Benjamin Ulysses Maitland-Abyss & Chips BOOK SIX

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Chapter 15

A restless night’s sleep was all that Ben got for worrying about his new found friends at the bottom of the Dx4H. Zara called it the Abyss but Ben knew it better as the Dx4H. They were in serious peril, so was D-Mac if he did not get his boat started. D-Mac had run out of fuel and was drifting in the Loch on the incoming tide. Sorehead and Verandah were both snoring loudly with their mouths open so D-mac decided to play a trick on them. He grabbed two very old small prawns that were about to be used as bait but were not that hardened from being in the sun and he lined up the prawns with each mouth. Then just as they inhaled and snored...Bombs Away!!!!!!

As expected the end result was lots of coughing, shock, pats on the back and two extremely pissed off travellers. D-Mac was at the wheel when they looked up and he played dumb and just said, ‘Good morning Bosses.’ They looked angrily at him and said back... ‘Arr we fugging dare yut?’

‘I’ll tell you one thing, we are out of gas and drifting toward that big old hotel over there. Lucky for you guys I know the owners so they can tow us to shore and then drive us to town to get some fuel, then we are good to go,’ explained D-Mac to his bosses who were still spitting out bits of dried up prawn from their mouths.

‘Oket, gut fuwell, den we nutt,’ said Verandah whose gag reflex had settled down a lot faster than Soreheads.

Ben was up like a shot from his bed. He did his toiletries in record time and was down the stairs, in the office, down into the cellar and checking his air tanks before you could say ‘thing-a-me-bob-za-whats-it’. The tanks were good to go and so was Ben. He hoisted the tanks off the compressor and up the stairs into the office. He said a hurried ‘Good Morning’ to Agnes who was down to one tap dancing elephant now while checking the register and he was off out the front door to suit up. It was as he put the tanks against the kennel that he saw D-Mac’s boat and the owner waiving a white flag. That meant he needed help.

Ben raced down the stone steps to his boats and jumped in. Hambone instantly appeared and off they went to see what was wrong. The closer Ben got the old fishing boat he heard from its owner that he needed fuel so Ben decided to get some of the guests to help with the other small boats to tow D-Mac back to shore.


Ben had to move rather fast actually to get to his boat as the stampede to the little boats took him by surprise. Once safely under way, D-Mac threw all the boats enough rope to tow the Crushed Asian to the front of Amazing and Graceful (bad choice of name for his boat but D-Mac could not spell so once again it sounded like crustacean, so Crushed Asian it was). There it was tied down and D-Mac plus his International Travellers were ferried to the bank and a waiting car to get some fuel from town and then back to their previously appointed destination.

Ben drove the car and yacked to D-Mac about how much he loved the air tanks and how much fun it was finding old teeth and coins by the front of the hotel. The two other passengers sat like ugly sweaty gargoyles either side of D-Mac as the car sped into town. Lamb Shanks came for the drive and had his head out of the window all the way. The window behind Lamb Shanks was covered in dog slobber gobies and spittle and an extra-large dog slobber made it through the window and onto the travelling ugly traveller. He was not impressed.

‘Windy thut fugging wyndo upze,’ yelled Verandah.

‘Sorry about that mate, Lamb Shanks loves the wind in his face. Sit back Shanks!’ and Ben wound the window up.

‘Eye giv im 22 bullut in phace,’ said Verandah wiping the slobber off his nose and mouth with his arm.(Yuuuuuuuck dog slobber in the mouth, remind me to tell you about my next door neighbour’s dog and what he did a few more chapters on. I bet you all turn green when I tell you later.)

Ben had 4 tanks full of diesel in his boot. D-Mac had a beer in one hand and the two ugly travellers who were trying to eat ice creams next to him. Verandah had swapped places with Sorehead just as a large lump of dog slobber came through the window and landed on his ice cream. Good timing thought D-Mac. D-Mac saw it land but he never said a word. Actually he couldn’t tell if it was on the man’s ice cream or his white business shirt. D-Mac decided to ask Sorehead if he liked the ice cream and he asked him mid-lick. Sorehead turned sideways with the dog slobber on his tongue still attached to the ice cream he was trying to eat. D-Mac was really trying hard not to laugh at what he was witnessing. Then, as if by lightning he slurped up the slobber as quick as you like and it was gone. D-Mac’s gag reflux took over and he burped into his hand, still trying to hold back the laughter.

‘Iccy Crum tayst lyke dogpoop,’ said Sorehead and he grimaced at the taste.

D-Mac lost control and began to laugh uncontrollably in the car.

Lamb Shanks started to bark and share his spit all over the car.

D-Mac had tears rolling down his cheeks and the ugly travellers were trying to protect their ice-creams with the hands and arms.

Ben drove on back to the boat and helped get the fuel on the boat and into the engine. Sorehead kept running his tongue over his teeth like he had a hair in his mouth and Verandah hushed a quick goodbye and sat next to Gotcha and his money. Ben was a bit confused and whispered to D-Mac... ‘Hey D-Mac what are you up to mate. These guys don’t look friendly.’

‘They’re not, but what they are is dumber than a bag of hammers, annnnnnnd they got CASH. So don’t worry, just some net casting is all we are going to do.’

‘What for?’ said Ben as he watched the boat slide back into the Loch.

‘Don’t know, we haven’t got that far yet. See ya mate and thanks again,’ and D-Mac turned the boat away from Amazing and Graceful and headed back into the Loch.

Ben was happy to have been a help but now it was time to pay the thirsty houseguests with the red wine he had promised them for helping get the old boat in. Then it was off for a swim to explore the Dx4H with Zara.

Ben passed out bottles to the house guests while D-Mac tried to make sense of the mud map his ugly evil travellers had given him. Ben thought it was good to be home and about to be back in the water again, while D-Mac could hardly wait to spend the two ugly, evil, nasty despicable traveller’s money at the pub and brag about it.

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