Breakfast at Karmuck's Interdimensional Cafe

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Episode 9

The Universe of Teen Vampire Stories Part 5:

The women arrived at a huge, foreboding mansion built miles into the absolute middle of nowhere. Parking their motorcycle under a conveniently placed cliff, they began climbing up towards the estate.

“Yeesh, and I thought your house was tacky,” Laura said. She was panting as she was climbing, hunched down from sheer exhaustion. “How much... further?”

“We’ve only climbed about 200 meters. If you’re already tired, I have serious doubts about your physical fitness,” Alicia deadpanned.

“Oh... fan-fucking-tastic. Not only am I anorexic, I have the stamina of a dying anemic.”

“On the bright side, anemia will be an excellent deterrent against the real vampire that the glowies are probably hiding in the mansion until nightfall.” Laura shot Alicia an irritated glare.

“I fucking hate you right now.”

“Well, right now you’re clearly too tired to make the rest of the climb. Get on my back, it’ll be faster if I carry you at this point.” Laura tried to protest, but Alicia’s deadly glare was enough to silence her. One short, awkward climb later the two of them were crouched down under some hedges, surveying the mansion for an entrance. “Wait here, I’ll clear the house of glowies, tie down the real vampire, then we can kill him, stab him, or whatever it takes to get out of here.”

“Right,” Laura said. Alicia vanished into the house, leaving her companion to twiddle her thumbs while keeping her pigtails out of the leaves. “So... just us huh? What’s up?” My vision’s getting hazier and hazier. If you’re asking for plot points... well quite frankly at this point your guess is as good as mine. “Shit.” Yeah I know... anyway, here’s what your friend’s doing.

Alicia switched her mask’s display into x ray sensitive vision. Looking through walls and floor panels, she could see around a dozen figures randomly milling around the house, seemingly with absolutely no purpose. She lowered herself onto the top floor as quietly as she could and crept into a nearby bedroom. She kept an eye on the denizens of the mansion below but narrowed her eyes. Somehow someone had snuck up behind her. Before the unnamed intruder could come any closer to her, Alicia spun around, grabbed him by the arm, twisted it behind his back, and pinned him to the floor.

“How did you sneak up on me?” she whispered harshly into the teenage boy’s ear. “And what the hell are you?”

“I... I...” The unspeakably handsome and beautiful... Oh geez I’m doing it again aren’t I? The plain boy made a weird grunting sound while trying to escape, but Alicia was somehow much stronger than him, probably due to being a developed character.

“Wait, I remember. You must be the glowie bigshot, blessed with the totally not creepy ability to sneak into bedrooms where teenage girls are. Edgar is it?” Alicia said. Her captive nodded.

“I feel protective...”

“You don’t even know who I am you imbecile. Drop the act and tell me what’s really going on or I will rip your head off.”

“No really I...” Alicia rolled her eyes.

“Please, if you’re going to pull off a lie, at least learn to be convincing. Your acting is so flat and one dimensional a five year old could catch on. Tell me what’s really going on and I might choose to help you.” Edgar blinked several times and surveyed the room in fear, as if scoping for an unseen monster.

“Okay, I have to be real quiet, the Demon might hear me,” he whispered, almost too inaudibly for Alicia to hear.

“Well then I’m all ears.” Alicia leaned in closer.

“My real name is Roger Patrick, I was kidnapped from my home to become a vampire...”

“A better term would be glowie, trust me you are nothing like an actual vampire,” Alicia interjected.

“Uh right. Anyway, the Demon keeps my family hostage and forces me to stalk random, pathetic teenagers for her own entertainment. Then she sucks out their souls and inhabits their bodies and spits the souls back into the dimensional wastes. It’s torture I tell you! I can’t do it anymore...”

“Slow down. Hostage? Entertainment? How many other teenagers before L... er Ella have you been assigned?”

“I don’t know, the Demon uses her Dark Magic to distort and blind anyone who questions her.” Aha! I knew some funny business was going on in this universe!... Oh, right. Back to the story. Alicia scrutinized her prisoner for several more seconds before shoving him away.

“Very well. In that case, I have a proposition for you. I will help you rescue your family and in return you will help me and my teenage associate escape this miserable world and return to the dimensional wastes,” she said.

“And... what about me? Can my family come too?” Roger pleaded.

“Fair enough. The Interdimensional Plane is more than big enough to accommodate them. Now hurry up; we need to escape this wretched place before any more of the Demon’s minions find us.”

“How do we...” Alicia grabbed Roger by the arm and began running out of the bedroom. Before he could figure out what happened, they were outside the mansion. “How did we...”

“It’s called a plothole. Your Demon seems horrendously sloppy with them. Now let’s go.”
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