Breakfast at Karmuck's Interdimensional Cafe

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Episode 29

The Universe of Fanfiction Part 12:

“We wait ten seconds like you requested… and somehow you turn a small two blockwide domestic dispute into a full blown apocalypse… Nice work, my father would be proud of your utterly destructive nature,” Alicia deadpanned. Around her, Laura, and William the city was somehow engulfed in flames. Gunfire was going off in every direction while dinosaurs rampaged around eating unfortunate stragglers.

“Uh… I forgot to turn off my clones?” Laura said weakly. “Alright! Reset!” Laura soon found herself floating in a black, absolutely empty space of pure nothingness. “Nevermind nevermind! Go back please!” Laura was thrust back into the rioting city. “Okay, uh let’s try…” Another molotov cocktail blew up at her feet, narrowly missing her. “Okay girls where are you! Wherever you are, new rule: don’t answer anymore prayers for molotov cocktails!” Right then an RPG round hid Laura square in the chest, shredding her shirt to tatters. She only stayed alive thanks to her omnipotence. “Or any other weapons okay!” At that moment, a wormhole opened up above her, releasing Cthulhu into the city to terrorize its already disheveled denizens. “Oh come the fuck on!” Another rocket flew at the newly summoned monster, which Cthulhu easily shrugged aside when it detonated.

“Which of your idiotic bimbos’ bright idea was it to summon every semi-powerful being from the Jedi to Cthulhu at the same time?” Alicia growled as she and William charged out, carrying smoking RPG launchers.

“Fanboys must’ve realized prayers actually work,” Laura muttered.

“And why are they using them to destroy the world?!” William cried. Overhead, a battle was brewing between Cthulhu and Darkseid.

“I don’t know! I really fucking don’t know!” A batarang landed in the pavement in front of Laura. “Tell me that isn’t a fucking…” The batarang blew up, charring Laura’s face and chest. “Fan-fucking-tastic. I don’t wanna know where that even came from.”

“Well, it’s apparent that you have all the power. Do something!” Alicia exclaimed.

“I can’t! I don’t know how! It’s all a totally convoluted, plotless mess!” Laura fell to her knees. “I can’t take it anymore man! I don’t wanna be God. I want you to decide what happens in the story. I surrender to your will!” Well gee Laura, thanks for calling me now after you screw everything up and turn the plot to mush. “I’m sorry bro, I can’t do this God/Author thing. This story hasn’t had a coherent plot in You know how long. It’s nothing but wish fulfillment and nonsensical crossovers! The wish fulfillment is kinda nice but it gets old real fast.” Yeah… that’s kinda what most of the fanfiction universe was already so you’re actually doing just fine. “I don’t care if you keep telling me I’m doing fine. This is driving me crazy. Literally nothing is making any fucking sense anymore! Just tell me how the hell the three of us can get out!” Well, you’re still omnipotent. All you had to do was pull yourself back to Karmuck’s. “...You’re fucking kidding me.” What part of omnipotence don’t you get? “So you’re telling me that all this time, all I ever had to do was just stop acting or using my powers and I could go back to Karmuck’s with a literal snap of a finger?” Well you do have my job as author right now so… yes. “Can I kill you?” No. “Riiight.” No really, the second you leave the fanfiction universe you will be abdicating all your power and submitting yourself back to my will again. “Really? You can’t make me, say, God over another universe?” Nope, sorry it doesn’t work like that. “You’re no fun.” You’re more than welcome to stay and sort this mess out. “Alright alright… just. Could I have a new Lamborghini when I get home? Those are really nice cars. Pretty please?” … I’ll think about it. “Fine.”

And so, Laura neglected the universe long enough to let it die and went back to Karmuck’s with her friends.
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