Chapter 33 || Our Very Own Azkaban...
I strolled down the street without really having a destination. My cheeks were covered with mascara and tears, but I came to a point where I had cried so much that I wasn’t able to produce a single tear anymore
I was only ten minutes away from home but I didn’t want to go there since I suspected Emma or anyone else to look for me there and, honestly, this is the last thing I need right now.
The anger that had consumed so much of my mind was blown away. I just felt like an empty body, like a dementor had sucked all of my emotions out of my soul. The anger, the happiness, the sadness, everything was just gone.
I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore. Do I still want Alex and me to become a couple ? Do I even want to see anyone one of them after my little performance ? I didn’t want anything right now. I didn’t want to be happy, nor sad, nor angry. I just wanted to stop my existence.
I didn’t want to die or anything, just stopping my existence for a day or so and then get back. People try to help you by being there for you, but sometimes they don’t realize that not being there would help you more.
Your friends can’t help you with everything, there are times when you need to figure out for yourself how to fight a battle, whether you want to. My appreciation for everything they have done for me is inexpressible, but from time to time everything is getting to much.
Here I was now, standing in the middle of our town with no car in sight, trying to figure out what I want. When you think I couldn’t get more dramatic...
Looking on my phone, I saw that I had several missed calls and a lot of messages from Sofía, Emma and Kyle. I kept scrolling and saw a message from Alex.
Can we talk ?
I was mad at him for writing me that text message, even though I had no right to. He had been tricked by as well as everyone else. He decided to stay with her, although he didn’t love her anymore, just because he didn’t want to leave her alone.
That shows that he would have done the same thing for me, maybe even more. The thing is I’m too selfish right now to take that into account and I hate myself for that, I really do.
The hate I felt when I saw this message was huge and I don’t even know why. Maybe it was because I felt like second choice which I know I wasn’t true but the feeling was too strong to ignore.
When I was about to put my phone back into my pocket, I saw my screen lighting up, revealing an unknown number.
“Hey, Jessica.“, a familiar voice answered.
“Finn.“, I said surprised, still sniffing a little.
“Are you crying ?“, he asked surprised.
I thought about lying, but I knew that he wouldn’t buy it and be persistent until I would tell him the truth. “I was. Past tense.”
“Why ?“, he sounded worried. “Is it because of the son of Detective Valente. What was his name again ?”
“Alex.“, I replied quietly, having troubles with saying his name out loud. “I think I just experienced one of the worst moments in my life. Turns out that his girlfriend faked a disease to prevent him from leaving her.”
Silence took over for a moment, until Finn decided to break it. “Wow.“, was all he managed to replied. “Are you okay ? But shouldn’t this be a good thing ? I know you like him and now that she has been exposed, he knows her true self.”
“Actually yes, but Alex and I almost got together. He wanted to leave her but then he calls me from the hospital, saying that he couldn’t because he feels responsible for.“, my heartbeat got faster, the longer I thought about our conversation in front of the hospital.
The guilt and grief in his face, the way he looked down at the ground in order to avoid to look at me. It was a bit like I was reliving the moment with the weird feeling in my chest and the uncomfortable feeling in my stomach that made me wanting to throw up.
“Let me guess. You are angry at him for having stayed with her but also happy because it means that he is trustworthy.“, the way he said those words made me feel a bit better, not because he was actually right, but because of the way he said it.
He was neither being annoyed nor rude, but he said it like he knew exactly what I mean and understood the way I felt.
“Pretty much, yes.“, I agreed with a lower voice. “And now I feel a little lost, not because I don’t trust Alex, but because I do not trust the situation anymore and I don’t know what to do about it.”
“Have you talked to him ?“, his words went right through my stomach and created the weird and uncomfortable feeling that I was having before.
“No.“, I said, knowing what Finn would reply.
“I know that things like that are harsh but I think you really should talk to him. Sort things out even though you don’t feel like it. You don’t have to do it now but I don’t even have to see you and I know how much it breaks you.“, he explained to me.
I smiled at his rational and logic thinking because I wasn’t in the mood to be the one doing that right now. That was one of the things why I really admired him, not only because he was a little older than me but he always seemed to have everything under control even when everything was falling apart.
“Where are you right now ?”
“Almost at home. Why ?”
“Stay there. I’ll pick you up.”