her servants carried Laura’s corpse away. William was hunched on his chair, staring at the spectacle with fear in her eyes.

“This is all LSD’s fault,” Alicia said. Both she and her brother had dozens of probes latched onto their skin around their arms and shoulders. “The damage she wreaked on us as mere passersby is considerably greater than I thought. Already, her invasive pathogens are creeping into our nervous systems. I’ve managed to slow its advance, but we need to find a cure fast.”

“So… are we LSD’s slave right now?” William mumbled fearfully. “What do we do? How are we going to cure ourselves?” Good question Billy. If you’ll recall the alleyway where you first encountered LSD, you’ll remember that the far wall had a crack in it. Considering that it was a dead end, there was only one place LSD could have come from. “Oh… so how do we get over that wall?” Billy… I’m sorry; admittedly it’s my fault you’re not the brightest tool in the shed. But since she can’t figure out I can talk to her yet, you’re going to have to figure it out. The.Wall.Is.A.Secret.Door. “Oh… so how…” Just tell your sister Billy. Just tell your sister. “Alicia?”

“What?”

“Remember that alleyway where we found LSD? I think the back wall…”

“Was where she came from of course!” Alicia stood up, prying the probes off her body. “Guards!” A pair of trench coat wearing lackeys appeared to her. “Assemble a team, we’re going hunting.”

Alicia was dressed in her combat suit, crouched down in front of the alley wall, while a pair of her lackeys placed charges around the wall. Thankfully, no Mary Sues had been patrolling the entrance. When the charges went off, a large empty cave opened up in front of the team. Alicia smiled devilishly and pointed inside.

“You three, search the cavern. The rest of you, stay behind me,” she ordered. Even her brother was brought into submission by the power of her voice alone. As the group descended into the underground network, the leading men began to cough and choke slightly as the air grew pinker and more glittery. “Remember to wear your gas masks.” Alicia herself had modified her mask to fit a clear, flat glass mask over her nose and mouth to protect her from the noxious air. They crept into a room filled with various vials and beakers, some of which contained bubbling pink liquid. Most of the group stayed a healthy distance away but Alicia, suppressing any semblance of fear, stepped forward and grabbed one of the beakers. “Interesting…” She tucked the beaker away, even as most of her group began to advance forward.

“Wait, two hostiles; three o’clock,” one of the men whispered. To the right, two scantily clad adolescent girls with sparkling purple hair and flaming pink swords were prancing down the halls. William took the lead and tossed a smoke bomb in their direction to obscure them from sight.

“Now!” he hissed. The team quickly slipped into another room before the smoke lifted.

“I know where the Queen is,” Alicia declared exultantly.

“The Queen? There’s a… you know what, just lead the way,” William said.

“With pleasure…”
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