Movie reviews from a wannabe critic

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Summary

Opinions on movies

Genre:
Humor / Other
Author:
RedX9
Status:
Complete
Chapters:
1
Rating:
n/a
Age Rating:
13+

Chris Pratt World

I watched Jurassic world alone in the cinema and it made me realize why I don’t like to watch movies on screen, it’s too bloody cold. Seriously my teeth are chattering all the way through.

Jurassic world is very popular with everyone, three weeks into release date and the theatres are still jam packed with audiences. Dinosaurs for the kids, action scenes for the gentleman, Chris Pratt for the ladies etc.

I badly needed to watch the movie and I didn’t care to wait (Sorry to that particular someone out there). I’m not going to do research on Jurassic world because I’m too lazy and the internet has already done it for me. I’m just going to speak my opinions on it. But there's still going to be some comparisons between this and the original Jurassic park 1. Also obvious spoiler alerts but I don’t care. And I may not get my information correct about certain things in the movie. So please, do bitch and moan to me if I said something wrong.

I thought it was okay, there were some badass scenes in it. The thing that stuck out to me was how they decided to turn this into a good vs evil scenario. There are way too many good vs evil thrown in it I was wondering if I’m watching a superhero movie instead. Look back at Jurassic park 1, now that is timeless piece of film. It’s not about getting rid of the menace and whatsoever. It’s about the experience of the people travelling through the island. The kids and the adults were all very timeless, learning about themselves and dinosaurs. We get to learn with them, we feel enthralled when we see them with the giants. We feel scared for them when they’re being hunted down by velociraptors. The feelings are all genuine. You just feel like you’re in the movie. Jurassic world however feels like an action movie, with Chris Pratt in it.

That new hybrid dinosaur is lame, it just looks like a bigger T-Rex with many other animal genes spliced into it, it’s just there to be the villain. Switching body heat off naturally like a tree frog and camouflaging like a cuttlefish, yeah these are the abilities that allowed the dinosaur (which I’m going to call thatnameIcouldn’tbothertoremembernosaurus) to escape from her enclosure, lol what? So the only thing the people track this thing in the enclosure is her body heat? Don’t they have surveillance to check on the dinosaur? And then we have the camouflage thing which is just as stupid, this is a dinosaur bigger than a T-Rex mind you. So you’re telling me everyone monitoring this enclosure could not see a tree shaped dinosaur in the area. Not even Pratt, who is like what the smartest person in this movie? The reason why cuttlefish can get away with camouflaging is because it looks like the rocks and reefs around it. Unless the dinosaur is shaped like a tree or has shapeshifting abilities, everyone is going to notice a huge green dinosaur like tree in the enclosure.

They claim thatnameIcouldn’tbothertoremembernosaurus is smart and cunning. So when Chris Pratt drenched himself with gasoline under a truck and stayed there to prevent detection from smell, she is just going to be like “Oh that’s a smell that’s not natural. So there couldn’t possibly be someone under there using this smell to mask himself…I’ll just go then”. You might think that Pratt would roll around in mud to smell like the earth but nope he chose to mask himself in one of the most obvious unnatural scents in the world. You can literally smell him across the island. Cunning and smart my ass. If there’s a parody out there, I do hope they address this. For He or She doing a parody on this, please burn Pratt with fire at the end, thank you.

We don’t even get to see these abilities outside when she’s hunting. Wouldn’t it be amazing to see her using her camouflage as a way to stalk her prey? Or fake her body heat so that she could be hipster enough in the crowd of normal looking dinosaurs?

The casualties, it’s all expected in a Jurassic park movie until I saw that one scene of that woman no one cared about being eaten alive by that giant sea dinosaur. Do you what this means ladies and gentlemen, this is the very first female casualty on screen for a Jurassic park franchise, bring on the poppers! Ah the feminists must be so proud.

You also kind of know who gets killed in the movie. The Maserati guy, I did not expect him to be axed this quickly halfway into the movie. The war bound guy, oh he’s waiting to be killed. I do wish they throw a curve ball and attempt the unexpected. Have Pratt be brutally eaten alive by thatnameIcouldn’tbothertoremembernosaurus. I would give this movie higher marks and that well deserved respect already. And I’m also guessing there’s a sequel because the Asian scientist escaped. He looks more like a hairdresser than a scientist. That’s one reason why Pratt wasn’t axed.

We also get standard scenes of the female lead saving Pratt and using a gun to kill something. Plus two more points for feminism, they are on a row! They shared a kiss as well which is a staple for action movies. If there’s a girl and a guy in there whether they are a couple or not, they would end up kissing each other. The kid actors were nothing special and not that memorable. At least the teen didn’t spray douche-cologne that day and the younger brother has mood swings all of a sudden. The movie just adds in the random parents are divorcing scene because this is something to care about in a dinosaur movie where huge lizards gobble up everything in sight. At least it gets overlooked way too quickly. And they have the kid genius syndrome where they could somehow repower a car old enough to be their elder brother. Can your kids do that huh, have that sudden mechanical ability to repair machinery? Maybe they watched too much fast and furious.

The scene where Pratt was seen riding along with his raptors, oh that scene was a minute of awesome. Then all is lost when thatnameIcouldn’tbothertoremembernosaurus shows up and goes all “You’re all on my side you idiots” to Pratt’s raptors. She then leaves like a boss and the raptors threw a rebellion and killed everyone except for Pratt and surprisingly the black guy which I was expecting him to be killed off. A missile came for no apparent reason and destroyed one of Pratt’s raptors when he’s death gazing it literally a few feet away and the blast only threw him back, the second time Pratt should have been killed. And here’s my question, why don’t the soldiers just shoot thatnameIcouldn’tbothertoremembernosaurus when she’s communicating with the raptors? Are they so enthralled in hearing dinosaur speech that for a moment forget how a rifle works?

That last fight scene between the T-Rex and (you know what I’m sick and tired of cutting and pasting this word everywhere) was so clichéd. The raptors can act on human emotions now, maybe they’re spliced with human DNA too. And now they side with Pratt again just because he took off the transmitter on its head and understands them. For your information they tried to murder him at the beginning of the movie.

The final battle felt like superhero stuff to me. Unlike the first Jurassic park, the T-Rex here isn’t even charismatic now. He was before only shown barely one minute of screen time and now he’s just there thinking “I’m don’t know what the hell’s going on but some bitch just let me out of my prison. Oh here’s the bitch. I’m going to go, om nom nom on her now”. And then he fights monstrosity in a bloodied battle and was losing at the start. One of Pratt’s velociraptors had a dramatic entrance where he’s shouting something like “for Narnia” or anything close to that. I don’t know whether I should laugh out loud or not.

The velociraptors and T rex (the good guys) then joined forces to fight monstrosity (the villain). With the power of teamwork, they managed to push her back next to the water enclosure. And then woman killer steals the show by dragging her down a watery grave.

By the way those velociraptors can survive everything! I’m surprised the one who had been destroyed by the missile didn’t get up unscathed and be like “I’m Raptor Jesus Motherfuckar!”

Overall it’s very vanilla action and is no way even half of the original Jurassic park’s epicness. But it still works as a standalone film. So yeah do watch Chris Pratt World if you have the time and interest.

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