"'Therefore, send not to know / For whom the bell tolls, / It tolls for thee' as John Donne once said," declared Teresa soberly.
"I remember him," said Cara. "He was the bartender down at the Tropicana Lounge."
"He was a poet," explained Teresa, shaking her head.
"I never knew that," Cara replied. "But he made a mean Cowboy Cocksucker."
"John Donne was a British poet from about four hundred years ago," pointed out an exasperated Teresa.
"But he was talking about death," added Fiona, "not wedding bells."
"Same difference," put in Brenda, lighting a cigar.
"I never thought that Alice would find a man," said Teresa. "Many men, yes, one in particular, never in a million years."
"Not just any man could make an honest woman of Alice," Fiona added. "It had to be a man with lots of money."
"A dishonest woman, you mean," Brenda corrected her. "Pretending that she only has eyes for her husband and doesn't actually want to be gang-banged by every hot guy in sight ; wearing designer dresses when she'd rather be rocking a boob tube and some super-tight Daisy Dukes ; staying home every night watching TV and bringing her hubby beers from the fridge instead of being out on the town with the Slut Pack fucking random guys in club toilets and waking up the next morning in the gutter covered in her own puke. That doesn't sound like honesty to me."
"That's the problem with the idea of marrying a rich guy like Manfred," explained Teresa. "It would give you the money you need to do anything you want, only you wouldn't be allowed to. It's a veritable Catch-22, as Joseph Heller would have said."
"I know," exclaimed Cara, "he was a famous baseball player, right?"
"American novelist," sighed Teresa. "One of the best."
Alice was off at a fitting for her wedding dress, and the rest of the famous Slut Pack were taking advantage of her absence to discuss how they really felt about her upcoming nuptials.
"You know the definition of a man?" asked Brenda, knocking the ash off of her cigar and taking a swig from her bottle of Jim Beam.
"I don't know," Fiona played along. "What is the definition of a man?"
"A life-support system for a cock," Brenda guffawed. She lifted the hem of her mini-dress to reveal she was wearing no panties. Then she scratched her labia as she took another swig of bourbon.
"A bit of cheese on the old taco?" queried Cara.
"No way," declared Brenda. "My cunt is in perfect health, but it is just itching to get fucked."
They all laughed.
And they laughed even harder when Fiona let out a loud fart. It was hard to believe such a loud sound could come out of someone so small. Fiona was only 3 1/2 feet tall. Her friends knew her affectionately as Mini-Fi. And she was given to flatulence.
"Are we going to allow Alice to split up the Slut Pack?" asked Brenda, tapping more cigar ash into the ashtray that she had now positioned between her massive breasts.
"What can we do about it?" asked Cara, whose blonde hair, according to scientists, had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that she was as thick as two short planks.
"Manfred's parents place a lot of importance on appearances," pointed out Fiona. "As Alice's bridesmaids, we are central to the decorum, or lack thereof, at the wedding."
"Are you suggesting sabotage?" asked Brenda, eagerly.
"We have to stop this marriage 'by any means necessary' - as Malcolm X put it," enthused Teresa.
"I remember Malcolm's ex," piped up Cara. "She was a super-bitch from Hell. I'm not surprised he dumped her."
* * *
"They weren't kidding about you being the best man!" exclaimed Fiona, as she unzipped the fly of Manfred's best friend Brad's formal trousers, only to be slapped in the face by his massive erection. She tenderly stroked his balls as she licked up and down the underside of his shaft.
"I've never been sucked off by a midget before," Brad told her.
"Little person," she corrected him.
"Oh, sorry," he said, tenderly stroking her hair as she slid her lips over the bell end of his cock.
"For a little person, you sure have a deep throat," he groaned.
Little did he know that as this was taking place, Brenda was behind him casually slipping her hand into his pants' pocket and stealing the wedding ring.
Fiona removed her mouth from Brad's cock.
"You probably want to shoot your load all over my pretty face," she explained, "but the wedding starts in just a few minutes so I can't have you messing up my make-up. I'll just have to keep you safe inside my mouth where I can suck out all your yummy jism and swallow it all down so that no-one will be any the wiser."
She smeared her ruby red lipstick all down the length of his already saliva-coated cock and tickled his balls with her gloved hands until he exploded a thick hot river of cum down her throat.
"Never has doing one's duty by a friend been so much fun," giggled Fiona, reapplying her lipstick as she approached Brenda. "Did you get the ring?"
"I sure did," smiled Brenda. "And I've found the perfect place to hide it."
"Where's that?" Fiona wanted to know.
"In my ring," laughed Brenda, lifting her dress and bending over. She was wearing no panties, and, as she pulled apart the cheeks of her sizeable arse, the diamond could be seen winking ostentatiously from her sphincter.
"Perfect," smiled Fiona. "Well, can't hang about here gabbing. There's another cock to be sucked."
* * *
"I had my doubts about this girl," Manfred's father Mr. Mann said to his wife as they sat in the front pew of the ornately decorated Catholic church, "but I am now beginning to understand that she was just a diamond in the rough. She can be our kind of people."
"Of course she can," replied his wife Eugenia. "All we have to make sure of is that nobody finds out about her past."
"Well, we all have one of those, don't we?" he reassured her. "Money can cover up a multitude of sins."
"Ah, here comes Father Dominic," Eugenia pointed out. "I've always thought he looked too sexy to be a priest. It seems such a waste. Is it naughty to think like that?"
"Where's the other bridesmaid?" asked Mr. Mann.
"You mean the Munchkin?" Eugenia wanted to know. "She's probably just standing behind someone. It's so easy to lose sight of her."
At that moment, their driver ran down the side aisle of the church with something hidden beneath his coat.
"I found this out on the lawn," he explained in an anxious tone, discreetly showing them Fiona's bridesmaid's dress. "Her panties and brassiere as well."
"My god!" exclaimed Eugenia. "There's a nude midget on the loose! I hope she's not in the church."
Mr. Mann did the best he could to hide the evidence beneath their pew.
Father Dominic was now standing behind the altar. He was preparing himself to begin the ceremony, when he felt a breeze up the back of his cassock. He was no longer alone under there. Someone small and nude was pulling down his y-fronts.
"Manfred, do you take Alice to be your wife?" he asked, a little nervously. "Do you promise to be true to her...oh, that feels so good... in good times and in bad... bad girl... , in sickness and in health, to love her... oh, Jeez, suck my balls!... and honour her... gobble my knob, you slut... all the days of your life? Oh, fuck that's good!"
"I know Alice has always been keen to help out the disabled," said a family friend of the Mann's, "but hiring a priest with Tourette syndrome is going a bit far."
"What the hell's going on!" Mr. Mann wanted to know.
Once she had succeeded in depriving the spunky young priest of his virginity, Fiona let him finish the vows in peace.
"Now for the exchanging of rings," he said.
"Whoops!" cried Maid of Honour Teresa. "It's stuck on my finger!" She wiggled the middle finger of her right hand hand, which was, indeed, decorated with a man's gold wedding band. "It's stuck on my wanking finger! Does anyone have any lube?"
"Fuck!" cried Brad. "I can't find the ring! It was in my pocket!"
"Has anyone seen the bride's ring?" asked Father Dominic.
"Practically very guy on the East coast!" cried Cara.
"I see something down there!" exclaimed Brenda, bending down to look at something imaginary on the floor and simultaneously lifting her gown to bare her buttocks to the assembly.
"Oh, my God!" cried a male voice from the crowd. "The ring's in her ass!"
Federico, the videographer, zoomed in for a close-up.
"Has anyone seen my gown?" cried Fiona, running out from behind the altar, naked as the day she was born. "Oh, there it is."
She ran over to a bright red Mr. Mann and pulled her dress out from under his pew.
"Why are you hiding my clothes, you naughty man?" she scolded him, leaping up into his lap and kissing him on the lips. "If you wanted to fuck me, all you had to do was ask!"
Federico was getting it all on camera.
"Turn that camera off!" cried Eugenia. "The wedding's off and you're fired!"
"None of this is my doing," he pointed out in his own defence. "You hired me to record the event and that's what I'm doing."
"If you think you are going to get paid for putting this schmozzle on film you've got another thing coming," she told him.
"YouTube, here I come," he smiled.
"O.K., O.K.," she relented. "We'll pay."
"Come on, let's get to the reception before Mr. and Mrs. Mann get there to lock the gate!" cried Brenda, grabbing the arm of the bewildered Alice.
"You've completely fucked up my wedding!" she cried, as Brenda dragged her out of the church.
"You would have been miserable with those snobs," Brenda pointed out.
"Manfred's not like his parents," Alice told her.
"But you would have had to live by their rules to get their money," said Brenda. "And, while Manfred is super-cute and can fuck me any day of the week, do you really think you would have been satisfied with only one guy?"
"Mmmmmm, maybe not," she conceded. "But you still deserve to have your bottoms spanked, the lot of you."
"I tell you what," Brenda told her. "As soon as all this is over, you and Manfred can take turns spanking my bottom until it is red as a beetroot. And then Manfred can fuck it with his big stiff knob."
"How do you know he has a big knob?" Alice wanted to know.
"You think we don't take a peak at your emails?" Brenda asked.
"Quick, give me a piggy-back!" cried Fiona, leaping onto Brenda's back. She had her dress back on, but the buttons weren't done up. "They're after us!"
Teresa, who was a fan of the movie The Graduate, had stolen the crucifix off of the wall and she used it to bar the doors to the church, allowing the re-unified Slut Pack to get a head start on the rest of the congregation. They all hopped into one of the limousines, and Alice drove them to the Mann's mansion where a lavish reception had been laid on.
"It's cake farting time!" cried Brenda, lifting her dress and sitting her nude arse down into the sumptuous wedding cake. She ground it all around, and then stood up, bent down, spread her cheeks and broke wind. Cream, frosting, and a diamond wedding ring, sprayed from her butthole.
Alice, giving way to the euphoria which follows release from an anxiety-provoking situation, was next. She pulled off her lacy knickers, planted her delectable bare ass deep into the cake, and blew a rip-snorting rectal raspberry.
"You chicks are real pigs!" cried Brad, who, along with Manfred, had almost beaten them back to the party.
"I'm so sorry about all of this," Alice told Manfred. "I do love you. But the girl's are right. I could never live the kind of lifestyle your parent's would expect of me."
"Don't worry," he assured her. "I love you for who you are. And if who you are is a girl who likes farting in wedding cakes, so be it. After today my parents will probably disown me. But if I can't make my own way in the world then I'm not a real Mann, am I?"
"So what are you guys going to do to the cake?" asked Cara.
"I'm going to fuck it!" cried Brad, dropping his pants to reveal his prodigious nine inches in a state of rock hard erectness. He ran at the cake and shoved his stiff prick deep into the frosting.
"What made you stiff?" asked a cheeky Alice.
"Thinking about your cake-filled cunt," he confessed, as he slid his cock in and out of the confectionary.
"That's my would-be bride's cunt you are talking about!" cried Manfred in mock disapproval.
"You were that close to getting exclusive right's to my cunt," Alice pointed out, holding her finger's close together. "But you missed out. So if Brad wants to eat wedding cake out of it, he is welcome to."
It was too good an invitation for Brad to turn down.
When Manfred's parents arrived they found : Brad licking frosting clumps out of Alice's vagina ; Manfred fucking Brenda in the ass ; Teresa and Fiona both stark naked and engaged in an act of lesbian lust involving Fiona sucking on Teresa's clit while Teresa used the groom from the top of the wedding cake as a dildo in Fiona's pussy ; and Cara had her dress up and was squatting down on the table pissing into the punch bowl.
"We'll have to lock them up in the cellar and take away their mobiles," Teresa pointed out. "We don't want them cancelling the honeymoon before we even arrive."
"The honeymoon?" asked Alice.
"Well, there's a hotel room with a super large bed booked for the next week," Teresa explained. "We might as well use it. You go in as normal and then the rest of us will sneak our way in."
"Does that include me?" asked Brad.
"Of course it does," Teresa replied. "We all want to make things up to Manfred by being very nice to his cock. But one cock isn't enough for five women. Well, four and a half anyway."
"You watch it!" cried Fiona, biting her on the bum.
* * *
"Rudeness, crudeness, and, above all, nudeness, shall be the order of the day," declared Alice, once they had all snuck into the bridal suite.
"Strip for us!" cried Manfred and Brad in unison.
The girls all did slow elaborate strip routines out of their now rather soiled dresses. The guy's remained dressed, but unzipped their pants and pulled out their stiff cocks. The girl's kissed their cocks and gave them lap dances as they slowly lost their lingerie. Finally, the guys were so turned on that they wanked off and spurted cum all over their formal attire and had to remove it. Now everyone was naked and feeling very frisky.
It would take a while for the guys to get stiff again, so the girl's had to resort to pleasuring each other while the guys watched.
Since Alice was the girl of the moment, they lay her down on the bed and licked her all over. Cara and Teresa sucked on a stiff nipple each, Fiona was between her legs licking out her pussy, and Brenda was on the floor sucking on her toes. When she really started to moan and writhe around, they flipped her over. Fiona was still underneath her sucking on her clit, and now Brenda crawled up behind her, spread her bum cheeks and started licking her butthole. It wasn't long before she squirted all over Fiona's face.
All the girl's had a turn having their pussy licked, and the boys helped out too. They're tongues were up to the task of pussy-pleasing, even if their cocks were still at half-mast.
"Dwarf-tossing competition!" cried Brenda, when it was time for Fiona to get her pussy licked.
"Do I have a beard?" asked an exasperated Fiona. "Do I work in a diamond mine? Do I sing 'Hi Ho Hi Ho Hi Ho'?"
But Brenda just picked her up and threw her across to Manfred who began fucking her pussy with his tongue.
"Oooooo! Me! Me!" cried Cara. "Throw her to me!"
Manfred threw her in Cara's direction, but unfortunately he didn't know his own strength and she sailed straight out through the open window. A moment later there was the sound of a loud splash from far below.
"Whoops!" cried Manfred.
The phone rang and Brad answered it.
"There's a nude midget in the swimming pool," the desk clerk informed him. "Does she belong to your party?"
Half an hour later, Alice and Manfred were fucking on the bed as the others all watched and provided commentary. Fiona was sulking in the corner. She'd towelled off, but her hair was still damp.
"Nice cock, you dirty bastard," cried Brenda. "Now tease her stiff clitty with the pre-cum-slippery head of that beautiful boner."
"Cute butt!" exclaimed Cara, slapping Manfred's arse playfully.
"Fuck her! I did!" cried Brad, who had been hitting the room's mini-bar a little too heavily.
"And so the wedding that never was has been consummated!" yelled Teresa.
"That stuff looks a bit too thick to be consumé," quipped Brenda, grabbing a miniature bottle of vodka in one hand and Brad's stiff cock in the other.
"Let's have a masturbation contest," suggested Teresa.
"How does that work?" asked Brad.
"We all wank off and whoever can have the most orgasms wins," she explained.
"We guys will be at a bit of a disadvantage," put in Manfred. "Especially me."
"It's a contest for we girls," said Cara. "But if you guys feel like wanking your wieners while you watch, that is not against the rules."
"Close that window first," said Fiona, climbing up onto the bed and spreading her legs. She was the champion when it came to wanking contests, so she was beginning to forgive her friends for their previous behaviour towards her.
The girls all lay in a row along the bed, each with her legs thrown over the legs of the girls on either side. And then they all started fingering themselves. Some also played with their nipples. After about fifteen minutes Fiona began screaming with her first orgasm. The others followed. Soon the room was ringing to a veritable cacophony of cums. Wet cunts were puddling the bedspread, and the two guys were rock hard and stroking themselves in appreciation of what they were witnessing.
As expected Fiona was the winner, although Teresa got a special mention for squirting so hard at one stage that she showered cunt juice all over the guy's cocks fully a metre away.
"I'm hungry," declared Brenda. "Let's call for room service."
They ordered enough food to feed an army. And a short time later there was a knock on the door.
"Come in," cried Alice.
Nobody bothered to cover up as the waiter wheeled in the trolley full of food.
"He's cute," Fiona pointed out, pulling down his trousers. "Let's keep him."
* * *
"It was a case of mass demonic possession," Father Dominic told the Bishop. "I think we need to cleanse the church."
His explanation was accepted that time. But a year later, when the Bishop discovered that he had drilled a glory hole in his confessional and was asking for a very unusual form of penance from some of his lady parishioners, he was forced to retire and take up a position in the porn industry.