I grovelling at the bait say nothing the thing was he has come with the drinks and they look like a couple in love. I dangle nothing in front and I go to bed. I am resigned and then have bad dreams.
I hear the boy in the cupboard crying and vomiting and then I am not involved anymore. I have slipped into this other states. I make a matter without much matter I am in trouble I am in trouble.
I have gamed away my life I think. Then the morning is broken and comes in clear and bright and I go out for a walk.
I am having this odd affair with myself.
I am myself more than ever and poems come to mind and there are all sorts of sorry things inside me creeping out.
“Why is it impossible? This love of mine? ”
Poems and poetry and all that in this world?
When people can think and write and work they must do something and not be like that boy.
“I am a nurse he had said.”
“He is a private nerd.”
I was called to eat the ghoulish or something and ate and then went and went to work.
“You don’t have the thing in there which is what I want.”
“What thing I am a virgin.”
“Not that thing.” he said drunkenly.
The thing was there was now nothing on offer but suffering and doing one’s duty for the good of the young. The young now more important than anybody on earth because we ate delicious delights and now grown odd and ungainly and now this thing comes out do we swap places and confuse the issue or say nothing and pretend did not notice him and her dangling there in plenty. I leave them to party.
I take notes in my mind so that when I do come to be someone’s precious someone whom I can turn to there is no mistakes in my description in my literary endeavour and there is not much I did say. For there was nothing to speak and nobody would have heard me anyway.
He had become someone else.
I built myself my own cages and settled onto the speck and span and the spanner in the works settled into some spanner work worthy of my hire.
My head pieces intact they did not waste me or try to they came looking for the pot of gold and the land which I held no interest in until wondered why they had taken such a particular interest in a scullery maid.