Chapter 8: What NOT To Do
Now that you know what one should do with their wishes, it’s important to know what not to do with your own wishes. Or, more accurately, what other idiots have already done with their wishes, that you may have been tempted to imitate until your eyes were trapped in the net of my advice. It could be possible to explain to you, for example, the Top 10 Best Wishes Ever Made, but a few things: 1) That’s no fun. 2) How would we know they were made if they were the best? And, 3) It’d be more helpful to do the opposite… So, presenting…
The Top 10 Worst Wishes of all time!
1) Finn Hopper’s fateful error:
Finn Hopper was a young sheetmetal worker from Canada. When he moved to the United States, however, his fortunes would change for the better when he’d discover a lamp within his father’s suitcase. Upon rubbing it, for no apparent reason than silly superstition, this idiot unleashed a Genie upon himself, and when inquired about his wishes, answered earnestly yet naively: “Sir, are you an apparition or a hallucination?” Foolishly, to ensure the Genie would not infuse trickery into his response, Finn added, “I wish for you to be completely truthful from here on in.” The Genie answered truthfully, “I am no hallucination, mortal, for I am an all-powerful, treacherous Genie, with intents to free myself at your expense.” Finn was aghast, and in his pit of disappointment, muttered, “Well, I wish you had said you’d been a hallucination.” Upon his wish, the Genie vanished, for as of that point the Genie had indeed said he’d been a hallucination, and being truthful, ceased to exist as more than stomach acid fumes.
2) The Big Red Wooden Ball: Wishes are most dangerous when in the hands of the young. Young Billy Chadney was frolicking (for lack of a better word) through the field behind his parents’ mansion one mid-day, and he caught upon his foot a root, which caused him to tumble down the hill and onto something rather sharp and pointy. Upon his further examination, the object proved to be a swiss cheese slice of glass, and an old one at that. Perhaps, the boy couldn’t have perceived, it was an old… relic. And alas, it was. The boy in his greedy childish foolishness muttered selfishly, “I wish I’d found a ball, instead.” Later that day his parents would find him decorated with a 15-ton, red wooden ball, and without any idea that their son was underneath, began selling tickets to unwitting tourists.
3) A Cat’s Day:
Jazz was a black American shorthair cat, missing an eye and with bad hips in his old age. One day while lapping at a bucket balancing on the edge of a stone well, he fell inside, and yowled as he fell, “MeeeoorrrrraAAAAWWLLL!!!!” Simultaneously, a coin fell into the well, hitting the cat’s paws and then the bottom of the well, before the cat could land, and so the cat’s elongated meow of a wish was granted, and the well ceased to exist. Unfortunately, the cat was trapped 10 feet underground, drowned by dirt, having been halfway through his descent. (This was a sad one, given to me by a constantly weeping couple, although it’s possible I interrupted them whilst they were watching ‘Les Miserables.’)
4) Don’t Tread on a Satyr:
King Midas had a brother, Duke Willdas, who was less greedy than his brother and more pure of heart. However, this didn’t make him any less of an idiot. Once his brother had been turned irreversibly to gold, Willdas was promoted to ruler of the land, having anything he could’ve dreamed of. He was walking his garden one day, enjoying the occasional honeysuckle, and stepped on something soft and plush. He was alarmed, and thinking it to be horse scat, rubbed his heel against it repeatedly, exclaiming in disgust as he attempted to clean off his spiked, steel-toed boots. Unfortunately for him, it was not horse scat, but a satyr’s face, and after a moment of this, after the Duke stopped, the satyr stumbled to his feet, infuriated. Unable to run, cornered, the satyr stuttered in a reluctant voice, “A-alright, if-f you s-stop now, I-I’ll grant you one w-wish, whatever you want, a-and it will be yours.” Thinking on it for only a moment, Willdas’ good heart got the best of him, he said commandingly and clearly, “I wish for my brother to be living, no longer made of gold.” The satyr, not mischievous in nature, granted the wish in a straightforward way. However, once Willdas’ brother was once again alive, Willdas lost his power and everything good in his life, leaving him homeless, jobless, and loveless.
5) Beware the Eyes of March
In the times of Julius Caesar, many of the general public, including the Senate, weren’t intelligent enough to make good wishes, so there are many stories of their downfalls. However, I don’t want this whole list to be filled with words like du. One Senate member named Figfargfassus, shortly after Julius’ death, discovered a lamp while destroying Greek culture. He rubbed it (with his sword (that is to say he attempted to destroy it (but it was indestructible))), and released the Genie inside. He recalled someone mentioning something about ‘bewaring the eyes of march,’ or something like that. So he wished, in order to avoid whatever would happen with this, “I wish that the eyes of march would ceased to be.” That day, every March on earth lost their sight, much to the depression of their parents. This is why most people named March today are sightless, and if they aren’t, it is the result of another wish.
(Some readers may notice that some of the items on this list are worse than others, yet they don’t appear to be in that order. Those readers would be right, although I would argue that destroying the genie granting your wishes is much worse than death. Besides, there is an order to these tales: they’re in order from which ones I’d discovered least recently to the ones I’d discovered most recently.)
6) The Twins:
Jack Rickbey was a lonely twenty-ish year old pilot, although his profession had little to do with his wishing life, to whom the secrets of Marshmellows was revealed. He would make wishes almost daily, and assumedly by pure coincidence and luck, avoided anything catastrophic happening in his life. He’d wished for flight (becoming a pilot), for a viewing experience for every major motion picture to be released in theatres, and every day he enjoyed an odd-tasting tuna-fish sandwich. One day while flying, his co-pilot went down with a heart attack. The plane was experiencing some “issues” and wouldn’t come out of its room, so Rickbey had no choice but to use another wish. He pulled a marshmellow from his pocket, and [data expunged]. Exhausted, he muttered his wish, fulfilling the needs of the present situation as well as one of his childhood dreams: He wished for a twin. Instantly the doppelganger appeared in the seat beside him and took over the controls, landing the plane safely. The media and public adored this Rickbey brother, named Jake, while Jack was left to scrounge at the scraps of his new brother’s success. Their parents came to love Jake more, unashamedly proclaiming him the favorite and bestowing all their earthly possessions upon him. Jake got the girl of his dreams, while Jack never married. How was Jack richer than Jake? Well, besides all of his marshmellows, he did indeed meet the dog of his dreams, who is still Jack’s best friend to this day. Jake could never say he found the honor of a love from animals.
7) Bavarian Cream Pie
Cross-fit Conner McKee was a legend amongst his people, the people of Shipshewana, Indiana. He left the Amish-ridden land to seek adventure in Western Europe. (I’m not too afraid of offending the Amish-- unless this book gets published physically. Besides, I am a chronicler! I write how it is, without embellishments or bias!) Western Europe is quite possibly the most amazing place on Earth, and I’m pretty sure there’re dragons. Cross-fit Conner McKee went into a bakery in hopes to ease his aching stomach, and ordered one Bavarian Cream Pie. Upon eating it, he knew he would remember that moment as a defining one, as it was the most amazing Bavarian Cream Pie he had ever had. Upon leaving the bakery, he wandered into an antique shop and found an old lamp, and remembering the legends behind lamps, he rubbed it and unleashed an all-powerful genie. “Oh, great genie!” He rambled, “Bestow upon me your kindness, and I will free you!” Genies, skeptical and rarely presented with opportunities like this, answered him. “If you say so… How about this? I’ll allow you to relive your greatest joy in life, your happiest memory, and in return, I’ll be free.” Cross-fit Conner McKee didn’t see anything wrong with this deal, and eagerly accepted. He closed his eyes, and when he opened them, he was back in the bakery, eating his Bavarian Cream Pie. He finished and wandered into an old antique shop, and relived the whole experience again, leading to reliving it again and again and again. Stuck in this time-loop, Cross-fit Conner McKee’s life ended in that bakery, at an old age of 68, in bad health after all those Bavarian Cream Pies, and the genie lived on, free.
This tale doesn’t take too long. Drew Smith lived an average life in school, until Senior year. He became an outcast upon his friends’ revelation that he was not affected by being a senior, while they all were affected by senioritis. One night while lying in bed, he heaved a sigh, and quickly muttered, “Wish I’d senioritis.” Having a rare disorder in which all of his words came out sounding 3x sped up, his wish was completed at exactly 11:11:00, without carrying over even into 11:11:01. The next day he was diagnosed with a rare disease dubbed “senioritis,” and as he looked into the eyes of his loving friends and concerned family, his last words were, “Worth it.” No one understood him, the senioritis aggravating his condition.
9) The Case of Soft Drink
Young Bobby McKilliginigus was a huge fan of fountain drinks at fast food restaurants, and would mix each drink to create a concoction called “suicide.” One day, he held tightly onto his smart phone, yet somehow still dropped it, ruining it forever. Upon receiving his new phone, it wasn’t long before he discovered it to be a New Relic (more to come). When asked by a pop-up what he’d most desire in the world at that moment, he typed in, ’one suicid----------------- (woah shoot man I’d forgotten how dark this one was. I’m not going to finish this one. Instead, I’ll um…. I’ll just um…. Make up a story? Yeah, sure).
9.1) The um… Television… Show… Yeah:
So yeah, um… There was a television show… and a guy watched it… um… John Doe. Yeah. And um, a genie was on a reality show, hehe, and John watched it, but he was the only one watching it, so when the genie offered a wish to everyone watching, he, hehe, wished to um… be on the show. But the show was like a um… death… show. So he died. (It’s hard to just make up something like that! I’ll stick to my solid research from now on. Know this, dear readers: there will be no more fiction in this book!)
10) And Then, Leprechauns:
Glenda Gelatoni was visiting Ireland one day, and while swinging on a swingset (for is there any other way to swing?), and she noticed a 4-leaf clover sticking up from the mud in a small patch of other clovers. She knew, being a botanist, that 4-leaf clovers only grow when a leprechaun had trodden there. She noticed a trail of 4-leaf clovers and decided to follow it o’er the green moors and hills. Upon reaching the end of the trail, she was shocked to find an entire patch of 4-leaf clovers, which led her to one conclusion: There was a serious leprechaun party here recently. She heard snickering near her and saw there a group of evidently drunken leprechauns. She lunged at them, knowing that if she succeeded in catching one, they’d be forced to grant her a wish. She was unable to catch the drunkards, for they were too squirrelly, but she managed to capture a nerd leprechaun who wasn’t invited to the party but hung out with the cool leprechauns afterward to look popular. He foolishly informed her that he could give her three wishes, for he could have granted one and she’d let him go, although he hadn’t known that. She thought for only a moment before announcing her wishes: To be two more inches tall, and to have claws for hands. Unfortunately, she couldn’t announce her last wish, for without proper hands she’d dropped the leprechaun who scurried away, yelling, “Wait up, you guys!” She was left a little taller, a little wiser, and a freak, who achieved relative fame in the circus industry. There have been many theories on why she made the wish that she did, the most prominent theory being that although she was a botanist, she had always wanted to be carcinologist.
Any relations to persons living or dead are completely coincidental and aren’t intended to be mockery or satire. Oops, I forgot emphasis. Without it, sarcasm can’t come across. Any relations to persons living or dead are completely coincidental and aren’t intended to be mockery or satire.