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A mundane day

By RedX9 All Rights Reserved ©

Humor

A Mundane Day

A mundane day

Today sucks.

The alarm wailed like nobody’s business and there I was sitting on the bed staring at the annoyance. I’m already awake and suffering from a hangover, just shut up! An anger inside me started to grow into massive waves. I felt the urge to throw my alarm into the wall. Maybe I could take a mallet from my art kit to pulverise it or even better throw it out of the window, hearing the loud crash as the annoying clock moaning to its death. I laughed at my alarm clock murdering options while the reality slowly sunk in; my hand slowly tapped the button on the alarm head.

There’s just no inspiration for me today, nothing was happening in my mind. I stared at my easel in the room. I’ve already finished outlining and painting my insane version of the Eiffel tower, spikes everywhere making it look like a metal cactus, and it’s yellow with orange polka dots to add to the sickly effect.

But insane Paris around it was yet to be drawn or visualised, beer was truly impeding on my thought processes today.

Feeling weary and light-headed, my movements were sluggish as I dragged myself to the bathroom mirror. There were many wasted moments in my life, partying for the whole night drinking booze. Partying all night after my graduation for the whole night drinking booze and partying before my best friend's wedding for the whole night drinking booze. And last night seemed like a combination of all three.

Dressed only in my undies, my hair was a masterpiece with messy dye colours of red, brown, black, yellow, even pink, Jackson Pollock would be proud. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy, with those dark circles mocking me from the lack of sleep. The strong definitions of eye bags didn't help as well. Months’ worth of beard lingers everywhere around my jaw line. I took a razor to my jawline when I was sixteen and promised myself never to shave again unless I badly needed to. Let’s just say I almost ended in the ICU back then. My lips didn't fare better; they were crackled and dry. An overwhelming thirst grew inside my body as well; it felt like the Sahara in me. I don't understand, isn't beer like water?

Turning on the shower tap, the desert in me immediately turned into the North Pole. Extremely freezing, I jumped and jolted back to life. The chilling water soon subsided into a much better temperature, unclothing the binding warmth wrapping around me. Nothing beats having a cold shower in the morning.

My toothbrush rocked to and fro in my mouth with force. What's the use, my teeth were always yellow. Gurgling on some tap water, it proceeded to tickle the back of my throat, prompting me to throw the mush of toothpaste out. Swear and cuss words form without fail.

Being too lazy to even wear some clothes, I found myself in the kitchen heating up my frying pan. I opened my fridge to find bacon strips and tomatoes along with slabs of salmon followed by a stick of leftover butter, some eggs as well as cans of beer. I whipped my eggs and dumped in the stick of butter. The butter was solid so it took some time to mix with the eggs. I jabbed my fork around, slashing it violently as it eventually blended perfectly with the eggs. I washed the tomatoes and cut them up into quarters. I never did anything to the bacon, I didn’t slice it, or marinate it, or tenderize it; I just prayed I didn’t get cancer from it. I dumped all the ingredients in together with the cooking oil into the pan when the crazy symphony started. I washed the tomatoes didn’t I, this was a point of no return for me. Suddenly only wearing briefs while you are cooking wasn't a good idea anymore. Everything was getting out of hand, like a rabid animal going loose. But everything was under control as I moved as far away from the stove as I could, letting my thumb and index finger control the spatula. I felt like a literal naked chef.

While cooking, I took a can of beer, snapped it open and drank it when an idea propped up in me. I wanted to know how beer flavoured bacon and eggs would taste like. A can of beer in the morning won’t harm me, so I poured half of the contents in. I could only manage about half because a pillar of fire immediately rose up by then. My life had flashed in front of my eyes by then. I turned on the sink, collecting copious amounts of tap water with my hands before I tossed it all onto the pan…

So much for being the naked chef for fifteen minutes. This was my breakfast, a gooey pile of nuked brains that’s supposed to be the scrambled eggs. Crappy looking salmon, gummy and wrinkly grandma looking tomatoes. But the bacon was cooked nicely…for my standards. Do I really want to eat everything on the plate? I took a bite of my salmon and it wasn’t even cooked inside. So just now’s bonfire wasn’t even enough to cook everything? Good luck to me for not catching salmonella and eggnella and baconella and tomatonella, as well as cancer.

The lazy bug bit me once more as I sank right into my armchair, looking at the week-old newspapers. I didn't know that the convenience store down below had a sale for beer. I cussed at my stupidity for ignoring such a bold move initiated by them. The papers flipped quickly onto the comics section as I browsed for the "jackass" comic strips. I love "jackass". They had the most retarded jokes. I spent ten minutes laughing my ass off from the comics section. After that it was sports, basketball team in my neighbourhood lost again. I snickered at their plight, losers. With that, I tossed the newspaper aside and yawned again. It was already noon and I felt sleepy. With a long dragging yawn, my head dropped south again.

Wait a minute…my mind suddenly jutted awake. Sphere shaped buildings with vomit inducing girlish blue and boyish pink colours! Nah, it’s too normal for my standards. And then I woke up.

It was half past three already, my state of mind soon transitioned into gassiness and sedation. Smiling to myself, I slouched back even more. So here I am, dressed only in my undies, lying like a king on his throne. I am at peace in my own haven. So now what? A king never wants to leave his own chair. So I surfed the television and browsed through the channels.

“Welcome to the funniest and craziest show on earth!” the show bragged as I fixed a grumpy face. Ten minutes into it and I concluded that the funniest show on earth was lame.

A girl’s head was spinning around as jarring, stinging music ran rampant, that stupid exorcism movie again.

I then changed to the local music channel, some stupid singer that I couldn’t even bother to hear or know was singing about babies, wasted no time to kill the screen off to snort at it, what a stupid day.

A man's mind is really weird don't you think? Thinking of anything suggestive would make the blood flow in between the legs and when that moment comes. I don't have to explain everything in detail huh?

Thinking of Eve was so much satisfying, so I drank more beer after that. Alcohol erupted and geyser out of the can, splashing everywhere on my pale skin. Nevertheless I send the fountaining liquid into my mouth, it was satisfying beyond believe. Then I took a quick cooling bath and that was it.

I flinched for a second as I realised it was almost five, how could I forget about this. I dumped on a t-shirt and jammed myself into any pair of shorts I could find. I am excited to meet my girl again; as we could only meet once every two weeks. Matting my Pollock hair with some water and thinking of all the exciting things to do, the doorbell rang. It was Eve...together with two girls behind her. Why in the holy mother must she volunteer to babysit some kids on this day? Don't they have maids or nannies? Well there goes my evening and midnight plans with her. My already sour mood turning even sourer.

“My nieces Jenna and Frankie, had to babysit because their parents are out of town tonight and I happened to be the closest contact.” Eve said. Frankie…I have never heard of any girl named Frankie, isn’t Frankie a boy’s name?

Jenna was the better-behaved kid but Frankie was the annoying one. That girl was such a terror I swear she’s a boy in disguise, I’m just going to call her Frank. She was bratty to Jenna and Eve, she almost ruined polka Eiffel with her manly hands and she called my hair a stupid piece of mop. Frank also added that Eve deserved someone better than me because I was fat and my apartment was in a mess.
One whole hour of me watching kiddie cartoons on the television and uninteresting girl talk passed by and they wanted to play monopoly, I stared at Eve with a sullied look and she shrugged. Admitting defeat, I took out the playing board. The game lasted for three hours and we had pizza and ice cream for dinner. Eve wanted to split the bill but Frank insisted I should be the gentleman…

For all I could say, those girls were monsters! They tore and stripped me down to nothing. The game ended and mother-in-law was the all-round winner. I was the biggest loser, having nothing more than $200 worth of anything under me while the girls had their metropolises built.

It was almost ten and the girls had to leave. I told Eve that it was a fun night while I yawned. She kissed me passionately and apologized to me with sincerity before the three of them left.

"Goodbye old haggard uncle!" Frank waved to me while they walked down the stairs. Eve proceeded to smack her lightly on the head for saying something rude to me as they slowly disappear from the steps. The little bitch totally deserved that. I wished Eve would’ve slapped her across the head without remorse. It made me chuckle out loud for a while until I sighed. I then got back into my apartment.

Being tired again, I dunked another erupting can of beer into my already miserable and wasted body. The beer soaked onto my clothes but I just ignore the mess, sucking up the fabric to drain some beer off. My mundane day flashed pass me in an instant as I climbed onto my messy bed. Maybe I should go to Paris for inspirations? Paris is a place of love after all. Hugging my bolster I pelvis thrusted Eve, soon realizing that this was just stupid and desperate on my part. I sighed and allowed my sub conscious to take over.


Today sucks as well.


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