Breakfast at Karmuck's Interdimensional Cafe

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Episode 25

The Universe of Fanfiction Part 8:

Laura strutted through the city park with the wind blowing in just the right direction to allow her smooth blond hair to billow in the air behind her. She stopped when she noticed a growing crowd of protesters rallying in the middle of the park.

“Are you tired of living under the oppression of Mary Sues? Then join Alicia, with her we can tear down the Mary Sue establishment and restore dignity to the canonical public!” A random protester was standing on a podium addressing his growing audience. Laura stopped and closely inspected the massive banner behind him. Sure enough, it was a huge caricature of Alicia’s face, hidden behind her signature black mask, emblazoned onto the fabric.

“Hey I know that girl!” Laura blurted out.

“Yeah of course you are Sue! You’re probably scared to death of her!” the protester jeered.

“What?! I’m not a Mary Sue. I’m a canonical…”

“Let me guess, dead parents?”

“Well okay so what if my parents were murdered…”

“Traumatizing origins?” the protester continued.

“Well hey I was an orphan!” Laura retorted.

“Perfect life, extremely good looks, and no emotional baggage in spite of all that. Don’t even try to deny it!” The protester pointed a finger at Laura. “Mary Sues like this girl keep putting the rest of us real characters down with their unbearable perfection! All they ever do with their godly power is to oppress us!” The crowd turned on Laura and began jeering and booing at her.

“What I… well I sort of have godly… that’s not the point! I’m not oppressing anyone! You… you’re all oppressing yourselves!” Laura spun around and began trudging away.

“That didn’t even make sense!” another protester yelled. Laura grumbled as she made her way back to her Lamborghini.

“That’s it. I don’t have to take this shit. I’m God,” she whispered to herself. She pointed to the crowd, a spark of lightning beginning to form at the tips of her fingers. “Wait a sec… I got a better idea.” She absorbed the lightning back into her hand and began walking back towards the protesters. “Blessings upon thee, my brethren. How fairest thou on this most gracious day?” Now all the protesters stared at her.

“What… what are you talking about Mary Sue? Get lost!” one of them howled.

“Ah my wayward brother. I did not come here to fight. So as soon as thou repenteth for thy transgressions, I shall absolve thee of all guilt and continue down my path of righteousness.”

“Alright this Mary Suing is just getting ridiculous!” the protester on the podium yelled. “You want us to apologize?”

“Verily verily,” Laura said, a sinister smile forming on her face.

“Fine. I’ll apologize to you the day a lightning storm comes and hits me square between my eyes. How about that?” Laura burst into raucous laughter and pointed ominously at the protester.

“Hilarious that you say that because that day… is today,” she replied. On command, the air around the protester formed into a black storm cloud no wider than the protester’s head. Before he could even blink, a lightning bolt sprang out and struck him directly on the forehead, between his eyes, and knocked him out cold. Once he was on the ground, the cloud dissipated. The other protesters stared and cowered away from her.

“Oh no, it’s a Class 5 Mary Sue! Retreat! Retreat!” The rally quickly dispersed into the park as the terrified protesters attempted to flee from Laura.

“Don’t forget your parting gift!” She hollered. She raised her arms up to the heavens and summoned a column of locusts directly onto the protesters’ heads, causing them to scream out in terror as they tried in vain to shoo the insects away. With her enemies in tatters, Laura casually swaggered away from the scene with her hands on her hips. “I could so get used to this…” she mumbled to herself.
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