Wish Making For Idiots

By Adam Goff All Rights Reserved ©

Humor / Fantasy

Lesson 6

Lesson 6: Non-Genie Entities

So far we have been focusing on the shenanigans of genies, but they are not the only wish-giving thing. There are quite a few others, ranging from creatures:

-Leprechaun, Unicorn, Satyr, Changelings.

To non-creatures:

-Old Relics, Stars, Birthday Candles, 11:11, Wells.

So on so forth. It is important to realize that these creatures/artifacts/ideas can be equally as tricky as genies, and so one must remember the lesson previously posted about making the wish. BUT. There are still things to be known about these wish-giving entities.

Leprechauns:
Leprechauns are small, elfish creatures that are very mischievous. They will trick thee without a second thought. But, as it is said, if you catch one, then that leprechaun will be obligated to grant thee three wishes. One can oft find them scurrying about the base of a rainbow, gallivanting over a pot o' gold. Be cautious though, for these little bloggers, er, boggarts (same difference) are notorious for reversing road signs, stopping up sewers, and stealing everyone's left shoe. (see also: Alien experiments)

Unicorns:
Unicorns are creatures resembling a horse, but are closer in the family of zebras as they cannot be tamed or ridden. I'm LOOKING at you, Racing Stripes. They are so named for a single, long horn that protrudes from the middle of their forehead. This horn possesses magical powers, and will heal those who touch it. However, the horn, if broken off, loses its magical abilities. So if one wishes to extract wishes from the unicorns horn, one must do it whilst the unicorn is sleeping, and mustn't remove it. One gets a wish from the horn only if one is pure of mind and spirit, in which case, upon licking the horn, one gets 1-5 wishes, depending on the length of the horn. (1-12 inches-1 wish, 12-24 inches-2 wishes, 24-27 inches- 3 wishes, 27-50 inches-4 wishes, 50-60 inches-5 wishes.) Be very cautious though, for you must be pure of heart to approach a unicorn without fear of impalement. The unicorns horn is very sharp, and the unicorn is alarmingly fast. Tread with care.

Satyrs:
Satyrs are creatures of Greek myth, that have the arms, torso, and head of a man, and the feet, legs, and pelvis of a goat. You can imagine their diet (HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHah). They, however, can grant wishes if cornered or in immediate danger. If they think they can bribe you with a wish, they will try. If they try, accept it. (Tip: You need to put them into immediate peril first, with either a gun to the head, or death penalty, etc. etc.) The wishes will not come back to haunt you unless you make the wish in a bad way. Which you shouldn't by now. (See also: The Story of Kind Midas)

Changelings:
Changelings are creatures of the faerie (that's right. I'm using fancy words) world, and are made by sprites and pixies. They resemble a human child, and replace the child as the changelings faerie (fancy fancy fancy) family takes the child back the their hill. If you suspect that someone that you know, or your child/brother/sister has been replaced by a changeling, capture the changeling. He will try to trick you into wandering into the faerie (fANCY) hill, but you must resist. You can ransom the changeling back to the faeries (such fancy) for 1-2 wishes, but start at like 3 so they can "haggle" you down to 2-1.

Old Relics:
There are occasionally old artifacts that have been given wish-giving abilities through magic, witch doctors, or other wishes. Each individual relic has its own special rules regarding its wish granting, from items such as the monkeys paw (a shriveled up monkey paw on a keychain) that grants three wishes to all who dare to hold it, to a unicorn horn broken off, but revived through the dipping of the horn into its former hosts blood ("But that's so SAD," I hear my mother yell from the basement as I read it out loud."Well LIFE'S sad, mother!" I say, a manly tear grazing my cheek), which grants a wish to all who lick it three times. If you find an old relic that you think may contain the wish giving abilities (not to be confused with welsh giving abilities), visit your local witch doctor to examine said relic. In fact, do this with any old relic that you get your hands on. Some may contain secret curses (such as those which fall upon anyone who wishes for a tuna sandwich [wherein I would be in big trouble]). He will be able to detect such curses as well as any special rules regarding the wish making. Expect the witch doctor to ask you a potentially difficult riddle as a price. Hint: the answer is always 42. (Note: section also applies to New Relics)

Stars:
You may think that wishing on stars is pretty straightforward, but in thinking that you would be wrong, for wishing on different types of stars will produce different types of results.

Subsection: Shooting Stars
When wishing on shooting stars, it is a common misconception that speaking the wish will prevent it from being revealed. This is simply not true. In fact, speaking the wish audibly is the only way to guarantee that the wish will come true. Especially if another human being is there to confirm the wish. (Tip: should be someone with a good memory) However, the wish will not be granted if you utter the sentence, "Look, a shooting star!" Or anything of the like. Any attempt at all to alert others of the stars existence will result in a null wish. This makes it exceedingly difficult to make a wish on a shooting star, as you must alert someone of your wish, but not of the wish-giving entity. There have been many attempts to cheat the system, one of the most common ways being uttering the wish aloud without any initial prompt from another, but through trial and error, it has been discovered that this does not work. You must make absolutely sure that the witness is in fact aware that there is a wish giving entity, but cannot be aware what that entity is.

Subsection: First Star You See On Any Given Night
When wishing on the first star visible on a night, you must first utter the following phrase word for word without faltering and without a written or spoken guide. (so basically from memory.) "Starlight, Star bright. First star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might get my wish granted tonight. For I desperately need it, 'ight? I don't need you to give fight, just need you to concede I'm right. And that will be all I cite. Except, ikclindgleburglkjight." (to satisfy any curiousity, the reason for this citation requirement is the result of a wish made long ago, after a spiteful coconut farmer was granted a wish by a genie he found inside of a particularly large coconut.) After this, there is still only a 37% chance that your wish will be granted. (Also the result of a spiteful coconut farmers wish, although a different coconut farmer entirely from the first. No relation)

Birthday Candles:
It is a common misconception that every birthday you get the same number of wishes as there are candles on your cake that you blow out. This is complicatedly not true. You see, you are granted one wish for every birthday in which you blow out every single candle on your cake in one go, but only if there is one candle for every year you've lived on the cake. You can use your wish then, or you can wait until the next year, where you will be granted another wish. You at this point have two wishes. You can continue collecting wishes, but you may only use these wishes on your birthday, whenever that may be. But this creates a paradox, as a middle-aged vet in 18th century Europe wished that people must make their birthday wish before blowing out the candles on their cake, as opposed to after. She obviously had not read any version of a wish makers guide, for instead of replacing the current rules with her rules, she implemented both at the same time. So now you must make your wish both before and after blowing out your candles, but not either. This makes the birthday wish moot, unless someone somewhere someday figures out how to do the wish while still complying with the rules. (if this happens to be you, which is unlikely [see title], please contact me for future editing of this book.)

11:11:
This wish giving moment has been such since the beginning of time, although it is almost wholly impossible to make a wish thusly, for the wish must be made at exactly 11:11:00, without carrying into even 11:11:01.

Wishing Wells:
This is nothing more than a myth.
(Unless you are a cat, in which case the well will always grant you wishes when you use your paws to throw in a coin. Although it is highly unlikely that a cat will have the intelligence to do this, and furthermore to make a wish, especially a good (efficient) one.)

And thus is the course of nature.


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