TV: Feeling moody?
ME: You bet.
TV: Feeling like your emotions are on some sort of…pendulum?
ME: Oh my god that is like exactly how I –
TV: Cialis can help.
TV: Cialis gives you an extra boost.
ME: Well, what is it?
TV: Cialis is a natural enhancement prescription drug available from most doctors and pharmacies.
ME: Oh. Oh, okay. Um…
TV: What? I thought you said you were feeling moody.
ME: Yeah no I am but –
TV: Well come on, man! Cialis is waiting.
ME: I dunno. I’d really rather just…talk to someone, y’know?
TV: Fine. (deep sigh) What do you wanna talk about?
ME: You want me to talk to you?
TV: Well it’s 4 am, pal. So it’s either me or the toaster oven.
(from the kitchen, we hear the toaster oven cry: “I’m so lonely”).
ME: Okay. Well, um, it’s just that, I just moved here to New York and sometimes it’s really difficult. Like I’ll be happy and everything’s fine and then all of a sudden, I’ll feel incredibly depressed, and I’ll miss my friends like crazy.
TV: Cialis can help with that.
ME: No, see, you’re not listening. I don’t want to take a pill. I just want to talk to someone.
TV: Look, I am listening, okay? I’m taking in the information you’re providing, and I’m offering advice. And my advice is to ask your doctor about Cialis. Because 9 out of 10 men suffer from erectile dysfunction at some point in their lives, and from what you’re telling me, it doesn’t sound like you’re in the minority.
ME: Honestly, TV, this isn’t about my inability to hold a bon…wait, Cialis is a male enhancement drug?! I don’t need a male enhancement drug!!
TV: Sure you don’t.
ME: Oh, screw you, TV, you suck. You are the worst friend in the world, y’know that? All you do is shout at me and tell me to buy things I don’t need! God, I hate you so much!
(He turns off TV. Alone. Goes into kitchen. Looks at toaster).
TOASTER: I have suicidal thoughts.
ME: Um, okay, I don’t really know what you want me to do with that knowledge, but –
TOASTER: Hold me.
ME: Okay, okay.
(He lifts the toaster up, holds it tight against his chest, fondles the chord betwixt his fingers).