The famous and world-renowned scientist, C. Nile, has been making breakthroughs in the field of science for the last 80 years, creating such notable products like artificial nails, gorilla glue, and the plunger. But today was one that would go down in history. He was just putting the finishing touches on his newest device that would change the world. He stared at it on the table, breathless in admiration. As he took it into his hands, he lifted it high above his head, as if presenting it to the world. He then proceeded to kiss it. Then he kissed it again. Again. And again until he was passionately making out with it. His assistant, Katy Gotapee, an exceptional woman with a sometimes exceptionally small bladder, watched from a distance (like she usually did for her own safety).
“Sir, what are you doing? Sir?” asked Gotapee, startling Nile to the point where he almost dropped the device.
“Miss Gotapee! I’m glad you are here! I’ve just finished my latest creation.”
“That’s great sir! What does it do?”
Nile paused. He squinted his eyes and looked away as he intensely thought really hard about the question. This expression lasted only mere moments.
“Where am I?” asked Nile, looking around the room curiously.
“Your new invention, sir? What does it do?”
“Huh. Oh, I think it mutates stuff... or something...” he said with uncertainty while scratching his chin. Then, he suddenly shouted, “Time to experiment!”
“But sir, shouldn’t we know for certain what it is does before performing tests. It could be very dangerous.”
“Miss Gotapee. Haven’t you ever heard the saying, “a bird in the bush is better than two in the hand”?”
“Yes. Well, kind of. You said it wrong. What does it have to do with premature testing?”
Nile started thinking really hard again. Sadly, the hamster that had been spinning the wheel in his mind had long since taken a coffee break and never returned.
“Why are we talking about premature bird bushes when we should be testing! This is all very simple. I’m going to point the device at that patch of mold on the wall to see how it reacts to the beam.”
Gotapee started saying, “Wait, shouldn’t we activate the device in a...” when Nile fired the device. A beautiful ray of green light projected from it like a powerful flashlight. It hit the mold dead on and formed a green circle that encompassed the wall around it. The device made a loud ringing sound, similar to that of a dot matrix printer from the 70’s, as well as playing the tune “Pop Goes The Weasel” (Nile had a whimsical side to him as well). Gotapee covered her ears from the pure annoyance pouring out of the nameless device. She hadn’t experienced anything like this since her last boyfriend tried out for American Idol. After seeing a change in the mold, Nile shut the device off.
“Ah, now I remember. It mutates organic matter. I call it the Organic Matter Generator or OMG for short. Just look at how large the mold spot is now,” stated Dr. C. Nile with confidence as he pointed dramatically at the wall. The mold did grow in size. It was a foot longer in diameter and looked like an ugly green tumor growing out of the wall. The paint on the wall where the light had hit was singed black.
“This is amazing, sir! Just think of all the possibilities!”
“Yes! With this device, I can grow and mutate my own breeds of unique animals, sell them for more dangerous animals, lead those animals on a full scale attack of Canada and force the Canadians to lower the price on their bacon and syrup products and I’ll finally be able to afford breakfast at a reasonable price!”
There was an awkward silence in the room as Nile stared off at the corner of the room with a confident smile and eyes sparkling in the light as he was imaging his army of Bengal Tigers and Mountain Lions eating the leaf-loving Mounties.
“Sir, did you take your medication this morning?”
“My prescription ran out a week ago. Why?” Before Gotapee could respond to that alarming news, Niles said, “Well. That’s enough breakthroughs in the world of science today. Time for lunch!”
Now a days, Nile couldn’t walk five steps without tripping or forgetting where he was going. He walked about three steps when he tripped and tossed the OMG. It sailed through the air, dramatically and in slow-motion I may add, as Nile and Gotapee desperately ran after it. Luckily, it fell safely onto a pile of super soft space pillows, an experiment being conducted by the equally old and kooky Dr. Cottenplush. Upon realizing that the OMG didn’t even have a scratch on it, Cottonplush shouted, “They work! They work!” and began doing backflips and dance moves he saw on Saturday Night Fever. Niles and Gotapee rushed to the OMG while Cottonplush fell over, claiming to have broken his hip. Nile and Gotapee didn’t notice or care for that matter. “Well, that could’ve been bad. The OMG could’ve fired had it hit the ground. Everything’s okay now,” stated Nile with a smile (hey, that rhymes).
“Hey, let’s go to the pharmacy,” Gotapee stated.
Dr. Nile set the OMG on his worktable and both he and his assistant walked out of the room, that is, after Nile stopped for a moment and asked where they were going. While they were gone, however, one of the table legs broke, causing the OMG to slide off and discharge a short burst of green light. You may be saying to yourself, “Why did the table leg break now and not before when he was working?” Well, termites are one of the great mysteries of life.
The blast ricocheted off of the many shiny devices in the laboratory and off of Dr. O. Sesive’s collection of funhouse mirrors until it exited through an open window. The beam travelled through the air at the speed of light, going off into the sky and leaving Earth. It bounced off of a satellite and headed back toward a newspaper company. Around the same time, Ken Klint walked out of the revolving door of the building and sighs. He says to himself in a nerdy voice, “Sometimes, I just feel like I’m meant to do more with my life than write about disasters or messed up celebrities. Like, I should be trying to save lives instead of writing about heroes saving people. If only...” The ray barreled toward Ken, faster than a speeding bullet, as he stood in front of the building looking at the ground like the sad, pathetic shell of a man he was. Suddenly, two men carrying a mirror walked up to him. “Sir, do you know where Donna’s Beauty and Spanda is?” The ray bounced off the mirror without anyone noticing. “Yah, it’s down the street here around the corner.”
“Oh, Thanks.” The men walk away as Ken thinks to himself, “I could really go for a spa day.” As for the ray, it shot out to the moon, bounced off reflectors left there by the astronauts and headed straight toward the office break room in Ink Inc., the world’s second from the bottom greatest company that manages ink use in Taiwan while in the United States. Todd and Janice, two menial employees, were talking over by the coffee machine and the boxes of donuts in the break room.
Todd was telling one of his classic jokes, “And than I said, that’s not a chicken! It’s a cock!” who busted into laughter when finishing. Janice just nodded and said, “Uh huh” as she braced herself for what was next. “So Janice, are you doing anything this Friday?”
“Yes. I’ll be filing a sexual harassment form against you.” She walks out with Todd following her.
“Again?” responds Todd in a despondent tone.
Then suddenly, the green ray came in through the skylight in the break room and hit two boxes of donuts. In a matter of seconds, the boxes sprung to life.
“Ohhhhh,” groaned one of the boxes, “I don’t feel so good,” he said with a stupid voice you’d hear on a television show for babies. He barfed up all the donuts inside him, who were affected by the ray as well. Each donut grew arms, legs, a mouth, and a pair of eyes. For some unknown reason, each donut had a unique personality and had some knowledge of the situation around them. As they stood up and examined their surroundings, one let out an utterance of brilliance to reflect their opinion of their newly found life, “What the hell?”
The donuts loudly agreed with this magnificently said statement as they talked with one another and examined themselves in the reflection made by the coffee machine. The living box that was still filled with donuts was moving around oddly, as if something was trying to get out of it. The empty living box stated, “Uh buddy, maybe you should let the donuts out.”
He responded, “Hey, I’m not a bulimic like you. When I eat, I don’t barf it back up.” His impulsive movements began to get more violent when all of a sudden; a roaring battle cry could be heard radiating from the box just before a giant blueberry bagel broke through the lid like something out of a Terminator movie. The box screamed in pain as the bagel jumped out and was followed by five donuts.
The empty box said, “See? This is what happens when you try and keep all those violent impulses inside yourself.”
“Ahhhhhhh! Please! Kill me! Oh, please just kill me! The pain! The pain!” the box yelled desperately.
The blueberry bagel, which we’ll call Jason, decided to grant the box its request. He jumped up and down on it violently, crushing it flat as it continued to scream. As a finishing touch, he lifted it above his head and slowly ripped it in two while making an intense growl that ended with a triumphed yell. As gruesome as this behavior was, the donuts were too self-centered at the moment to even care. Jason glared over at the other box, “So, are you next?”
“No no no no!” said the box with an angry sassy voice that sounded faintly similar to Richard Simmons.
As for the donut activity in the room, one donut covered in light blue icing and white sprinkles was crouched in a corner rocking back and forth repeating calmly to himself, “This is not real. This is not real.” (We’ll call him Carl), some glazed donuts were doing belly slides across the table, one plain donut jumped into the pot of coffee thinking it to be a swimming pool (after not coming out for 2 minutes, everyone assumed that he drowned or dissolved), one of the few female donuts, a powder sugar donut, was admiring her beautiful reflection when she noticed a nearby donut coated excessively with brown sugar was staring at her non-existent butt. She slapped him across the equivalent of a face saying, “You pervert!” as she covered herself with a napkin. We’ll call her Snowy. The rest of the donuts were busy exploring the outer regions of the table since that was, in a sense, the very edge of the world for them. A donut with chocolate icing, going by the name of James, spoke to a whole-wheat donut named Hol (creative, right?) about the current situation.
“So, correct me if I’m wrong. According to the label on the talking box, we’re called donuts. I’m beginning to suspect that we’re not suppose to be alive,” said James in a matter-of-fact statement.
“That’s a depressing thought. What makes you think we should be dead?”
“Not dead; non-living. There are other boxes around her with donuts in them that aren’t alive and they don’t have arms and legs like us.”
“Maybe we’re just special.”
No sooner had Hol finished his sentence, the door to the break room opened and all of the donuts instinctively laid down and pulled in their arms and legs like turtles. In through the door came Todd. He approached the table and was dissatisfied with the donuts laying about randomly on the table.
“Oh, great. What pig came through here? Probably one of the interns.”
He started picking up donuts and sniffing them to see how fresh they were. He decided on one of the glazed. He bit into it unsatisfied with his life as it screamed in pain. Todd looked around, not realizing he just became a murder. He figured he was hearing things. On the bright side, Todd ate the donut’s doughy brain and mouth so he won’t be in any more pain. A faint donut outline with wings ascended from the now dead donut towards the ceiling. Sadly, when it reached the ceiling, it hit its head and died again and now it’s just floating there like dead goldfish. Todd hastily walked out the door with the partially eaten donut, closing it behind him.
Jason quickly stood up saying, “That monster! We should kill him!”
“I’ll get him,” The box announced. He hopped off the table and made his way to the door. He hopped as high as he could, but he couldn’t reach the door handle. The rest of the donuts stared at the box with amusement and slight embarrassment, considering they came from him. Suddenly, the door swung open, smashing the box between the wall and door. Todd burst in and the donuts were already pretending to be non- moving, delicious snacks. Todd walked over to the coffee machine with a mug, filled it with coffee and walked out, closing the door behind him, not noticing the donut chunks in the mug.
“We’ve been alive for less than five minutes and four of us are already dead,” stated James in shock and confusion. The donuts replied in response, saying “Yah”, “This stinks”, “We should kill him!”, “Boxes aren’t people”, “What’s a minute?”.
Meantime, Todd was hitting on Janice (again) still holding the donut he murdered and his mug of coffee.
“So Janice, I like your boobs. Where’d you get them?”
“Sexual harassment, Todd,” Janice said annoyed.
“It’s just a compliment. If you’re implying with your anger that they are natural, then I am impressed.”
“You can compliment me on other things than my boobs.”
“I would, but I don’t know what the rest of your body looks like, unlike your boobs which are jutting out of your shirt. You got everything else covered with clothes. However, if the clothes were gone...”
Janice pulled her shirt up, put her hands to her head and stared at her desk. She had filed sexual harassment against him so many time, the people in the human resources department and the city judge are on a first name basis with him. However, her boss, Mr. D. Bagger, was too lazy to fire anyone. The most he’d ever done for the business is pay the electric bill. Suddenly, Todd began experiencing pain in his abdomen. He kneeled to the ground, holding his chest and moaned in agony.
“Todd, are you okay?” asked Janice. She ran over to her phone and called for an ambulance, only to realize that Bagger hadn’t paid the phone bill in months. What’s worse, he forbid anyone from bringing their cell phones to work since he thought they’d be playing Candy Crush on them instead of working (much like himself). The other workers had gathered around Todd, asking if he was okay or if they could get him anything. Suddenly, a crackling of bones and shredding skin could be heard clear across the room. Any employees that hadn’t noticed Todd’s moans heard this. Todd’s skin began to whiten to a pale color and something was bulging out of the back of his shirt. In no time, it grew to the size of a head as it ripped through the fibers in the shirt, revealing an ugly black and yellow blob. Like bullets out of the barrel of a gun, 8 long thick spider legs burst out of the blob and lifted Todd up. Everyone could now see the skin falling away from his face and his dark green eyes. At this point, the employees had already wet their pants and were backing away from Todd. As fast as a cheetah, Todd charged at the closest man, holding him down with four of his legs, ripping open his chest and eating his organs, setting a world record for the fastest person to rip open a human chest and eat the organs (the only one really). In these kinds of circumstances, it is best just to leave, but Mr. Bagger, being the moron as he is, locks all the doors from the inside, making sure no one leaves early or comes in late without his permission. So basically, everyone in the office was doomed to die at the first appearance of danger anyways. He, or should I say it, went from person to person, killing, eating, and injecting them with paralyzing venom, until all the commotion brought out Mr. Bagger.
“Hey, what’s going on out here! I can’t listen to Nickelback with all this screaming going on! And why does this place smell like urine?!”
Bagger’s assistant, Meggan Noww, explained in a shrill, scared voice, “It’s Todd. He’s turned into a monster and is eating and killing everything.”
“A monster you say. Now that’s some real dedication to the job. Took me a while myself to reach that point.” During his idiotic ramblings, an employees head was ripped from their body and thrown at the wall next to Bagger. “However, it’s against the company policies to be touching one another, that includes murder and cannibalism. Noww, will you schedule Todd an appointment with me. Now!?”
“But sir, he’s ahhhhhhhh,” were the last words she said before mutant Todd tackled her to the ground and began eating her.
“Ah, Todd! There you are. I wanted to talk to you about some reports I’ve been receiving; that you’ve been killing and eating people, is this true?”
Todd was too busy enjoying Noww to respond.
“Todd, this is a very serious matter. Killing and eating people is one thing, but doing so in the workplace is unacceptable. Todd, are you listening?”
Yep, still eating.
“I’m sorry Todd. This is one offense that I can’t overlook. I could overlook you hitting on Janice since she has the body of a goddess. To be honest, I even began to think of you as the son I never got the chance to have. I... I think it would be best for everyone if you no longer worked with this company. I’m truly sorry, Todd. Maybe some day down the road we’ll meet again. I’ll send your pink slip and last paycheck through the mail. I’m sorry.”
Bagger solemnly went back into his office and closed the door. He walked back to his desk and put back in his headphones to listen to “How You Remind Me” and took out his cellphone to play candy crush when he considered calling the police to let them know about the murdering taking place. Then again, Todd was no longer his employee so it wasn’t his responsibility.
Will Bagger call the police or let the problem solve itself?Find out on the next installment of Donut Adventures! (imagine a dramatic echo effect for the word "Adventures!". Yah, just like that).