For a while now Trevor had begun to suspect that his wife was growing suspicious of him, which made things difficult when it came to his favourite after-work pastime. Jerking off. Since they’d gotten married five years ago, Trevor’s wife had become more and more involved in her work and the idea of sex, and having kids had began to slowly drift out of the window. What this meant was that Trevor suddenly had a lot of spare time on his hands, and an ever-growing pair of overripe testicles. He was horny all the time, but the thought of cheating on his wife made him sick. It wasn’t her fault that she was good at her job and was excelling at everything they threw at her. She was basically paying their mortgage all by herself. Cheating was bad, but there was no harm in slapping the ‘old fella’ about every afternoon or so. As long as his wife didn’t find out, he didn’t have to worry about her feeling obsolete when it came to his happiness. He’d simply keep it all a big secret. It shouldn’t be too hard as his wife didn’t come home until late and plenty of other guys he knew did it often and got away with it.
At first it started out with just a few sessions in front of the laptop, with some quality pornography open in an incognito window and a tub of Vaseline nearby. But then things began to spiral. Soon he found himself researching male sex toys and other pleasure items, only he couldn’t buy any as his wife monitored the credit cards. Sometimes he sat naked in the dark, with his eyes closed and his headphones on, his dick in his hands and his ears being raped to the sound of some hardcore moaning that he’d downloaded online. That method got thrown out however, when his wife had come home early and almost caught him. He’d only just had enough time to pull his clothes on and flick on the light upon hearing the car pull up. He’d missed a few buttons on his shirt though, causing his wife to search about the house for some mistress she suspected he had.
Soon after Trevor’s close call, things became difficult. He knew she’d become more vigilant, coming home a little quicker and sneaking silently up the driveway with the engine turned off. He was becoming less certain on when exactly she would get home, which only made things all the more thrilling. What didn’t help however was that he’d almost exerted all his different masturbation methods. Most things didn’t cut it anymore. It had been a while since he’d properly gotten off.
One particular morning everything seemed to change and Trevor finally got his big break. He’d watched a movie the night before where one of the main characters had tried to fuck a pie and the film had given him the idea that maybe the same thing would work for him. Heading downstairs for breakfast, he was disappointed to find that they did not have any pies in the fridge when he opened it for a sneaky peek. They did, however, have a leg of ham that looked quite soft. All he had to do was wait until his wife was out, heat it up a little, carve a hole and he’d be ready to go. He’d have to be careful of course, make sure she was going to be at work all day and pretend that he’d eaten the ham for lunch.
With his plan laid out, Trevor stood at the kitchen counter waiting for the kettle to boil for his morning coffee. In the next room, he could hear his wife arguing with the office over the phone. To his delight she came in a little while later and announced that she would be kept a bit late at work that evening. As she gave him a kiss and walked out of the front door, she missed the little fist pump that he gave to himself. Tonight would be the night. The ham was almost winking to him from behind the fridge door.
That afternoon, Trevor returned home from work as quickly as he could and looked up and down the street to make sure he wasn’t being watched. His wife could have spies anywhere. Everything seemed clear, the only thing in the street being an empty, white sedan parked across the road. Carefully he unlocked the front door and slipped inside, drawing all the blinds in the front rooms of the house. He estimated that he had roughly three hours before his wife returned. With that much time, he decided he’d delay things a little but by putting on some porn and getting himself warmed up. He’d then stick the ham in the oven once he was fully ready to go and warm it up a little for what he hoped would be an experience almost as good as sex.
An hour later, Trevor found himself waking up suddenly from a powernap. He’d fallen asleep in front of the laptop, the once-entertaining porn having made him drowsy after a hard day’s work. His penis hung limp out the teeth of his fly. His heart jumped to his throat. Did he still have time to carry out his master plan? He looked at his watch. He had maybe an hour before his wife got home. Quickly he got up and flung open the over door, chucking the ham in soon after at one fifty Celsius. It should be warm enough in about ten minutes. Still a little panicky from the shock of waking though, Trevor couldn’t help but do a final check of the street. Peeking through the blinds in the living room, the coast was still clear.Once the timer went off on the oven, Trevor couldn’t wait any longer. It had been way too long since he’d felt the joy of an orgasm. Flinging off his clothes, he grabbed the ham out of the oven and carved the closest thing he could to a vagina. Inserting himself, he stifled a moan. Somewhere in the distance there was a loud crack, but the pleasure was just too real. Before he knew it he was facing his wife, the sweating ham the only thing covering what was left of his dignity.