Breakfast at Karmuck's Interdimensional Cafe

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Episode 23

The Universe of Fanfiction Part 6:

Alicia stomped into the city square and stood on top of the central monument to elevate her stature. Her glowing red eyes shone straight through her dark mask, causing all bystanders to stare at them like a beacon.

“Denizens of Fanfiction, take control. Take control of your world,” she declared. She turned back to watch as her slaves brought out a cage holding a Mary Sue, lined with tinted glass to limit the glitters that naturally radiated from her weirdly colored hair from blinding everyone. “This is but one of many of the foul creatures that keep you enslaved and tormented at every hour of the day.” A pair of Alicia’s guards walked up to her and dropped an awkward looking adolescent girl onto the ground. Alicia grabbed her by the neck and hoisted her up. “Identify yourself to the world.” She placed a microphone near the girl’s mouth.

“Tara Gillespie, fanfiction author,” the girl mumbled.

“And what is that thing?” Alicia demanded, pointing to the cage.

“Muh…. my character Luna Serenity Dyana. A troubled yet beautiful young woman with glowing purple hair and...” Alicia slapped the girl to shut her up.

“Enough. And exactly what would it take to kill this… LSD creature?” The girl’s eyes widened in horror.

“I… I could never kill Luna Serenity Dyana. I would sooner die!” Alicia nodded and dropped the microphone on the ground.

“That is an acceptable proposal.” Alicia snapped the girl’s neck with one hand and pointed at the cage with the other. Her guards rushed in and chucked a grenade inside. Alicia turned back to face the growing crowd in the city square. “Now, this creature is not alone. This creature has allies, and the identity of these ‘Mary Sues’... is a mystery. For even now, the agents of corruption labor hard to integrate them among your ranks. Now I come before you not as a conqueror or another Mary Sue… but as a liberator to return control of your stories back to you, the canonical masses.” The crowd began to clap and cheer for Alicia as she raised her arms up in triumph.

“And do you accept my invitation to you to put down all these corrupt parasites? These pestilent vultures?” she roared. The crowd grew louder and more jubilant. “I offer each and every one of you the chance to take back your stories from the corrupt! The oppressors who have warped and trampled our personalities for decades with facades of beauty, perfection, and love will be toppled and I will give that power back to you, the canon characters. This world is yours. None shall distract or distort your characterization. And start by hunting these foul creatures called Mary Sues down and eradicating them from this domain!” Alicia clasped her hands together and created a citywide wave of red energy, entrapping every single person in proximity to her will. “An army will be raised, blood will be shed, and spoils will be enjoyed! The demons like this pathetic wretch…” Alicia pointed to the corpse of her victim. “... will be exiled until they can learn to write true characters. Your esteemed stories and tales… they will endure.”

“What’s all this noise? And why is everyone running around like a war’s starting?” Good question Billy. It seems your sister has found the source of the Mary Sue’s potency and gotten drunk on its power. It also seems likely that she’ll try to use the power of Mary Sue to take over the Cosmos and become its undisputed dictator. “Oh. My sister’s not a very nice person is she?” No Billy, she is not. She is not. “Hey is that Batman on a gurney?” Yep. Mary Sue withdrawals will knock out even the strongest of characters. “So how am I still standing?” LSD’s dead and because I say so. “Okay.”
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