chapter fourteen: thursday
chapter fourteen: thursday
It had been two weeks and a day. Three Hundred and Sixty hours.
I wanted to see her so badly. I wanted to hold her in my arms and tell her everything was going to be okay, that I would protect her and never let anything harm her. But I promised her that I would give her the time she needed. I wish I had not left her house. It hurt me to know that she was hurting, and that I had caused it. I made her world turn upside down, and told her that her father who had been convicted of murdering her mother was innocent. That he had never even laid a hand on her violently and there was no switch that flipped and then turned him into a monster.
These past weeks had been the worst of my life so far, I had gotten so used to Lucy’s sunny presence in my life that I couldn’t leave her ever. The week I spent in her house when she needed her space, I could barely stay away. I didn’t want to stay away, but I couldn’t ignore what she wanted. If I want to be with her or even have a close chance of being with her in the future, I have to show her that I can and do respect what she wants. Even if what she wants is the one thing that is the hardest for me to do.
It took all my strength not to run into her room and pull her into my arms that week. Seeing her hurt hurt me. I couldn’t bear the look in her eyes when she told me that she needed space, and that she didn’t want to see me. I had hurt her beyond repair, her eyes went dull and she became closed off. Being the one that had hurt her was the most unfathomable occurrence.
I couldn’t stay in the same space as her without being near her. Just knowing that she was close y and that I could not be with her was driving me insane. So I left. I should not have, but I did because I am a coward and I can’t face my fuckups.
My dog came up to me and rubbed his wet nose on my leg, interrupting my train of thought. I was gone for such a long time, I’m grateful that my neighbor knew that if he didn’t see me for two days that I would appreciate it if he took care of Max, and he did. Max is not an easy dog to take care of, as a Doberman who was in military service, he can have small bouts of PTSD so you just have to be very gentle with him. Having Max helped me not pay attention to the fact that I missed Lucy so fucking much.
I miss her smile.
I miss the way she would make my whole day just by walking into the house after work.
I missed all of her.
“Let’s go for a walk, bud,” I said as Max sat down in front of me and whined, putting his paw in my lap. I put his leash on and opened my front door.
The door swung open right as I was going to knock. He stood dumbfounded, and his dog cautiously sniffed me, as if to see whether I were carrying drugs or any other illegal substance. As soon as the dog gave himself the ‘all clear’ he snuggled into my palm. Kit soon unfroze and threw himself on me, his hug engulfing me. I let myself relax and wrapped my arms around him, knowing that he had missed me as much or even more than I had missed him.
“I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you, please don’t leave me again,” I felt his tears on my hair. I missed him so much, and he was the only person I would ever want to go through this with. I pulled away, reaching up to his face and cupping it in both of my hands, using my thumbs to wipe away his tears as my own eyes began to sting.
“I will never leave you.”