Is it over this hell is it done with my love does it make us great or grand to know what we have done and undone? Is the rivers ran away and dried into tarts and endless spite? Where my love does it end when the worst has happened to us all? We as the lovers cried out that made us mad. Is it the sheer bliss of nothing being not doing cons and fools made us what we are. Now we are the worse of what we can be. Love is over rated word with the tarts winning.
How strange it is to know nothing at all? I am sorry but that is what it was. I knew absolutely nothing. The thing was that the round world did exist but round the house with everyone pretending I knew nothing.
What is it love what is it this house? Bliss this house? Nothing doing there is no sunshine in this room let alone the house it is not a home. It is nothing to me it is nothing but a empty shell. I was shell shocked because the house was a shell of a shell and there was nothing to stop it from crumbling down.
When we thought we could not look after daddy we went looking for a someone else to do our jobs. The thing was mother had had enough I had too much of it too. The whole story was sad and there was nothing in us left to support dad as he sat in his chair and did nothing but urinate. The glare in his gaze and the unfazed look of disdain as he spat out the worst things in life was marriage to her and not feeling anything for anyone at all. You see when one is sat in the corner doing such stuff sympathy goes out of the window. The whole thing was a disaster the whole thing sent me insane with the joylessness of it all. The world was alive and tingling and I was partly dead with these older people. I had nothing to do all day but to coax clean and cook and this was a thing which I had to do in order to benefit from life's luxuries.
My other dad had made it obvious he wanted me to become a mental patient so he had placed me with the relations who were the maddest in order to live as them.
I am not surprised at you someone had been saying that you are a mentally impaired woman. I am not surprised neither but that is because I have benefited from training to be mentally deranged.
"Borderline personality disorder or something?" dad asked hopefully. He went all the way no stops out.
"No schizophrenia is good?" I suggested.
"Yes but that is what he has?" said dad somehow cross he knew all about schizophrenia. It would be dull and it was somehow more dangerous and as I had a way with knives and scissors it made him uneasy.
But he shrugged he could place me in hospital if it got out of hand.
"I'm having what he is having." I said.
The beasts in me had been elevated to pay the bills there was nothing in it I said to myself nervously.
The thinking was he was a good provider and he wanted me to be provided for. He could not get his wallet out for money having an illness would deter suitors and make me money and I would also work for nothing. I smiled agreeably at him and he said nothing.
The other dad had become senile he had given up on having the trials of dad and he had began to fret that he was in danger because I let out his illness and he did not feel safe anymore. But dad they all knew your illness I don't know what the fuss is about. But he said don't you see? No most definitely I did not. He was brooding and nagged and was ill with bad humour and he spent the time dropping things and asking me to clean it up. Clean it up there is a good girl clean it up. What clean what up dad? I had cleaned the entire shop and he still asked me to clean it up.
We were all of us in some sorry state when someone loses someone it is okay. But daddy had been dragging his footsteps to some sort of grave for many years. He did not have a will to live in some strangers house he said so. His home was not inside this shell and he did not want to be here inconveniencing anybody. I did not want to ask him why he thought that I did not know the full story because dad was a secretive man who had behaved in some fashion which all of his family thought not amusing and something they could blackmail him with. It is a must to seek the truth about dad but there was no time I cleaned the sheets and did some work and then tried to switch off only for him to ask for a cuppa and I made that. Then his tablets ran out and I was in a stew I could not go out and leave him as mother had gone shopping.
So here I was with a man with dementia and his pills ran out and he had no medicine to calm him. I did not know how to run the show so I sat him in some corner where he could not fall and then said nothing. He looked very strangely at me. No arguing with me? I did nothing shook my head and left the room.
"Well make me another cup of tea."
"I am …"
"Yes I am just doing it."
Brought him the tea and then he drunk and then asked for another cup. I must have made him ten cups before he asked for some more. Not to be drawn in then the pharmacist came and he had his medication where I let rip.
I told him he was a user and did not mind how he worked people and he just sat down and fell asleep.
There is in every relationship when things fall apart but here was this dad of mine having to die and nothing will stop him. He had made up his mind and he did not want to stay he just sat it out until we gave in.
Affectations of being is that when someone dies it is a time for grieving but not dad. When he died we all rejoiced. I mean we did not actually sing and dance but we were so relieved that we had not killed him that we just sighed a sigh of relief.
I said to mother when we were not looking after dad that we must look for someone else to care for dad because he might live another ten twenty years and it was hard work. Mother looked very gloom because of the money care homes cost a lot what will you be doing?
"I'm going to a University."
"Why?" asked mother very put out."The thing was mummy did not see me as a human being let alone as someone with her own life. I had given up so much to be a daughter that now there was nothing left of me. I want it back I thought I want myself back.
We were looking for a care home for daddy. He had been in hospital for some months and there was nobody to look after him as mother too was unwell. Mother had looked after him when he had cancer and then when the cancer returned again he went senile and she did not enjoy looking after him.
They had begun something so self destructive that it hurt to see. When he was a gaga male whom had behaved violently towards her because she loved someone else. That now the positions were reversed. She had began to hurt him. That she hated his open grin and the foolish look on his face was a fact. He had began to drink his own urine and she said told him not to but he would. That she was cross and violently shaken when she found the cup with his urine and he said he had been thirsty and had to. She took him by the neck and shook him she was that angry. He just folded in her arms still unafraid. I saw what this was doing to them so had to relieve her and him from their own bestial behaviour. We both felt he had behaved wrong but that he was still the father and the head of our house and we could never throw him out and that meant we had to see who could take care of him. She asked to be left alone with her grief she said and I feared she would kill or kick the bucket herself. She wanted him out but it was his house as well as hers.
The thing was there is something called malicious intent to wound a person and there is something called something gone wrong and there is something called hypersensitivity to work and mother was nothing more than workshy who used her ailments to get out of working and then had to work extra because her ailments were pyschosomatic and she had to be believed all the time that she unwell and never going to get better in order to make a miraculous recovery.
But she made many miraculous recoveries plus losing her leg when the doctors had no reason to suspect she would. She just said she would and did if nobody believed in her ailments. We did not know did not suspect then what had happened and the long lost years of my youth was spent in trying to make it up to her what she had lost her leg and her leg was the most important imprisonment of mine.