Chapter 1: I am an Ass
When stories happened around the fireplace and it spread like wildfires. When we died from neglect and then spread into civilisations who did not recognise us as people. We then like Cleopatra conquered their ideas and make up hid our identities. We too hide behind the carpets to do away with tradition and the trade offs.
“You should have not mated with him.”
“Now you will be murdered.”
“You should never have mated with that man because he now my rival and you have been unfaithful to me.”
“We did not have a marriage it should have been annulled.”
“We did not sleep together at all the marriage is not legal because no sexual intimacies took place.”
“Is that a problem?”
“Well of course marriage is about sexual intimacies and having the husband in the house not far away him dreaming about the deeds to the lands and the shop and the house.”
“I wanted to come and visit you so did my brothers.”
“Yes whatever for?”
“My cousins too wanted to pay their respects.”
“Look go to a whore house you are more suited to that.”
Who we were like Freddie’s and the likable Charles and there was nothing else to say about us but Marys.
We added to the stirs and the furies of today. Cyprus a land divided up carved up and ready to eat became inedible. The people called son’s of bitches did everything possible to employ the theft and the unlikely thugs which they became is totally inadequate to explain on.
I carved out in stories. I told to take it away and not to appear anymore. I told basket bags to go elsewhere and share my tales with others who are more to their liking. They speak about sandwiches and the carafes in Selfridges and the things which matter to them are the most important.
They are of interest what matters if they are the same things only expensively done? When they all eat as we? But only goats cheese with the little wine, the wine is sipped and the goat cheese cut with a knife into tiny tidy pieces and eaten with relish but not much as if the little morsels will fill the belly not the fatty tissues.
They tell on us, gross and incompetent me as a eater what to make of such behaviour? What to do and what not to do and they have the repast even set for the poor man. Gross and over fed and over done as if a prude as if the world out to shag the underlay.
Look speak sense there is nothing sensible in what you are talking about. The sensitive woman do not talk such issues. They are taboo. There is nothing like we want in this world and to chose to ignore it is like it never happened.
Nothing bad happens to us in our family nothing bad at all. If one does not say it has not happened that is the very truth that is the epitomes of what we say. To be wise is like an owl see nothing seek no justice and just lay down and die. There is more heavens opening than hell there are more hellish nightmares then having children. Where did the childhood I was promised get to?
I married young my youth gone and lost I married young.
In books everyone has a complaint procedures to make we file in line to tell our tales of woe and bequeath to all and everyone the things which made us in the aftermath of our own holocausts.
When we marry we lose everything.
Our self respect goes.
“Out life and living.”
“But not at the cradle not from the cradle we did not rock the world because of cradle marriages.”
“After behaving in a random fashion all my life I have decided to hit the point.”
“The points systems are these.”
“The man is insane.” That was our father who had looked after us despite disliking who and where we had come from. He did not even want us round him statements like they made he said he could not feel anything nothing at all as he stared at us and said we were strangers.
“The man I had to marry because I lost my reputation.” Said mother and she wanted me to lose mine too. I it appealed to her and I became interested in her stories as if they were somehow connections to a bigger whole. A hole in the well like bank notes and which would feed me.
“This is a strangers house?”
“This is a strange home to be living in should not you just go away?”
“Anywhere is there nothing you need to do?”
“No I need to be in here with you lot.”
“There is nothing the matter with me?”
In Cyprus to lose a reputation means destitution and being in an outcast or even worse. Being stoned when they are done with you.
So I could not leave let alone. I could never leave the house because would be raped and murdered by the clan.
“What sort are you mummy?” Mum had behaved like a woman a wife so she did not have to worry at all.
No one would dare do such a thing to mummy.
She reddens and rubs her hands together long thin and elegant hands and then she is called out.
“It is between me living and you dying or the other way round. I choose me living as I am more important to myself. If nobody else than myself.” Said my dad my half brother the man who I had saved from certain death.
Who are they I don’t know all I know is without them I would be in some ditch.
“I am not your mother.”
“I am your father.”
“I am a daddy.” He would say smugly, “Call me dad.”
“Why call me father as if I am old?”
“I am busy daddy.”
“That is far worse.”
“It is far worse. I will now call the hospital and tell them to increase your medication.”
“No I will leave it alone.”
My siblings must have misunderstood so they have married the mafia in order to destroy me because of this.
“Medication your medication is up.”
“I will bake a cake for the whole family.”
“Don’t bake it for my son.”!
“Fox hunting is good.”
Everyone in Cyprus must get married it is a fact of life if one does not marry one is a failure or nobody is charmed by you. It is called unloved and people state that you now on the shelf without a body or a soul to look out for you. Then if you don’t have a child they can kill you and kick you out of your house. The children are there to protect you at all times because we don’t have any social workers and policeman are too busy doing themselves injury because they are all criminals.
“I had all the cousins propose to me all from the same mother?”
“Yes the same who had given me the husband. She wanted me to have the husbands including her brothers and cousins the whole clan.”
“Well good fortunes?”
“They all divorcees.”
“Never in love with me?”
“Doing their duty.”
“Proposals of marriages?”
“Every time they came they came with a proposal.”
“Their proper feelings were violated because I was disengaged and not being married and good meant they could not kill me.”
“No one got what they wanted.”
“Yes most absurd.”
“Every time a man comes to the shop or the house they come proposing?”
“No they dislike the way I look and they have thrown themselves away.”
“To the fires?”
“Yes to the demons of commerce.”
“It still puzzles me.”
Children in Cyprus marry young. I got married at four years old. It is known as married at the cradle and it is with obligation.
“They have been a couple forever.”
“Your opinions do not count as you are a girl.”
The rest of the family they laugh at me.
The mafia, they call me smelly, because I have no money. I call them murdering thugs.
“He has caused to blush because he mad he wants every girl in the high school and his underpants are on fire. He can’t afford to take on a wife because he unemployed he still has college to see to.”
“I am at college.”
“How does a kid survive on college allowance?”
“You are destroying my reputation as a man.”
“Go and stand over there you are blocking the view.”
“What is the view.”
“That tree with a little girl who believes in you.”
“That girl will make you happy.”
“But we are trapped?”
“If we stay like this?”
“No don’t mention her to me she is so like you only fat. Oh God the resemblance is clear.”
“Yes there is a clear resemblance.”
He would flog everything and take off towards England and have another kind of life as his brother in law had built an extension to the shop he would say he was a man who had something to go towards.
He thought in England he would find the golden fleece and I was to be fleeced first before he could take the gold. You see if there is nothing in hand that means there is nothing forward to loan or anything. Like any gambler he will see to it that we are nothing but unmade people desperately trying to survive while he matters to everything he does.
The thin scar on my cheek that nobody loves me and he has left me.
Rare moments I sulk.
Back in Cyprus when I was six, when the Lefka miners were good and solid and made us money and mints.
“Not mints as polo mints but mints as money.”
“I did not understand why not polo mint that way everyone happy.”
“Everyone was as happy back than as you are now.”
“Of course your figure has filled out you have put some skin on them bones of course you are happy,.”
“Stop it just stop it why you always unwell?”
“If I am going to die will I go to heaven?”
“No you will not.”
“Only good children go to heaven and you are bad.”
This wild cat which is me.
“Are you filled with blood motherless child?.” Mother said to me.
“No just menstrual tensions mother.”
“Instigate my death?”
“It is mere formality.”
“We do take notice but in commerce which this is there is casualties.”
“These are families who need the work but will not die for it.”
“They will kill for that?”
“Yes for work to do for the house for the lands for the shop.”
“Crime pays for them.”
“Madam go away it is upsetting for a governor to be talked in this manner.”
“Well but it shows what station in life you are in.”
“I am stationary.”
“How do you mean madam?”
“I am standing still here in this room.”
“Throw her out.”
“I will be back don’t worry young secretary I know my way out.”
“Then he smiles and smiles again.”
So then we got the shock. It had been another one of these male deaths.
Their wives are killing their husbands for peace and quiet.
They had the mines that was their main source of supply. Then the white dust came many got asbestos.
“Someone said it is that?”
“No it is the truth of the matter just go and do it to yourselves we don’t buy oranges that big with the possibilities of cancer we are too precious.”
So many begin to think we are not people?
Human? There is another mine thing gone six people dead in one day all of them healthy lads. Well they could not have been lassies could they?
“We are what?”
“Why is it that only the men die?”
“The females are just stronger than the men.”
“It is irrational is it not being caged in Cyprus and without a job and men dying because of that?”
“Yes they smoke too many cigarettes.”
“Because of boredom?”
“Males die in that country because lacking in something they are all fenced in.”
“Look at something else?”
“But that is more interesting.”
He not on this rehearsed thing or other? Not blackmailing the entire governors or the others? He is not doing much today.
What’s he got today?
“A penis is coming here go and hide.”
I did immediately.
He went to the gamblers anonymous meeting. He is showing your brother how to game. Is it not exciting.? It is so exciting it is making my mouth water all that money in their pockets.
“I have no brother do I?”
“Go and bath or something.” Said Meseret.
“Why should anyone teach him how to gamble?”
“It is the best place to do such thing.”
“Bother the brothel is going down- hill no class acts?”
“No one will work with us any longer we did not honour our pledge we do something else?”
“We have to. She won’t?”
“Oh she has gone hiding again.”
“It stops the new gambler from doing away with his entire fortune.”
“You mean he reasons to leave a reserve?”
“Someone wants to reserve her for the price of one?”
“No more.” I scream.
“That is the deal.”
“Then we cook.”
“What he has the hangovers?”
“No he is thinking of going straight.”
“The scream is deafening I will kill her tell her to shut down.”
“But he is a crook now.”
“Look let me do the slipper on her mouth might do the trick.”
Said mother to shut me down to shut the world out and there is only this camouflaged existence just the same as in Cyprus we are prisoners in our own homes.
I being barren now a mere nobody.
The auntie without the blouse came looking for the man. He has gone over there the man was her new fiancé and she distrusted him.
“No I mean the other thing?”
“Don’t say to that word.”
“How she speaks?”
“Look shut up.”
“Stop shouting we will not do anything you don’t want us to do?”
“Hope to lose all your assets?”
“Like the house and the furniture?”
“No would not go that far it is not fair after working all our lives for these.”
“The other thinking?”
“No more penis.”
So I swear this child not a moron?
“Too young to tell.”
“I am not stupid did you just say me a stupid?”
“Look ma shouting at me for?”
“No more pulling my skirts. I did not wear my slip?”
“What did you wear?”
“Well this and that?”
“I will miss you ma when you die.”
“Strip tease stop doing such foolishness?”
“I swear auntie has lost a stone ?”
“She has such a affection for her little auntie?”
“It is mutual I am sure.”
“I would look after her as if my own.”
“There there no penis here.”
“I am not dieting but I do not need to lose so much.”
“They have such a bond.”
“The ring being in the seaside will it make you not married auntie?”
Comic situation develops everyone after me.
Her husband who had been a boxer was a man who feared her and she did not mince matters with his kind. There is the door there is the door he never left from that door. Everything else did but what else did it mean? There is the door there is the door.
A star other than that this grandpa was a boxer who did boxing in this little village in there he learnt to be difficult as his uncle did him with his boots. His uncle walked on him every night with his nailed boots, mountain boots they call them. He ran out on him after a while but he had learnt to box.
Pots and pans down his head and then he slept like a baby in her arms would not go anywhere else until the moment the very moment when something bad happens in every relationship or marriage. The wife grows older and the man is still young.
When he young it seemed not to matter much it made no difference now it made such a huge difference even a matter of a decade meant he had a leg to be wherever he could be?
His mother was a younger version of himself he loved her so very much and wanted to be her comfort but he had to leave his home for the comfortlessness of roaming because he had been thrown out and did not have anywhere to go but to go roaming. This was our grand dad our father the pillar of our house the rock we all stood on and he did behave well for a number of years he was a rock indeed. He did box while he did this for a number of years turning semi professional and having a black wife as well whom he had a son by.
After five years the conclusion of the relationship went and they had to separate the woman was bragging about what they had done in bed and he dismayed took his belongings and left her there and then. The wives all laughing behind his back and the wifely woman who is mere surprised said whatever next what we done ? That was our grand dad the mere seventies did not harm his intake of breathing for by then he had died.
He told the house how he would fare back at his home when he the victim of abuse and this he said he did not wish on any of his children and took care of the child care himself. Thank God he there to preserve our modesty and honour. They all said because he like a dad to us and he a daddy to most of them. But that is not my own experience but then I am most peculiar and dislike everyone.
He did his duty while his mum slept so he did not leave in a hurry when he seventeen? Of course he had to because by than his ma found a man more agreeable so she said take yourself away and run. She had been without a suitor before but now having found someone she sent the son away as this would be competition.
She did not have time to ask or answer so she said son out. Son you are well out of it. You are so well out of this and he run for miles and miles. That was her brother who had done the walking on such a fellow. Him his pride had gone out of him. He had been used as if walking sheet. The food they ate was because of what he had to do at night.
She said she had been a widow and the thing was the brother more like a bullying male shag what did happen in that house was he got brutally torn by them boots every night as the brother/uncle startled by the lamp always certainly insanely jealous of the lad.
That was grand pa that was grand pa he a male shit too afterwards. Because as they say abuse leads to abusive behaviours and there is no compromise when a child is taught such evil is the normal way of life. That is rewarded by being abusive and there is no end to this as they do take it in line as if soldiers and do the line right down the enemy lines which is when they fire them shoots.
Which sets the pulses on tempers and they all rising to a crescendos where the enemy lays them open to denial and swearing at the child.
“What him he would not harm a fly.”
“ He a gardener so he does harm flies.”
That is what he does when he has a home and a place of his own because that is what it means.
Patterns of behaviours which the behaviourist call the things rewards and punishments because to be rewarded meant he like his own brother/uncle. Don’t be a mow. To be mean was all that he had to be because the moment he attacked the uncle he got released from his imprisonment.
That set a pattern and this continued when he mean he could escape from difficulties and he a man who had acquired the very image to be made not the scapegoat but the hero of the hour.
He named his daughter after the woman his mother who taught him all he had to know about survival.
Means one has practical know how.
That is grandfather he a Turk and his mother married a Greek male and she so happy now situated in a nicer environment and produced a nicer male. He a policeman and he fat and wholesome and good to everyone kind word to all and did not think about evil at all do not worry he would say there is no war on.
His brother was half Greek. An embarrassing situation you know and when he was shoot dead a man came trembling to mum. She stood her face looking like a stone that her uncle had been shoot down dead and found to have influenced the whole towns nearby.
His mother marrying meant, a half brother was created. Who had not been one for imaginations and all that is sad and unfortunate. The half brother was not unfortunate he wore his uniform well and became a lieutenant. He succeeded, came out on top made friendships and friends and was respectable respected and did well in the scheme of things. He got on the ladder did the right marriage and did all things right. His world did not topple he was fat and very much into sleep and did sleep most of the time as he policed the country.
She was swinging on the veranda chair as she was listening to musical comedy acts and this whiled away her time and made her attuned to how handsome her cousin was as he came over wrought to tell the bad news in case she heard it someplace else and would be startled.
“Oh ?” she said she had already had husband number one could this be husband number two?
The happenings began to happen everyone turning Greek no Turks will be left. There is this stony eyed witch who does not shed a tear and says tread warily what you saying? I will put a spook in this wheel. There is this wild eyed startled look as the man who brought the message runs out again.
“Oh he has gone fled the scene of me swinging on the veranda as care free as he had ever seen me who cares what a Greek is shot down dead? What me I dislike them intensely and he behaving like a moron and not believing that there was a war on! When even a child would know there is one on is that which distresses me not at all but displeases me.”
“That Cyprus is Greek over my dead body.”
“What is the difference they kept on saying what is the difference between us?”
“One eats pork the other doesn’t and one has the cross.”
“We are cleaner too.”
“We keep our jobs and are respectable.” Said the Greeks.
“Our homes are not shameful.”
“We are decent to our households.”
“Then you all must do the same.”
When the war came he did not believe there was anything to worry over said it was some healthy arguments nothing out of hand just this arguments which would sort themselves out.
But it did not sort itself out as he had thought.
He got himself shot in the cross fires eating his sandwich which was his best food. He had unwrapped it to eat and had sat in his usual comfort seat when he was shot at. He was still glaring through the screen so his son said.
His uniform hardly stained his forehead a bullet. His whole portly figure slumped with the screen and the noise of his siren blasting throughout the land. He made more sound that day than anyone would think someone said as they recounted how eerie it had been. That day he actually stopped a riot with his dead form.
He became a police official while he sat in his car with his aplomb pomp dead. Politics gone dead as the war began. This is the end as if the sandwiches could talk they would complain that he did not eat them and died half famished and in dire need of nourishments. His fat stomach probably still wetting the appetites. What mattered said ma he also had some drinking water which was probably for the best.
But he was shot before he could reach it and had dropped dead with his sandwich still wrapped cleanly in a wrapping paper white and not a newspaper. This probably showed how lacking in statements his murder had been.
Sandwich sales sky rocketed.
“Why he did not believe it could happen to him?”
“No he did not believe it could happen to anyone he believed that the Greeks civil.”
“That they his friends sworn brothers and all. Sworn by the oaths of friendships.”
“Only one person dead mum and that he?”!
“But there will be others otherwise the people being silly will become bad a village of ten thousand has turned Greek over night.”
“Another one this time twenty one hundred turned Greek too.”
“Oh my God some are demanding concessions.”
“There is uproar about.”
“Fish and chips says that the Archbishop and the president had intercourse in the village caves.”
“Look eat your fish and chips then we can read it and hurry.”
“I am trying to.”
“No it doesn’t it states they met in the caves.”
“Look what do you think happens in them caves?”
“Yesterday Fish and chips news said that they kill or have dancing women in the caves.”
“How unhappy they must be do they have to kill as well as dance.”
“It is a dangerous place them caves our president is so brave to go into them.”!
“Yes he is but he has protection his soldiers are protecting him.”
“There appears nobody but him and the archbishop.”
“So what were they doing there?”!
“Fuck that is bad for you go and read a story or something.”
“I am no longer four years old.”
“Yes that is a fact you are not but still do you want to know must you know?”
“Yes of course.”
“Well it is good news that you are no longer four years old but what do you want to know about the entire thing is no use for you as still you are too small to do anything about it?”
“I thought tell me as a story.”
“As a story?”
“Yes fairy stories because then that would become a tale a story.”
“Why of course you can’t read can you?”
“Yes and being in the know might help my education.”
“What education you are never going to be educated because you as stupid as I am.”
I am not stupid I thought but did not say anything because needed to know the story how the story ended. This made me keep silent. I realise now should never accept anyone calling oneself stupid because it somehow stuck.
“How does the story go?”
“Let me see how does the story end and go?”
“Tell me how the story is.”
“Well what is the story?”
“How should I know you are the one telling it?”
“Who can tell how a story ends?”
“You must know how the story ends?”
In some lost regions we find ourselves.
Adopted mother now continued with the tale and this she did with renewed relish.
Auntie had the hot desires for this great star called Powell he was a cry for to die for dream for. She so hot after him she sat on his daddy.
“Wrong one?” said the old man. He older than her dad so she just kissed him and he fondly said good girl just the thing for my son.
“That is what made him marry her.”
“Her being cross eyed gave him courage.”
Grand dad that is the one from the previous chapter was now lost in the whirlwinds of the romance of the other house adjoining theirs.
The step grand dad was having this ill feeling that he would left on the aisle without anyone worth coming home too. He was feeling rotten that day I mean so dismayed that he had let his life pass him by.
Memories escaped me somehow these did not belong in the story as if they were let loose somehow they did not adhere to what adopted mum wanted me to remember and she got cross and stops telling me the stories. I am forever silent after that sat or standing still while she shares the tales out as if strings of pearls.
So we got to the swing than ended up in the bird water trough than we end up having me with auntie trying to drown me. Well auntie Meseret trying to drown me too what is the world coming to? I got so grey with the things.
Me hurt him?
“I was mere four years old I could not have had the strength?”
“That is I that is I?”
“Yes that is you.” Said adopted mother flatly. As if flat as a screen and then she continued flatly as before as if the screen not being there meant she wanted to know the ending of the stories herself.
Me did not But did not kill him auntie did. It was not me. It had been auntie: Z the one with the mental problems. She has been hearing kettles because of this. She sent the whole thing up anyway then she poisons them girls who are not her children and are laughing at her.
She poisons the whole lot but they humour her because their mothers said she always a bit like that. I do not know the reason she is always allowed to get away with things?
“I am not allowed to get away with anything not even a take away.”
When she does the cakes and they had the good thing. So marrying a celebrity can mean a massive murder done so that someone can do a Hollywood thing?
Stars in their eyes it is very well. First they do the singers like they can out do the sex apes and now we have the Hollywood stars doing the massive murders. Good that is. Makes me want to do nothing but take a holiday.
“It turns out only a lookalike.”
“Thank God a mistake made.”
I don’t know if auntie a hostess but she wore a lot of short skirts and make ups.
“I was known as little auntie.” Said adopted mum.
“Oh that is nice.”
I still wanted to know about this other auntie the glamorise one with the head of hair and makeup and the things she got up to. But there is a lull as we discuss what the adopted mother’s place in the family had been. This takes a while because afterwards I forget my place in the narrative and there is this other thoughts in their way as if the whole thing is now passed a joke or a finishing line.
“The wall is complete now and the stranglehold is there.”
“What happened to them children?”
I had to do some research untie in the middle of her poisoning the children left in her care. This bright one did not like to eat too much of the same plate as her parents always told her be always mixing the food things so that healthy life can continue. When one of them ate her chocolate and not the whole cake.
Like that great author who was trapped in the tower in Famagusta and he told what food would you care for and he choice a skull which has all the vitamins. Therefore much to everyone’s surprise he does not die. He had slapped the Sultana’s behind and then wrote a beastly book which no one can read.
The first Turkish novel. But then he was a man who did not think of finer feelings of the riff raff. The tower itself is a miniature tower and how he did not escape from it I don’t know because it is as if a child would. I think he just wanted somewhere to stay.
His writing table and the space he had was very nice indeed. Nazim something or other born in the 1800’s. But he somehow connected to my story but I don’t know how? Oh he a writer too? Probably we are both of us unread.
The children on the other hand were I also find out that they were taken to hospital and were dripped fed and were in intensive care. But the only ones who had been seriously unwell were just the two. I thought the things one does not realise and then we were back to this other story a tall story.
Auntie did that because
She had mental health issues because someone did rape her and she got confused because her husband had not slept with her but only once.
“I gasped that is how they survived?”
But mother was behaving as if she had not heard me at all.
“So Auntie a hostess?” I asked hopelessly involved in the involved tale.
“We took care of her we did.” Before or afterwards?
“Before afterwards would never do.”
“My brother thought she would turn out to be a whore so he taught her a lesson.”
“Yes we took care my brother and me.”
I had a fleeting image of a sardonic smile and needed to know no more than that the auntie had been done something bad to. I thought she had in fact it made me realise that she had been harmed by mother and had forgotten it.
Auntie Z that is?
“Yes indeed the image was clarified some time later.”
“She got raped.”
“Good as gold afterwards?” she says.
“We shared the same room we become roommates she is that fond of me.”
“We go and get food into our bedroom and eat till day break crying and laughing all night.”
“Yes those were the happiest times we ever had together.”
“It is a shame they never last?”
“What how do you mean?”
“Well the women you ever slept with just dropped you afterwards.”
“Yes you are right about that.”
Auntie by then marries and has a home.
“The flat to see to and other expenses.”
“Yes we live in this two bedrooms.”
“With three children it was.”
How to Survive meant going into some kind of disguise. I had to learn to adapt my facial expressions to show permanent bent and sorrowful expressions just like a butler.
You see if it is all the whole lot you eat then you die. Do not eat in one go and always allow room to digest because if someone does poison one it could be fatal.
It is a survival thing taught to everyone who will or might be in the intellectual league. Darwin has a lot to answer for. She ended up going to several embassies and making a career as this astute woman who can impersonate anything anyone and is able to.
The best female Fagin ever. But as a child she had been remarkably brave. She drags herself and goes to the phone calls for help the others are all unconscious.
Their auntie by then had gone on a cruise ship unable to answer anything but the cool breeze. The natures true cause the natural cost of behaving with the undeserved the deserved the good and the poison as we know them who try to commit murder because they can’t commit adultery.
And her auntie who has left the house nature had been calling and she in a boat doing a river cruise. Bought her ticket and hops on this cruise ship and rovers round and round quite happy.
The children on the other hand in hospital with drips and all manner of stomach pumping and two in intensive care. The parents shock after all they had paid for the privileges of being in her house and this is the result?
So she had the phone and dial the right number so that they could be taken to casualty.
“Our heroine.” The girl is now important more than anyone and has a right to marry well.
“The thing was frightful?”
It was somehow scary?
“No it was fun it will add to her profile.”
“Yes we can do this and that.”
“Such a good thing to be brave.”
“How much is it worth?”
She done it but she paid for the crime.
Who pays for the crimes who pays who does pay for crimes?
We end up all mad. That is who pays in the end because crime does pay and we can be paid permanently again and again. Crime pays more than anybody can imagine but what does it take from the one committing the crime?
“One’s loved ones.”
“The things are the very things which one takes for granted that crime does not pay when it does the thing just falls into place.”
Into groups who fag each other
In that polygamous society they all shag each other.
Mum must have been a nurse because she got to see auntie’s bottom all the time.
Auntie and adopted mum are so much more friendly as auntie has a problem it is known as woman’s problems.
Mum got her to do sex with her. In this way mummy said I had to take on her crime because she good and paid for hers.
Being dexterous meant me and her assumed hostilities.
There is there what matters is there is nothing more meaningless than being at home with mother.
“How strange you all are?”
“It is you who are strange.”
“Do not be a stranger.”
“I am a stranger?”
I not doing that it is criminal? Why take a crime on when did not enjoy doing it why that is criminal.
Mum said that is what poor do.
Because that is what the paupers do and will do to serve their rich masters and add to the credits of the wealthy.
I do not discredit that what masters?
Pink mummy seeing that there is not much moving in her husband gets herself ready for her wedding day. She finds him more reliable that way he does not move so he will not hurt.
“While mummy got undressed and with the daisies arranged just so lay beside him to make him feel better they can now legally marry as she feels sorrow for him being bashed around a victim like herself.”
“Whose mummy is Pink?”
“ That is adopted mum’s mummy. But she will never acknowledge it in a million years.”
“Would screech to such a high pitch she would go and take a fork and pick your entrails.”
Turns her into a devil it does. It does mostly.
Pink gives herself away with the designs of the good sense his my husband he does not move this is pleasing her. He did not move and it moved her? Idiot Pink?
“No necrophilia intended her intentions strictly come dancing.”
“While auntie Meseret was going on and on about this disaster who now saw fit to get it on with her male partner the other auntie had the laughs.”
“The one without the blouse?”
“The one without the bra.”
While this going in the pigeons made their marks towards me they just jetted towards my hair I startled. Start to scream.”
“Who is this kettle screaming?”
“Where this kettle screaming coming from.?”
“Auntie now with the bloody hands wants to find me. I hide behind the trough after all it could never be worse than what auntie had in her hand.”
“I am going to pitchfork this kettle. I hurt this ear screaming kettle has me in agonies.”
“Well you go and do your hair won’t you it might give you a good feeling.”
“Auntie what did you just tell her to do?”
“Where is your knickers?”
“Left it at the wee.”
“I told her to do her hair.” They said.
“It is to make up for her having to do such a bad job?”
“Auntie did you mean for grandpa to die?”
“Well he now old no use.”
“He could not work so we had to let him go.”
“He does not need it now does he?”
“That is bad that is.”
“I am going to sort out auntie now. Her iron should be cooling in there now I will put something in it to lit up them coals it is going to be fun watching what she will make of it.”
I say as I run to do the work no one does.
“There she has now the hottest iron ever.”
“Welcome to the land when the children do the ironing. I am going to be the greatest ironer ever.”
“Were you helping me to do my hair?” she asks as if in the girlhoods of dreams.
“Of course not I must go now.” I make haste and run away.
While auntie is : searching for her bra strap which she has worn through the sea through blouse. She has got into difficulties I think.
The scream was agony but it did not continue long for. Meseret auntie went with a wet towel and avoided too much scalp lose. I daresay I am now avoiding hair dressers for this reason.
Sex is what?
Now this is a taboo subject because do not know the ins and outs of it but the thing is what did happen between them is what they only told me and what I have surmised and they still speaking? They are indeed but then auntie into medicines and she is not a good reliable witness with her being forgetful and behaving stranger than fiction all the time.
So is one allowed to speak after being raped by that person to that person? But auntie and adopted mummy did and they still talking to each other so it must never have happened must it not?
Then when auntie became my mummy raped auntie she agreeable with it? I did not want to do my own murders for this reason. You see mummy said she had raped auntie but they still speaking and wanting to share a room or a house together so it could never have happened could it?
She lied to me you see never raped auntie but they shared a room together and so anything could have happened.
One must sleep with anyone who wants it told me adopted mummy and I behaved with a nod it was because I did not agree with that. It does not make me feel happiest to know that is not right. One can’t sleep with anyone for this reason because if anyone can take one then nobody is to be trusted. So I sleep alone. Except for the man who swears he wants to be a girl.
Then auntie got him you know the great man the legendary hero why we were so glad her humour returned and she beaming so happily.
I think that Anthony Powell was aunties husband he was a Hollywood legend which was quite right as well. I thank the lord a new lord has dawned on us a new stage name a new ambition.
“Stick with the doctor Meseret you are too old for new tricks.”
“I am not Zi.”
“You will expire trying it won’t you?”
“There is no harm in using the girls for the purpose of creativity.”
“Too much lying?”
“Most of them have important fathers.”
“Wrong side of the blanket though.”
“Meaningless and also embarrassing for them both.”!
“I will try the other one broke me.”
“I am sure she has go back to cooking.”
That was behind Meseret’s back as she disappointed by the argument had left to do some more cooking.
“We got a new bride groom for our daughter.”
“Yes that can and might make her happier than before.”
“My girls are never sad they are always happy.”
“Free range we were too.”
The bride groom was something like this: he had a secret you see he had been involved in this boyhood incident back than common that boys shoot sparrows with stones then one day he told this lad his best mate to stand still as he would shoot him to see if you could aim straight. He moved the other teenager moves and he is shot in the eye.
Because the other boy a brilliant student able to make great work in engineering or whatever the case despite the high connections went to court so there was a sentence and this and that.
He had been to this camp because he shoot a arrow to this lad because he was better than him. This lad now grown up with the one eye did not think him very nice. But he already punched him and went to prison.
He did not do so again as his WIFE pregnant and he did not want to miss anything out of his life.
He shrugged and left him. When he did his remarks and he sent him away saying now Master do not take on so we know you are better than me.
That is when he began to dream about this bright clever crooked world.
That is the bride groom. The boy who got shoot was my father. Or was it? I can’t say it might have been Ahmed or it might have been the small doctor who is everybody kidding?
My step dad wanted to created a world where crooks ruled the world and this in fact he has done to a certain extent that is why we have so much troubles in small parts of the world and the bigger parts too.
He had a dream of creating a world of Fagin worship. That would make him a million in a year instead of forever. He liked to gamble.
He also liked Keats.
“He despised poets.” Said his wife but he told everyone he liked the poetry just to be difficult.
“Poets die unhappy.”
“Poor and add not much to their own lives.”
“What use is that for him? That poetry deserves no credit for making the poet happy. It is no useful deed to have we do need poets but the poets do not need to be poets.”
“That is open to debate is it not?”
“Why it is a poet is it?”
“What no not yet.”
Keats dying young.
“A female Keats?”
“Uncle I am not yet a poet. When I am I will swear you will know about it.”
Which he said dying young and making a fortune for everyone including himself very agreeable. But no I will not write. I answered I can’t I do not know how a tree feels yet??
“Actually should a tree feel anything?”
“When the tree mating it must do uncle it must do.”
“Revolting this is revolting.”
“Go away now me dressing.”
“Nothing to see.”
“No use uncle auntie outside and she will bag you and you will have to have another baby which will become Jack the Riper.”
“Now how would anyone have the Jack the Ripper as a dad?”
“Well someone like you could be the father that will make it the right thing to be is it not?”
“We must take on the tree what does a tree feel?”
“That I do not know. It is difficult.”
He was student tutor.
“Mostly I think it is standing still forever waiting for grand dad to come with the other tree that he or she can mate with.”
“With his pocket knife with him?”
“Which is this?”
“What is that?”
“Why keep it with you?”
“In case relatives drop by.”
“We are all your relatives?”
“We dropped the acquaintanceship after he did not like negative criticism.”
“Auntie comes saying that he has left with this man?”
“Well he had been dating.”
“With this boy student.”
“It must be love not older than that.”
“So what is he?”
“Well he went to the correction centre and became a corrector which is gay man after money than he got into this rich bloke who got him everything. But he left him as well because he died? Yes he died because his family found out so they place him in this shelter where he does not have access to money so uncle hopped it with this lad.”
Correction child there is not much else one can ask from you.
“Damn that child.” Said his wife.
Auntie so upset she hollering enough to wake the dead as well as the landlord. He comes searching for the strangled person she is still screaming.
“Emotional problems?” I had not got over the man who had taught me to love poems.
“Drop dead we are having a private conversations.”
“Well we did it not much for?”
“What did I do it for?”
“Now you should have kept him occupied?”
“He went miles after the honeymoon.”
“He just ran away me had the baby coming so me got so soft. Did not even ask his money bank details.”
“Into my piggy bank he did not place anything at all.”
“Piggy is now laying empty.”
“That was how soft I got.” Said Z the wife the real wife I was just a child but did identify with her.
“But you never like to ask about such matters that is why you in this situation Zeks.”
“Always do the bargaining beforehand otherwise they are off.”
“I am going to do it straight away. The banks nearly shut so Piggy here takes it all.”
“Smash her pig.”
“Him being in that reformatory made him so bad.”
“Yes gave him efficiency drive and all that friends as well?”
“Increased his creditability as well?”
“Made him what he is today?”
“But he is a bastard.”
“You a bitch too?”
“Look here it is?”
“I dare you to cry.”
“Exact wording can be confused.”
“We are what to do now?”
“A homicidal mother is not nice who has murder on her account.”
“When he finds out who the child is with he can have the kiddo just like that.”
“We must be careful?”
“The money bank can we have some more money?”
“I am going to have a criminal record.”
“A record like Shirley Bassy?”
“Look stop that.”
“Why pulling my hair for?”
“Another thing there is nothing worse than not having a man inside the house everyone thinks me a queer shame to have around there is nobody visiting and even when they do they say wrong things about me.”
“Life is even more strange here.”
“Well bear it Zeks because we don’t want her as she is like that.”
“Hate you.” I stamped her round her shoes.
“Yes with your record it could be had?”
“He is normal thank God.”
“Yes he can be bagged too?”
“What must I do?”
“We must run a co operation of mothers.”
“Which share and share alike who is on?”
“I do not have time.”
“Okay Zeks you go and lie down.!”
“I have things to do.”
“We must be careful?”
“We got a rich kiddo?”
“We must treat it with respects.”
“We must do the works.”
“Make the dad proud and screw his hide.”
“Now he on his voyages?”
“We must be circumspect it is a passing thing?”
“A mere foolishness?”
“A mere foppery.”
“Like taking snuff?”
“It will make less work if we did not hang round that son of his like baby in the manger.”
“What is he?”
“Ork from the orkland marsh the Martians have brought him as a gift aid to the ladies here.”
“No need I will go and empty the potty.”
“That child does not have a sense she born with. Mine would be asking the questions when she can marry him and add him to the court list on what to do when their marriages breaks up.
“You know it gives me hope she knows the exact wording on the documents citing plaintiff correspondent and all that.”
“A bit younger than her too?”
“Yes she is.”
“I am going to sue everyone and take what is mine.”
“And put it in the piggy bank.”
“Sure and you will say sir I am related to who?”
“How do I know you all telling lies.”
“She with the food brain?”
“And this one does not even ask the question what it is doing in this shabby bedsit?”
“I am keeping house because auntie and her nephew are doing incest.”
“Yes Zeks has had it with the nephew he turned out such a disappointment to her?”
“Yes took him from Meseret and then disaster disastrous for them?”
“He wept for a teacher. Already engaged.”
“Yes he went after a teacher.”
“What treachery.” Said mother agog and obligingly.
“Had to be brought back.”
“It broke her bank it did?”
“Yes she gave her house to her brother to do it.”
“To bring him back?”
“But he now her prisoner?”
“No he mad.”
“No he not mad?”
“Got addictions and all that bottle whiskey a day a night times out driving he no longer involved wanted to go away.”
“But that is the dad at home is it not mummy?”
“Look there is the end of it there is nothing doing no talking when she near by.”
“But no he had to stay and be her husband because she sort of got rid of her own husband ?”
“But now trapped together.?”
“Bet it got on their nerves?”
“It made them so bad the mum when she saw the son wept my son older than Me MY son older than I am he looks older than me.”
“We all thought she got senile and addled?”
“Bet you she did.” Said adopted mum.
I begin to dance round and round.
“She did not even say anything but what knives forks and did I set them on the table. Both her legs got amputated and she had nothing wrong with her legs at all?”
“Not a mark on her legs?”
“No she had strong legs and it is not wonderful the other son a doctor and he enjoys a carve up so he must be in there practising?”
“Always hated his ma.”
“Not him he dislikes females chatting.”
“He does not like to lose money.”
“Makes him do a craver.” He takes the beef and does it without much thought or thinking there is nothing else to do but do his odd duty. His dutiful self outside now and he inside doing this and the other craver and he is the best craver there is.
“Yes when he in Cyprus they had the worst limbs amputates ever.”
“Worse than the bloody war.”
“But he had the prosthetics did as well?”
“Well he after all the best surgeon?”
“Of course he has improved with being in London?”
“He has got mental states as well?”
“Yes he big in mental institutes as well?”
“Yes he is.”
“None she does not even want to know what it is worth?”
“Well how much is that child worth?”
“My God are you maddening it is worth the salt of the earth with the child keeps and the clothes the house and the litter and all the nannies we can be worth a fortune.”
“Far from the mad crowd.”
“He is far more than she is?”
“I am more of value than that.” Danced round and round to see if she took the hint and would leave as I needed my tea.
“Go and make your tea and don’t spill it.”
“Don’t spill the tea and where is the teapot?”
“I will have to do it again and again the tea she drinks.”
“All we need is a few more of them?” said auntie she thought mummy wonderful and I thought mummy was wonderful too so we were in agreement.
“Yes than we can do house swap?”
“Yes but child care is hard work?”
“We will think of something to do about that?”
“Leave me out of it.”
“What you not interested she is babysitting these two who have no means of pay and will not do this millionaire?”
“Now why is that?”
“I will find another babysitter?”
“She is reliable too?”
When we on this ship which was to make us what we are today which set us settled as jellied eels. We went on that ship.
“If we only had her swapped with someone more like ourselves.”
There is not much to ask from?
“I got you to get back at him. I got you to get back at him do you understand do you hear pinching my ear do you see. I got you to get at that great doctor the fucked up son of a bitch. I got him insane he does not understand what I am about to do to you.
Do you understand I can throw you over board shipwrecked destroy him through throwing your soul to the devil. You can be eaten by the sharks the fish will swim round you and he will feel your very movements. The way you drowned the very thing your last breath the very last grasp. The soul and drown you and no one here will intervene.
And this he will know as soon as he can penetrate this dark matter as soon as he realises what I will do. He will know the least centimetre the least little deed the last movement of your last drowning sigh the least in the wind the least in there dark cold calamity the shell fish at your feet the scrubbing of the stones the drowned last cry.
Do you understand? He won’t be able to help for he was never there. He will never know except in his dreams. In his nightmares he will feel you in every nerve? Do you understand do you hear me.? When your tormented body leaves this space. He will know the very fabric of this human gone beyond his reach and perfectly formed as he is.
The very likeness to him the very best of his and he won’t even know about it until too late until the lateness of it. He beyond your reach unable to be in touch the very best of him gone out of this life gone gone and he will die not and know?
What he had not done of course the very teacher in him would be revolted at how little he had taught them lad and lassies now mine this mine body which he despised. Used up he calls it used up when me so young?
After it perished for him has given this other life which is the perfection he always wanted. The wanton in me not in your body. The very image of what he wanted to teach as the human perfectly owned of by its intellectual and spirit.
Well done that is what it is a well done endeavour a effort not to be wasted. The sexy soul mate of anyone. The soul mate of them who give the creative arts but nobody will own it. No one will own it because reserved to such an extremities no one will penetrate the spells that I am about to bring on it.
I lost when I had you I lost out when I had you born the others gave me much more feed me gave me life and hope. The hopelessness with you went out of from me. This very thinking is the very best of the thinking what of it when this is being mates is it not? We were mates before you was born were we not?
“Mummy mummy where are you?”
“I want my mummy not this mad woman. Where is my mummy?”
“Why I am not mad?”
“Mummy I want my mum”?
“Daddies come and take me back to mummy.”
“How many daddies do come?”
“There are now three.”
“Look daddies come and take that impersonator away she is not my real mum.”
“There that is done.”
“Mummy now saying that she okay walks away quite unwittingly taking each men by his groin and then the other one takes her out and whacks the two guys down.”
“Does it mean we now game and set and matched?”
The captain marries them. Dust to dust ashes to ashes. No wrong hymn.
“That is the right hymn is it?”
He does not have the money to pay for the services and they all shake with glee it won’t be legal otherwise. Money means money.
“Pirates.”I examined my remark then said.
“Here said I .”
“The other mummy has paid for this mummy marriage certificate. My holy wedlock.”
“That is right match now we must do the telegram and fetch the decency acts together.”
“That is holy wedlock.”
“Yes but he the cook?”
“We won’t eat for days we are not hungry.”
“No I will cook.” Said mummy number two wisely.
“Now we had done it.”
“Never mind I have a helper.”
“That is okay.”
“The mice in the soup now quite safe. I nod sagely with onions and all that matter it might fetch a few sighs.”
“All on the passenger hit list have food poisoning.”
“No one has the strength from vomiting to take the accordion.”
“A few more silent things will give us the energies of the seas.”
“Yes it is whistling like nobody’s business ghostly you know bad omens.”
“Ghostly passages of them ghost.”
“Okay play it.”
“That is not a fine tune?”
“Put the needle somewhere else.”
“That is better.”
“Well it is not supposed to be.”
Another key note never interfere when the brothel is married.
“Fucking heck did someone say brothel?”
“Bother sister not you.”
“Well who else can it be?”
“We do not mean anything but nice today.”
“We got you married.”
“It is the happiest day of our lives.”
“Fetch me some more cards.”
“Not now we are hopping off.”
“We do not share anymore the secrets of the stage see you.”
“Yes see you.”
“I have done it.”
“Loath that kid did you hear what they just did to me?”
“Yes they fired you.”
“Indecent that is what. Now why does my ears always burn when I am near you.”
“Unhand me ma.”
“Never use that word wrong word now.”
“What do I CALL you?”
“Nope they are too long.”
“Not any more of them names do you swear?”
“Almost to God.”
“Nothing to worry about is there? Do you see the child is tense and has become intellect personified I am now paranoid in a paranoid world with a child who will try to outwit me. Where is the husband?”
“I am here.”
“Well fucking about time do you hear me?”
“Yes well this kid is mine not yours.”
“I knew that have taken you on instead of because of.”
“Whacked him innocently.”
“Why why do that?”
“I am hurt you did not understand I rule this house.”
“We are not home yet honey and I can throw you over board.”
He carts her to the shipping edge and throws her neatly over board., She can swim like a fish comes over to him or tries to when they have to lift her out of it.
“I nearly drowned.”
“He and she sit it out.”
I smile happily they will truly be romantic and happy. Ma has now a male who is very like herself and will be respectably occupied.
“Why you smiling for?”
“What you smiling for and she throws her shoes which she had set aside and lifts her own foot to make the effort with when she kneels over the stern and smashes her toe.”
“We might have been fetching if not intolerant.”
“Ma has the other ma now making her comfortable and coffee without too much hassle or the other thing. She has this head she can’t stand the sight of me could this other mother adopt the attitude of mothering until she has sorted her feelings.”
“Go on for old times sake?”
I shipwrecked and in this other shipping boat shipped to England to find me another maker the asking price any ring. I was to be dumped dropped and left to breed. I am now half breed. Then we can take it from there. The mum had the cook in and about he as he was this sergeant doing his duty on board this ship which was captained by the other brother turned out to be captain of some industry.
Mum had got me out of the hat or was it hate so she could dampen the governments of this worst world. In the worst possible of worlds to seek the reasons for being or living is the strangest things. The governments will drop just see. She has it in for authorities.
I had her out of the hatred I feel for the whole government. He destroyed me. He did the Little Doctor who was in love with this maid. A common maid who worked for his mother she adopted that girl and abused her made her and let him have her. She tried to share this information with him but they had never spoken to each other before so he did not know when she on his side and speaking like a mother.
His adult mother showing concerns and all that made him feel she must be up to something and wanted the maid for some unworthy cause. The thing was his mother was never serious about anything so why show concern now? That he was elated and in love. His mother disapproving by this she had said sex was everything.
The cradle of living. The very centre of the orbits and now she said it had been all a sham. She did not mean such a thing. What she had done? What he misunderstood by it. She did not could not make him see in time? Why about life!
He knew about life he a doctor he knew as much if not more.
“No my son you do not know that is the point you do not know.”
All in the way of his future?
When the girl was not that type. She knew the type for a wife.
She had been but her mothering was left to the straws to be put in somehow. She had left being a mother she had not behaved as a mum she had been so infatuated with her life style she meant not to harm him. She did not mean any harm.
She had left it too late to share all her knowledge with him., She had as a young mother left textbooks and all that so what did she mean now that she had not showed him what mothering was. Was she senile with jealousies or what was in her soul?
She was shaking her head from side to side as if in hellish agonies as if the hells had opened.
“Women like that never do my son.”
“Not like aunties?”
“No they are worse. No feelings they do not have any feelings.”
“No feelings no way she is all feelings.”
“She has not a morsel of it.”
“Ma see me tomorrow you need some tonic.”
“My son dear son do not do not marry with that thing.”
And he had been poor before because he had never been at it now in the proper climate he and she engaged he had to have the sexiness of this beauty and his ma went to pots talking about his future in ruins.
What she meant his future in ruins when he a doctor in need of stable sex life.?
“He in need of a wife she a perfect sex partner.”
The others were so boring this one did not bore she intense all the time. No pretences with this one did not say pretty words did not mask she needy as much as he.
Who had it in for the fucking trade. She became a go-go dancer when he and she divorced.
“Judge she has bad breath.”
“Smell judge I do not.”
“Judgement day came that day. She has judge her breath smells.”
“Rude judge he is so rude.”
“Due to not seeing eye to eye and difficulties in the marriage the marriage is dissolved.”
“See what you now made me do.”
“He went the other way.”
“Look pimp get me another marriage or else.”
Another family member whom mummy had been telling me about dissolved his marriage in such a way as to make him into a shivering wreck.
“This one deserved the hot boiling water he is always following me round. Wants me to mother his two children is he mad?”
“Luckily I was half asleep would have been dead.”
“Now why come looking at me for help?” I asked.
He jumped look it is not my fault you married my father’s wife. Did I ask you to marry his wife? He starts to run out so fast he never seen again.
“His wife did what?”
“Boiled water and threw it into him when he asleep on his chair.”
“Nothing of the sort.”
“Sure it happened because mum said so.”
“Look the thing was to get you into a right frame of mind for marriage.”
“I am in the right frame of mind for marriage.”
“I think the woman was quite sensible because she wanted to be a go go dancer and he asked her to marry him would not take no for an answer he asked for it.”
“She was a bad dancer.”
“That is her business when a woman says no it means no.”
“He came asking me for marriage too then when I opened my mouth he changed his mind run for his life.”
“That will not come again?” I asked.
Mother was startled.
“How did she know?”
“The way you just said them words?”
“Does anyone want another tea?”
“No of course we do.”
“No need to ask is there.”
No every time we mention her and him taking the marriage vows he said quite plain he will pay a nanny to do the job. He does not want trouble. He already boiled.
Manhood in him gone.
No according to the nanny he and she fucking good. Better than her husband did.
“Still married is she?”
“She thinking her options.”
“Out is it?”
The step shag
And he then used her earnings to do the cure. The right cure for that Polio which made us less beautiful as me had the father with the same polio which made him very interested in us as a family.
“The family motto is children pay for themselves.”
That is the family motto a child is a gift and pays for itself.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth then.” Said grand ma to them all.
I had not been conceived by that father which meant me had lied to him wasted his precious time his precious time I had wasted me ? Yes you had not much to do but to make me run along with you what is the meaning of this when science is the key to discoveries and you only think about this and the other. I am husband hunting me in season. Go away. I had that sorry thing and it was a waste of time believe me I am not into that types they almost always distraught whatever one says to them they will go their way no matter with what their wit ends in the sheets which is where we will end now.
Yes you precious thing I do not like to be out done.
“Oh Go ahead but you will pay dear.”
“My dear name any price.”
“The price of sin”?
“Yes the price of sin?”
“It is death.”
“Ouch not right is it?”
“You asked what the price was?”
“No give me life anytime.”
“No it is not life not always.”
“Alcohol does not pass into me mouth.”
“How long has your addiction began”?
“Since I was four years old.”
“Odd thing this four years old how many of you became the permanent in that age?”
“There is the half sister the other one and now me.”
“Very interesting that. Now let us be doing it.”
“I will name this ship the first destroyer.”
“Pregnant at that age too?”
“Mummy I am almost over that now the child is nearly born.”
“But not to get even a wedding ring what will they all say?”
“They will congratulate me on my work.”
But he not my dad but did not interfere with me it did me good just to seek out his company.
My real daddy did not never had no polio but he doing these researches meant he said he wasted his time on me. But I very beautiful meant not a thing to him. ? No he wanted to work and he now worried him behind with the schedules. He had not enough cash in his research funds.
Funds meant money time and lives. Deformed beasts that lived like hunched down clothes living with the diseases. Ten to one he had not been barren in his work he had done all he should have done. Not before time but according to the dictates of what it is to know. He had done nothing to warrant this. He had not done anything bad. He had been honest good and true to his call. This thing who had beauty took his time out so she could have a romance with him?
Lives do you hear lives lost because of some sham. You a romantic fond child you will never live as a doctor’s wife. It involves hardships which no one can deal with.
A kid like you who has the stars in her eyes who does not behave with decorum; has no respect. Real respect for what I am doing. It is nothing to do with the herd instinct to settle mate and all that is it?
This is what it is destroyed all my work destroyed because of this timidity. This backwardness of what? I do not have a woman; a real woman.
“Why what is real woman to you?”
“Naked you are still enjoying the naked splendours of misbehaving?”
“Yes of course.”
“That is that.”
“He closes the shutter.”
Which would mean another delay another disaster; he had this limited time means and all because he had wasted time on this and the other. Time wasted meant more lives lost he could have decimated me he told me so. He just got so angry as if his temper blew hot and cold.
“I have got a child by the great doctor who is gentry and is related to us by cousinship and we now in line to their inheritance.”
“We have the aunties too do you know we go searching for their gold what we get what we get most of the time a little silvery tongue the rest a gobsmacked and the other times a farthing you mad to be doing that?”
“We shall see who is mad.”
“You maddening us all to be having the child so near.”
“I want him to see his child his baby so he can smell the disease.”
“Ma sent me over ?”
“He has no intentions.”
“No way he must do.”
“Look he has hurt you.”
“He has married.”
“What he now married legally?”
“His wife will swap your hides.”
“No she will not be able to.”
“She has no such sorrows she has no sentiment she has not even a sentiment.”
“Clean cut and that will be that.”
“No way mummy what must I DO?”
“Run do you hear just run.”
“I can’t not with the baby?”
“We shall call your brother who might help.”
“No way him he can’t even help himself?”
“He will bring over his treasury and we can see if some piracy might work.”!
“Do you mean even when me running for dear life I have to help out?”
“My dear that is what makes our money.”
“The sheets meant?”
“We can run away.”
“So in love.”
“Yes now run.”
“Who is this child?”
“No kidding she is mine.”
“She bite me hand.”
“Savage she is savage.”
“If she near I will not marry you.”
“Look the captain will marry us she does not care for captains.”
“Why honey what you into?”
“Food you have a food fetish.”
“Look now she has kicked me.”
“Well do not say anything to her.”
“If she does one more time I will not even share the same house with you do you understand?”
“She has kicked me again.”
“Well good bye. It is her or me.”
“I will choose.”
“Now run along and I will say some words.”
“Behave. I said behave or else.”
“I want the good doctor?”
“Which one do you want?”
“The handsome one.”
“Well tough luck you can’t have that one. “
“Because we have been had.”
“He never had me.”
“We have been had.”
“Not him he very nice.”
“We do not speak about him.”
“His sort is not our own sort.”
“Because we have been had.”
“Zerin you saying bad words to the child?!”
“She is she is saying the worse things ever she is making me see something lovely go and die oh granny. I do not want that beautiful feeling to die. Oh granny help me not to die as well.”
“The children want my house.”
“Let them buy their own.”
Next time I saw daddy was when I was fifteen years old. He now a good doctor done his research and all that. His wife and his children all taken in and handy. He now this absorptions which soon flowered into what I said about the genetics of the thessealimae my pet hobby.
I was so confused to be sought out by some great doctor I could be forgiven for thinking that he my daddy ? But the thing was I am bright so he thought and being bright I had a place in the culture of things and he asked me questions about blood and all that which I gave him ideas about. That was that.
Because this involved me. I said it is like the natural selection one must use other genes in order to eradicate this disease. Daddy listened a doctor he actually listened to me and said a little funding will help him figure out what I said and he would be on it.
He and me got to talking and I said it is because genetically they closely related the thinking behind he asked me? Well sir I answered did not know had no idea he my dad he so handsomer than anyone and he kind and educated. Me so spoilt for choice before? Most definitely forgot all before.
I went to the balcony his wife followed me there and asked certain amounts of questions and I answered as best as able. The thinking she asked and gently she probed my interests and all that in that genealogy I said because of the dogs. Then I said that is how kings have the perfect intellectual off springs because they do choose their partners through their genes.
In the corner of my eye I saw daddy smile.
I said it is this it must be.
Then I was gently told I could stay for dinner and I said oh no sir no thank you and left.
His words echoed in my mind.
Evolutions he said almost with this cry in his voice. Of course it is the right thing go ahead ask some more? Environment? Why environment? Social spaces, customs sir the customs the rituals of behaviour. Inflicting the genes themselves. How does the environment do that? Food and all that sir. No it can’t do. Sir if I eat a chicken it does affect me. I do not know how it does but it makes me stronger more open to other thinking.
If I eat something disagreeable there is no such thing. Sugar almost dulls me makes me so contented it leaves me full of not much sir., Mars bars has this affect on me. Because?
It makes me full when I am not.
I do not answer. Crisps has the same amount of salt but makes me not healthy like the chocolate it affects me in another way. Makes me feel good while eating then takes away my breath.
No more salt than.
But in certain other foods I do not note it do not even feel it why sir? Then I note when out the way it is served crisps and chocolate at the house in a pot served hot and it makes a differences in the behaviour of the group sir. The value the valued and the valued. So whatever sir?
“That is a question mark.?”
“The very question of what it all means. The genes the food the way it is dished out the way it is shared like Adam Smith sir ?”
“Yes the very thinker I am eluding to sir.”
“Why does it appear you are not into studying?”
“I do not have time to explain sir.”
Which had matured the dinosaurs which evolved the other things that the very same things Darwin had seen when he on his travels. I did not go further because tired out. I suddenly flagged. Yes she is tired. She has the thing he shouted leave it alone I know now what she knows.
I felt emptied and left it alone. The robbery not intended I knew I would not see him again. He so bad before now him contemptible. How dared they rob me. But went along and skipped then found books not intended. Books and more books everywhere. Like on trees dropping. I went happier than ever.
So I answered in a good natured manner. The kings are all kinships the Egyptians only got madder when they bred too close. The others too had the same inclinations. But he answered does not affect animals mammals. That is why they do not have a brain sir I persevered. Brains mean consciences between good and evil.
Not religious? Certainly not but if one is evil it can contain the seeds of madness. What matters he asked I could be living with my daughter and this would mean? Health and all that.
I saw they had sexual intimacies. I did not answer.
Stare at each other and they see why they did not see before.
Now leave she says laughing at me.
Okay I am just going.
“Do stay he shouts at something.”
But why he was living with a Russian I did not know. I worried as if that life now nearly over. The breeze unsettled there is this foreboding. Might be I am jealous what about it? The wind takes a share of my thought and makes me see something else.
A girl child materialises from somewhere.
“And I am not a child.” She hisses. Her body is one of wanton revenge.
“Fucking heck did you just go in there?” this child asks me.
“Okay what does it mean?”
“High tensions and celebrities.”
“Not right in the head are you been there and just leave did you not ask for something?”
“Don’t you know you could have asked for anything”
“What for? I will ask another time.”
“There will never be another time.”
“Then I will not ask .”
“I am looking for something to read if I do not have anything to read I will not be right.”
“Look have them books in there in the other house.”
“Thank you I go and stare at the photographs are them photos real?”
“Look like Nazi photos to me did the same photographers take these too?”
“Sure not they are dead.”
“Well seems to be right in the same camera frame.”
“Look do you want them books how about these clothes?”
“You take them. I only want the books.”
“Look this is the best material you can sew?”
“I do not sew.”
“That Walt Whitman it is the best tales he said.”
“You reading it still?”
“Sure it is the best poet in here in this collection.”
“That is his own book?”
“Well you see the other poets alongside do not count?”
“No they do not.”
“Fucking heck what do you mean Sultan you are behaving weird.”
“Fucking heck you stupider than me thought.”