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The Day I Decided to Kill my Brother

By Kenneth Allan All Rights Reserved ©

Humor / Children

Chapter 1


Really my life is in that diary. I have kept one for as long as I can remember and I have always kept them hidden well away from that annoying brother of mine.For the last few years I have been putting my innermost desires, secrets and feelings in there and their pretty weird. Mum would freak if she read them, not that I did any of those things mind you. Well not all of them.

I just know it was my brother that read my diary. He will often sneak into my room and go through my drawers. Especially my underwear drawer. I think he is a bit wierd. I caught him coming out of my room but he swears he had just used the bathroom and when I went into my room there was my diary open on the desk. He now knew my most secret desires and must die and that is why I am writing this before the night nurse comes to put me on the bedpan.

My first attempt was to poison him. Mum is a bit of a hypochondriac and kept all sorts of pills both pharmaceutical and herbal. I made a list of all of them and searched them out on the internet. I discovered that the little pink ones could stop the heart if too many were taken. It didn't say how much so I took the whole bottle. The family was having a barbeque that day with an aunt, uncle and cousins. I crunched the pill up into a powder and poured it into a glass of coke. I also poured out a glass for myself to allay any of his suspicions.

Everything was going well. We all gathered around the barbeque and little bro was about to gulp down his coke when dad pulled his famous party trick. He set the barbeque on fire. Everyone ran around in panic and someone yelled at me to get a fire blanket, as if everyone has one of these handy. I put my glass down and ran off to find one. Eventually I came back with one but now they were all standing around the burning steaks, sausages and rissoles, drinking beer and eating Kentucky Fried from a Family Sized Bucket my uncle had brought with him. He had been to dads barbeques before.

I noticed evil little bro had picked up his coke and gulped it down and in a gesture of triumph, I gulped mine down and waited. I waited impatiently for bro to drop dead and my secrets would be safe. Unfortunately evil little bro didnt drop dead instead what felt like a nuclear explosion erupted in my intestines and I spewed forth like Mt Vesuvius from both ends and just before I passed out I noticed evil bro laughing hysterically. I woke up in the ambulance with mum hovering over me.

"Whatever made you take this stuff, Olivia.?" She asked shoving the empty pill bottle in my face. Desperate, and not wanting to confess to attempted murder, I said I tried to kill myself. Mum didn't blink an eyelid. Instead she said " Well you want to try something more effective than a bottle of herbal laxatives". To be fair she did organize some therapy for me.

My next attempt involved an accomplice. I told my best friend my problem although I decided I better not tell her about the attempted murder. Her reply suprised me.

"Oh thats easy" she said, "my little sister will do it for you. She is always doing evil things like that".

"What murdering people" I asked astounded.

"Well, no but she pulls wings of dragonflies. She threw the goldfish onto the carpet in front of the cat and stuck a firework up the backside of a stray cat. Im sure if you gave her your Barbie Doll collection she would kill your brother".

Now it may seem a bit odd for a fifteen year old girl to have a Barbie Doll collection but mine was the most perfect and complete one in the city. Girls and quite a few grownups desired it. I decided my secrets were worth more than the collection so I agreed.

As luck would have it Emily, my friends evil little sister, was in the same class as my evil little bro and the class was going on a nature walk as a school project. It took them a short distance along a cliff side track. Normally this is quite safe as it is well fenced in but there is one section where the fence was broken and lay flat on the ground. Emily's plan was to push bro through the gap and over the cliff to his doom. It was a brilliant plan verging on genius. For the cost of a couple of my barbies, which I had to pay in advance by the way, Emily got a friend to chase her at high speed along the footpath just as little bro got to the gap then she would stumble against him propelling him over the edge. It would look like a tragic accident.

It didn't turn out that way though. Emily ran up the footpath at the speed of a racehorse. Just at the critical moment her foot hit a stone and she cried out. Evil little bro turned and stepped aside. Emily's momentum was that great she couldn't stop and went clear over the edge. She ended up in in hospital with a broken leg, broken arm, cracked ribs and a fractured skull. Could have been worse I suppose. Feeling bad about this I suggested to my friend I go visit her in hospital. Not a good idea ,she said, the only reason she did'nt have a contract out on you was because she had no money and I should avoid her when she gets out of hospital as much as possible. Especially if she has a fire cracker in her hand.

It was some time before the next opportunity presented itself. ELB (Evil little bro) loved his mountain bike but he was useless with it. He would often come off whenever he went over a speed bump, could barely keep up with the others and always sliding off when he hit a puddle. He was always getting scrapes and bruises but he loved it. I think he's a masochist.

The club he was in decided to enter a state wide championship with a team of six. However one of the team came down with chickenpox and you must have a team of six so because of such short notice they selected ELB. Frankly ELB was so bad at mountain biking that he would probably kill himself anyway but I decided to give him a helping hand.

The course he was riding on was over a kilometre long with plenty of dips, curves, puddles and obstacles. The main one, the killer one, was a huge hill which dropped steeply into a deep dip then rose sharply so that when a bike came down the hill it would enter the dip then shoot upwards. It you come down too slowly you end up in the pond on the other side of the ridge. If you come down at the right speed you land on the track and veer sharply to the right. If you come down the hill too fast, well nobody really knew.

I decided to cut his rear brake cable with my nail file. Which I did, quite neatly actually. I left his front brake alone figuring that if his rear brake fails and he applied his front brake he will fly over the handle bars and break his neck.

The whole family arrived at the meeting. Mum constantly pleaded with ELB to give this madness up and dad who was as big a klutz as ELB tripped over the mountain bike and had to be attended to by the ambulance people. When it was ELB'S turn to race he stunned me. The little bugger must have been practicing. He shot out of the starting line like a rocket, skated round the bends, shot through the puddles and handled all the jumps with skill and accuracy. In spite of myself I couldn't help feeling a little proud of him.

ELB was in the first five to reach Deaths Hill. They all reached the top of the hill together and started down. This must have been the point where the cable broke because he suddenly shot out in front of the others. Soon he was screaming down the hill but he didn't touch the front brakes and stayed on the bike. The crowd went quiet. He had left the others way behind. Down the hill he flew and hit the dip. Up the other side of the dip he went then left the earth. Up and up he flew but still kept a forward momentum. Slowly he started to spin upside down. Not just once but twice. The entire crowd went totally silent. Down he came right side up and his wheels hit the ground. By now most of his forward momentum was gone and he swung the bike round the bend. The entire two thousand strong crowd went wild with cheering and shouting. I tell you there is no justice in the world.

I decided it was time to take more direct action and it involved dad and his fishing hobby. Dad was an avid deep sea fishing amateur and very good at it. He was constantly on ELB's back to come out with him but ELB hated fishing. The plan was to get ELB to go with dad and I would go along for moral support, and put the bait on the hook. Dad always makes us wear life jackets and the ones he uses are the self inflatable ones. What I planned to do was sabotage his life jacket making sure to mark mine so they dont get mixed up then push him overboard while dad was intent on piloting the boat. If dad asked where he was I would just say he had gone to the toilet. By the time dad discovers he's missing he will be long gone.

Everything went according to plan and I was just waiting for the right moment. The seas were a bit rough and that suited my plan because I could blame a large wave for washing him overboard which in fact is what happened except it wasn't ELB that went overboard but me. I wasn't paying attention and I was watching what I thought was a fish in the water next thing I know I am in the water. I didn't panic though. I just pulled the release valve to inflate the jacket but nothing happened. It was faulty. Now I panicked because I can't swim and down I went.

I came to sputtering sea-water from my lungs and dad pounding on my chest. I had bruises for days after. It appears that nobody noticed I was gone, ironically, but as soon as dad did he swung around and went back over the same course. ELB finally spotted me surfacing for the last time as I went down. Stripping his life jacket off and tying a rope round his waist he dived in and caught me. Dad pulled us both back to the boat. ELB had saved me. The little bugger sure knows how to complicate things.

ELb was super nice to me for a couple of weeks but I could see through his evil plan and I resolved to try once more. ELB and I went to the same school. Each year the school selected several pupils from each grade to take part and organize a school play. This highly irritating activity occurred because a rich ex-pupil funded and had built a fully functional theatre for the school. It just so happened my brother and I were both involved in this years production. It was something written by some guy called Shake Spears or something like that. It was about some guy that was stabbed in the back by a friend and said "You to Doofus".

Anyway ELB was to be dressed up in a bed sheet as something called a senator , whatever that was , and all he needed to do was just stand there. I was just a lowly stage hand. After a while I noticed that he was standing under this huge gantry. A sort of scaffold thing that held stage lights, special effects equipment and other very heavy looking things that nobody ever used. It was held up with a system of pulleys and ropes the end of which was tied to a hook in a dark corner at the rear of the stage. It was used to raise or lower the gantry.

An idea began to form in my mind but how to cut the rope without anyone linking me with it. I hit upon the idea of using acid to eat through the rope. I carefully siphoned some battery acid from one of dads old batteries and tried a few experiments and discovered how long it would take to eat through. I waited till the day of the show and poured the acid onto the rope at just the right time. ELB took his place on the stage and I waited but something didnt appear right. ELB looked smaller than usual then to my horror I spotted ELB standing in the other wing. He had had a bout of the runs and they used a stand in, a younger boy from an earlier grade. Now I might be a murderer but I dont kill innocent people. I leaped out onto the stage and pushed the little boy out the way just in time for the entire gantry to crash down on top of me.

I wont go into the gory details but now I am in hospital with a huge gash in my forehead which will leave a nasty scar, two broken legs, broken collar bones and a broken arm not to mention the numerous cuts and bruises caused by flying glass and metal but at least they all think I am a heroine.

However it was good old mum who figured it all out. You see it was her that was going through my underwear drawer. I have a habit of putting my dirty underwear back in my drawer and I foRgot that mum goes through it regularly to retrive said items and it was her that read my diary. She said not to worry about it. She had those desires herelf at my age although she did note that a couple of them were brand new to her. She also figured out I had stopped taking my medication. At first I denied it then she reminded me what happened last time. I became convinced dad was a vampire and I would have put a stake through his heart except mum woke up in time. Now I take my pills.

Oh and by the way my dear little brother brought me the biggest bunch of flowers and a get well card. Isnt he just the dearest thing.

The End

..
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