Wish Making For Idiots

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Lesson 7

Chapter 7: Wish making; a History

You may have noticed that I did not mention some classic favorite wish givers from the fantasy genre... because their points are moot and goooooooone. From Dragons to Sphinxes. From Hermits to Fish. These are some of the ever so delightful creatures and stuff that did not make the creature or stuff sections because they in themselves are pointless now... I wouldn't even mention them if not for the inherent ability of the wish to bring back their meaning in life. So, in case some idiot (I'm LOOKING AT YOU) does give these things their wish-giving abilities back (which is stupid and they shouldn't do that because they're dead for a reason), be prepared.

These furry little guys are just the cutest fuzzy wuzzy things you have ever seen in your lif- huh? Oh, Dragons! I thought you said chinchillas.They sound similar. Welp, Dragons work pretty trickily, like, even more trickily than genies. The only freakin' reason they give out wishes is to trap you. How the story generally goes is that you find a cave (blah blah blah), you find the treasure (blah blah blah), the dragon finds you (blah blah bluh), and He smiles mischievously as he gives you an option: a wish, or death. And generally he'll make your wish killll you. The best possible thing you can do in this situation is to use the previously mentioned wish tactics to make dah good ones [wishes]. (Reason for Mootness: Once upon a time, a young columnist filled with hopes and aspirations stumbled upon a dragons hoard in his apartments basement. The dragon gave him the option, and the man/child wished that "dragons be dead." The dragon and all others promptly fell into numerous piles of dust. He did this because the only freakin' reason they give out wishes is to trap you, although he wasn't aware of this subconscious reasoning)

The Sphinx is a big 'ol statue thing in Egypt. It was never real. Buuuuuuuuuuuuut... it could be if someone wished it into existence. So, upon approaching the Sphinx, it will ask you a riddle. It will ask you what you want if you get it correct, (just look up the riddle on Google, or open a public enquiry on the internet to find the answer. You've got alllll day to figure it out...) it will ask you what you want. Most people waste this awesome opportunity on silly things like being able to proceed on with their quest. But you can ask for anything! So just *cough* use the earlier tactics. (Reason for Mootness: It was never real.)

Hermits are people who live far away in mountainous regions *cou- or elsewhere -phs*. They tend to get magical powers from ... meditating? Eating innocent bananas? I don't really know. They keep this a well kept secret that is kept secretly well. They are very secretive. Anyway, if you do a bunch of random tasks for them they'll grant you one wish, but over the course of completing these random tasks you tend to change your mind and stuff... and you never really make good or fun wishes. So always keep a good jokebook with you upon being tasked to keep your spirits up and your sense of humor strong. This way your wish will always be fun! Subsection; Asian: This is kinda stereotypical, but Asian hermits tend to be WAY MEANER BUT AT THE SAME TIME WISER than other kindsa hermits. Be wary of them... (-.-) (Reason for Mootness: Since the modern age arose, most hermits are *cough* nonexistent *cough*. But they may still exist somewhere in a writer's basement [I'm LOOKING at you, mom.] so be wary... (o.o))

And so, we come to fish. The story that turned these stupid little suckers into wish giving mad-givers happens to be one of my favorite. As the story goes, a boy was fishing in a canoe. He felt a tug on his line, and pulled up a beautiful silver fish. He removed the fish from the line, and the fish began to speak. He spoke and spoke and spoke to the boy, for hours upon hours. The boy needed to get home before sunfall, so he said so. "Fish, I need to get home by sunfall. So... I'm gonna just take you home to feed my starving family with." The fish faced him so that both of its eyes were facing in different directions, and said "Wait! If you let me go, I will grant you one wish. Anything that your heart desires will be yours!" The boy needed no time to think, for immediately he said, "I wish that no one ever has to go hungry again, not my family, not my neighbors, and not my neighbors neighbors!" (We have already established that this was a very bad wish) The fish blinked and said, "It is done." The boy shrilled in delight, and threw the fish back into the ocean. "Suckeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrr!" The fish said as it swam gleefully and snarkily away. And then, that night, the boys family died of starvation, for the fish had actually made the boy's parents, his neighbors, and his neighbors neighbors starve that night. The End! (Reason for Mootness: The fishes are freakin' #$&~#%s! And so, they were all caught and eaten. The End :))


With dandelions, the story goes that you blow on it and if all of the little spindly things on it are blown away by the time you finish blowing, you get a wish. This is not true, but rather it is a myth created by dandelions to trick people into spreading their seeds. Apple trees get you to eat their apples and throw away/poop out their seeds, oak trees just drop their acorns and get squirrels and chipmunks to eat them, and dandelions LIE TO US AND GIVE US FALSE WISH PROMISES. DEATH TO ALL DANDELIONS. WE WILL NOT BE TRICKED SO EASILY! VIVA LA REVOLUTION!
(Reason for Mootness: DEATH TO ALL DANDELIONS!)

So in every mammalian creature, there is a collar bone. After someone kills the creature, drains it of blood, and eats all of its meat and innards, they can remove the collar bone from the poor creature's body ("But that's so SAD," I hear my mother yell. "SHUT UP, MA! I'M WORKING." I whisper), and two people crack it in half. Whomever gets the largest half gets a wish, and whomever gets the shorter half gets married first. This theory originates from old cavemen drawings, where two men would fight for the collarbone, because back then they would eat even the bones of an animal in a barbaric ritual known only as the "hokey-pokey". In fact, they would especially the bones. They were considered a delicacy, proving even further the theory that delicacy is just another way of saying "something disgusting that is technically edible." Whomever got the shorter end of the collarbone would eat it, and the females would feel pity for him, for he did not get as much bone as the other. So he would marry first. The one whom got the larger end would eat it, preventing lifelong starvation, and in victory would say "Ughaf Uffgg Uhh Aaoiea OUAIUOAIY!" Which loosely translates into "I like to get bananas wishes Pighorns Latin gods!" The most anyone's ever gotten from that is "wishes."
(Reason for Mootness: DEATH TO ALL DANDELIO—I mean, mistranslation.)

If an eyelash falls off of your face and a friend catches it, you can ask for it back and put it on your wrist and blow on it and make a wish.
(Reason for Mootness: *laughing* w-what?! Just, no. No.)

Unfortunately the Make-A-Wish foundation is not able to grant wishes like it used to, (i.e. curing cancer, bringing the dead back to life…) not with the limited funding it is suffering. If you would like to help, please donat- …[insert more inspirational letters and spaces here]
(Reason for Mootness: Lack of funding.)

Now, for clarification, this is by no means a complete list. It is only as large a list as I feel like making. Because I know this stuff, and I choose what you get to know. Your knowledge hinges on my whim. Remember that. Always remember.

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