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Crumpeton Tales - The Complete Second Series

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Crumpeton Tales - Series 2, Episode 2

As the gold-plated and diamond-encrusted tea trolley of Baroness Julia Luxury-Crumpet pulled to a stop in the centre of the village, Old Mark Grumpy-Crumpet let out a quick ‘harrumph’ before slumping against the toaster, feeling slightly worse for wear after his recent spreading of rum butter…

‘Are we there?’ Empress Manic Ice-Cream-And-Strawberry-Jam-Pancake said, sniffing. ‘I really could do with a good dolloping. My cream’s getting runny and my jam’s beginning to harden. In fact, I need a double-dollop and I need it now!’
‘I’m sure you’ll get dolloped when we reach Crumpeton Hall,’ said Baron Peter Luxury-Crumpet. ‘We just need to stop here and ask for directions.’
‘Well we better get there soon, I’ve got cream dribbling out of my holes,’ the irked Empress said, haughtily.
Prince Mark Swedish-Crumpet looked over at his wife with concern. ‘Are you alright, my little buttercrust? You seem out of sorts.’
‘Oh, er, I’ll be fine, darling. This long trip is simply playing havoc with my raisins,’ Princess Hanna Swedish-Crumpet lied, before whispering ‘Are you sure they’ll have some Lurpak in when we arrive?' to Baroness Julia Luxury-Crumpet.
‘Oh, my, my, golly, gosh, golly, gosh. Yes, I’m sure they will. It won’t be long now,’ the Baroness said, reassuringly.
Old Mark let out another ‘harrumph’ and hiccupped.
‘You there,’ the Baroness shouted to him. ‘Yes, you, the strange, smelly one; which way to Crumpeton Hall, pip-pip, golly, golly.’
‘Harrumph, what do yer wanna go there for?’ Old Mark replied.
‘Why, it is none of your concern, you cheeky crumpet. We are extremely posh and see no need to discuss our business with the likes of you,’ shouted Baron Peter Luxury-Crumpet.
‘Posh are yer?’ Old Mark said, with a sneer of his rum butter-filled holes. ‘Well, I’m fed up with all you bloody posh crumpets, with yer ‘la-di-das’ and yer ‘taste-the-difference’ toppings. Harrumph to the lot of yer.’
‘I say. I mean, I golly-golly, gosh, my, my, my, my, say,’ the Baroness retorted. ‘We are the poshest crumpets you will ever meet and we expect you to respect and obey us!’
‘Harrumph,’ Old Mark Grumpy-Crumpet said. ‘Well I think you could do with a good margarine spreading to remind yer where yer come from!’
‘OMG, OMG, OMG, gosh, golly, pip-pip, OMG. Did he just use… the ‘M’ word?’ said a shocked Baroness Julia Luxury-Crumpet.
‘I think he did, darling,’ replied the Baron.
‘I do believe I’m going to what-what-what-what faint,’ the Baroness said.
‘You should know your place, you crispy old fool,’ yelled Empress Manic Ice-Cream-And-Strawberry-Jam-Pancake.
‘Ah, harrumph , and you should get yerself a good dollop of marmalade!’ Old Mark said, spitting rum butter in all directions.
‘OMG, OMG, golly-golly-golly-gosh. Did he just say… the other ‘M’ word?’ the horrified Baroness said.
‘He did, darling,’ said the Baron. ‘Driver! Get us away from here right away, toodle-pip!’
And with that, the tea trolley trundled off, as a laughing Old Mark Grumpy-Crumpet collapsed onto the toast rack…

Back at Crumpeton Hall, in the Drawing Room, Cousin Craig Sticky-Pikelet and Kurt Muffin-Crumpet were spreading each other with Branston Pickle when Sir Peter Cheesy-Crumpet rolled in. He was shaking and his crust was white as a sheet…
‘Sir Peter, whatever is the matter?’ Kurt Muffin-Crumpet said. ‘You’re that white you look like you’ve been mayonnaised.’
‘Y-y-you b-both need to c-come with me, right away. It’s h-horrible, just horrible,’ Sir Peter said, just as Mystic Sandra Strumpet-Crumpet rolled in, completely covered in peanut butter.
‘I see what you mean,’ said Cousin Craig.
‘Woooo, woooo! They are coming, they are coming!’ Mystic Sandra wailed, spinning on her crust.
‘I think you’ve spent too long in the peanut butter jar,’ Cousin Craig said. ‘And the crunchy one too. Your holes are full of nuts.’
‘It’s true! They are coming and they bring the rub of death! Woooo, woooo!’ Mystic Sandra went on.
‘She speaks the truth,’ Sir Peter said, composing himself. ‘I have seen them. You must all follow me to the edge of the village now!’

At the edge of the village, Dodgy Keith Caramel-Waffle and Dead-eye Kris Toffee-Waffle peaked through a newly-erected wooden fence…
‘They seem to be coming along nicely,’ giggled Dead-eye Kris.
‘Oh, yes,’ agreed Dodgy Keith. ‘That one over there looks like he’s ready to do a bit of rubbing already.’
‘Maybe we should let him out… and point him towards Muffinville,’ Dead-eye Kris said, with a toffee-holed wink.
‘Why not,’ said Dodgy Keith. ‘Why not.’

Over at Crumpeton Barracks, things had been very quiet and Wild Jeff Hard-Crumpet and Corporal Mick Crispy-Crumpet were discussing the events at the forthcoming Crumpeton Fair…
‘So, ya think ya can lick me in the old spreading contest do ya?’ Wild Jeff said, flexing his crust.
‘Aye, I reckon I can best the likes of you,’ Corporal Mick replied.
‘Well, have you ever been spread so thick with jam that your crust is that soaked it takes three goes in the toaster on full to crisp ya up?’ challenged Wild Jeff.
‘Ha! Is that all,’ Corporal Mick replied, dismissively. ‘Well, have you ever had your holes that stuffed with cream cheese that you’ve been mistaken for a scone?!’
‘Ha! I’d say it looks like we’ll have a fine contest!’ Wild Jeff said, rubbing himself against a nearby plate of piccalilli…

Back on the edge of the village, and concealed out of sight, Sir Peter Cheesy Crumpet, Cousin Craig Sticky-Pikelet and Kurt Muffin-Crumpet peered through the fence…
‘Look, there they are,’ Sir Peter said, his cheese shivering on his crust.
‘They look like crumpets,’ Kurt Muffin-Crumpet observed. ‘But their crusts are flaky and mouldy, and their rolling is all slow and disorientated.’
‘And what’s that awful smell?’ Cousin Craig said.
‘They were crumpets once,’ Sir Peter said. ‘But now they’re well past their sell-by date.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Kurt Muffin-Crumpet said. ‘If they’re well past their sell-by date then they’d be in the wheelie-bin. And they certainly wouldn’t be rolling.’
‘Unfortunately, I’ve seen this before,’ Sir Peter explained. ‘I believe they are the Undead.’
‘What?’ shouted,’ Cousin Craig. ‘You mean… Zombie-Crumpets?’
‘Yes,’ replied Sir Peter, with a grim look on his curdling crust. ‘And that smell is Stork Margarine. Once a crumpet goes past its sell-by date, the topping it had when it was fresh eventually transforms into the most hideous topping imaginable… Stork.’
‘What’ll happen if they get out?’ Kurt Muffin-Crumpet asked.
‘You run,’ said Sir Peter, with fear in his holes. ‘And whatever you do, don’t let one of them near you, for if you are rubbed by one of the Stork of the Undead you will become like them!!!’

Next time…
Countess Eirian Syrup-Crumpet, Karen Chocolate-Crumpet and Headmistress Jill-Saucy-Crumpet discover that Princess Hanna Swedish-Crumpet has a Lurpak problem, and Prince Mark Swedish-Crumpet becomes suspicious…
Lord Anthony Posh-Crumpet gives Chirpy Tony Shiny-Scone a job, but his practical jokes rub Butler Olly Fluffy-Crumpet up the wrong way…
Farmer Mark I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Butter-Crumpet gives Stephanie ‘Stiffy’ Saucy-Crumpet a secret spreading…
Major Glynn Crispy-Crumpet marshals the Crumpeton Army and seeks an alliance with the Muffins, but Sergeant Neil Sausage-Muffin is suspicious, and Private John Eggy-Muffin’s sausage stiffens in readiness…
… And Mayor Miriam Rich-Muffin and Dame Julie Sage Derby (neé Chili)-Muffin are attacked by a Zombie-Crumpet in Muffin Manor. Can Cook Linda Veggie-Muffin save the day?

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