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Me n' TV

By joshlefkowitz All Rights Reserved ©


Chapter 1

TV: Feeling moody?

ME: Yeah.

TV: Down?

ME: You bet.

TV: Feeling like your emotions are on some sort of…pendulum?

ME: Oh my god that is like exactly how I –

TV: Cialis can help.

ME: Yeah?

TV: Cialis gives you an extra boost.

ME: Well, what is it?

TV: Cialis is a natural enhancement prescription drug available from most doctors and pharmacies.

ME: Oh.  Oh, okay.  Um…

TV: What?  I thought you said you were feeling moody.

ME: Yeah no I am but –

TV: Well come on, man!  Cialis is waiting.

ME: I dunno.  I’d really rather just…talk to someone, y’know?

TV: Fine.  (deep sigh)  What do you wanna talk about?

ME: You want me to talk to you?

TV: Well it’s 4 am, pal.  So it’s either me or the toaster oven.

(from the kitchen, we hear the toaster oven cry: “I’m so lonely”).

ME: Okay.  Well, um, it’s just that, I just moved here to New York and sometimes it’s really difficult.  Like I’ll be happy and everything’s fine and then all of a sudden, I’ll feel incredibly depressed, and I’ll miss my friends like crazy.

TV: Cialis can help with that.

ME: No, see, you’re not listening.  I don’t want to take a pill.  I just want to talk to someone.

TV: Look, I am listening, okay?  I’m taking in the information you’re providing, and I’m offering advice.  And my advice is to ask your doctor about Cialis.  Because 9 out of 10 men suffer from erectile dysfunction at some point in their lives, and from what you’re telling me, it doesn’t sound like you’re in the minority.

ME: Honestly, TV, this isn’t about my inability to hold a bon…wait, Cialis is a male enhancement drug?!  I don’t need a male enhancement drug!!

TV: Sure you don’t.

ME: Oh, screw you, TV, you suck.  You are the worst friend in the world, y’know that?  All you do is shout at me and tell me to buy things I don’t need!  God, I hate you so much!

(He turns off TV.  Alone.  Goes into kitchen.  Looks at toaster).

TOASTER: I have suicidal thoughts.

ME: Um, okay, I don’t really know what you want me to do with that knowledge, but –

TOASTER: Hold me.

ME: Okay, okay.

(He lifts the toaster up, holds it tight against his chest, fondles the chord betwixt his fingers).

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