The Universe of a Romantic Comedy Part 2:
“You know I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that literally every other male in this universe is a hunk or the fact that the rules curse me to act like a jackass towards them,” Laura said.
“Oh trust me, the men look normal. Another rule of the Romantic Comedy, as I remember this universe being called, is that underneath your gruff exterior you are extraordinarily lonely not to mention horny, but due to contrivances you simply never once think to pursue a man yourself,” Alicia explained.
“Fan-fucking-tastic.” The two women walked into a mall and began perusing the department store.
“Now, in spite of your obviously well prepared appearance, a crucial component of many Romantic Comedy plots is the makeover. For some contrived reason, your lover to be will need to see you as nothing short of Aphrodite herself in order to be moved slightly, though I’d reckon that might possibly be to counteract your predetermined caustic greeting. In any case, I believe the proper shortcut for this route is to simply buy dozens of increasingly absurd outfits that by universal magic will make you more desirable beforehand to save us the trip later. The plan might fail but it’s certainly worth a try.” Alicia walked into the dress aisle and began perusing the colorful garments with Laura in tow.
“Yo Lissy, that guy looks hot. You think he might...” Alicia took a quick look at the man Laura was pointing at: a young and attractive African American. Suffice it to say, she already knew where this was headed.
“No. As per Rule 61 Subsections A1 and B3, you as a Caucasian woman are automatically barred from any romantic interaction with African American males of any kind, no exceptions except in the AA Sector, but there the whole plot is about nothing but race.” Laura’s jaw nearly fell to the floor.
“What kind of racist jackass made this universe?” she growled.
“The unrepentant one. This universe is only one of millions of different permutations, a vast majority of which are governed by this very rule.” Laura huffed.
“Yeah, well if I ever find him or her, I’m gonna beat the shit out of them.”
“Assuming you regain your musculature and your combat skills.”
“Shut up.” The two women continued to go through the store until another attractive man, this time he was white, went up to assist them.
“Can I help you?” he asked politely.
“No time to talk now bub, I got important things to do,” Laura blurted out. The man, needless to say, shrugged and shuffled out of sight. Immediately after he had left, Laura covered her mouth. “Shit, it’s already starting. I’m being a jackass to all men!”
“Really? I couldn’t tell,” Alicia quipped. “Let’s get out of here before you make an even bigger fool of yourself.”
After shopping and somehow finding a house to store all the goods, Alicia and Laura found themselves cruising through a bar that, in spite of any normal logic, was miraculously filled with smooth talking and good looking men as opposed to lonely old drunkards.
“Well, I suppose this universe is willing to make your job a little easier, if only easier implies swiftness,” Alicia said. “Have fun being a bitch to everyone and hoping one of them falls for you, I’ll take a brief cessation of existence to rest from this troublesome premise.”
“Cessation of what?” Laura asked. Naturally, in spite of literally throwing herself into a fountain earlier for amusement, she had somehow dried up with all her makeup and hair completely unphased.
“Cessation of existence. As a minor character, I cannot be anywhere nearby to in any reasonable way keep you balanced when you meet your man. Anytime a potential first meeting is at hand I am liable to simply slip from existence without warn...” Laura blinked. Her only familiar companion was gone.“I hate this universe.”