Breakfast at Karmuck's Interdimensional Cafe

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Episode 28

The Universe of Fanfiction Part 11:

“Milady! We have a massive crisis!” One of Alicia’s henchmen stormed into her bunker, breathless.

“I was hoping you would be a bit more specific,” she retorted.

“12 more Mary Sues have been spotted running around downtown.”

“So? I gave all of you the chemicals to destroy them on sight. Why is this my concern?” Alicia sighed wearily. She kept her mask fastened tightly over her face.

“That’s the problem. No matter what we throw or what we try, they will not die. We think they’re omnipotent.” Alicia’s face fell into a disgruntled frown.

“Hmm, I was worried that such an outcome would occur.” She stood up and turned to face her henchman. “Gather what men you can. We’re going hunting.”

“But ma’am these Mary Sues are…”

“Leave that to me.”

Alicia stood and watched, in abject horror, as a dozen of Laura’s clones, each with hair more bizarre than the last, pranced around with uncannily wide smiles and began handing out everything from money to ponies to brand new sports cars to random people on the street, all for seemingly no reason.

“You weren’t exaggerating,” she murmured to her underlings. “It would appear that my friend Laura has been resurrected and cloned as a Mary Sue. Multiple times. I’m wondering if the real one is still around here somewhere.” At that precise moment, Laura descended into the city with a parachute on her back and grinning like an over-enthusiastic idiot.

“Yo, Lissy. I was starting to wonder where you were at. You seen your brother around? Eh what does it matter, I see him. He’s right here.” Laura spontaneously pulled William, who was still curled up as if hiding, from mid air and dropped him on the ground in front of his sister. “Say uh you guys wanna go boating in the Bahamas? It kinda gets boring going alone.” Alicia eyed the seemingly normal, blond Laura with suspicion and pointed a finger at her.

“Are you… are you really you?” she asked.

“Uh yeah Lis.”

“Prove it.”

“You’re a prissy little bitch.” Alicia blinked several times and retreated.

“Fair enough.” Alicia continued looking around as Laura’s clones continued causing mayhem with their oh so perfect omnipotence. “Now what are those?”

“Oh don’t mind them. They’re just my clones that answer all my prayers for me.”

“Your what? Are you mad?! You made those things rampaging around the city?”

“Um… yeah?” Laura said.

“Leaving them to tear the very fabric of reality apart with their uncannily powerful Mary Sue powers?”

“Mary Sue powers what the hell…”

“You gave all of them stupidly improbable hair colors, they smile and are the center of attention via prayers, and they are oh so perfect with their benevolence in answering all prayers no matter how ludicrous and having downright omnipotence! Oh, and it seems in your oh so mighty wisdom that you decided to make them unnaturally good looking, though judging by your own appearance I’m sure you made yourself over before cloning them. Either way, you’ve created 12 of the very things that have been tormenting us since our arrival here.” Laura blinked, spending several seconds staring blankly at Alicia before it finally clicked.

“Shit.” Laura cleared her throat and surveyed the city, which was indeed starting to fall apart at the seams. “Listen up fuckers!” Laura howled at the top of her lungs, which given her omnipotence meant everything on the planet heard her.

“Excellent choice of vocabulary milady, just excellent,” Alicia quipped, her voice dripping with sarcasm. Nevertheless, Laura’s clones obeyed her and assembled together in front of her in two straight lines.

“It worked didn’t it?” Laura replied. “Alright, give me a quick report. How many prayers have you answered.”

“4,463,483,483 and counting ma’am!” the candy cane haired clone replied. Alicia and Laura looked at each other in dismay. On cue, a molotov cocktail flew over the girls’ heads, striking a nearby building and shattering the windows.

“The fuck?”

“No my church is the real one! My God actually answers all prayers, no exceptions!” a random voice yelled.

“So does mine!” another yelled.

“God almighty, hear my prayers and smite this blasphemer with a meteor!”

“God almighty, hear my prayers and smite this blasphemer with a swarm of locusts.”

“Oh no no no no!” Laura stammered. However it was too late, a meteor indeed landed in the middle of the city, throwing debris everywhere but surprisingly killing no one, only knocking a half dozen bystanders unconscious. The swarm of locusts came shortly after. Elsewhere, a visible mob of men could be seen fist fighting and brawling over one of Laura’s clones, the one with polka dot hair. The clone kept apparating away as the mob got closer but the men chased after her like ravenous predators. “Give me a sec with this.”
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