Dad uncle looked like me before he died and he died in a strange manner. He died without his soul and he did not know who and what he had been.
"We are going to kill your family then we are going to rape you then when all that is finished we will reap the benefits."
"I did not know you felt like that."
I was not speaking to that woman as she was gloating at me as if her toothless mouth which had seen dark days looked on as the world caved in. But what did it matter to me now? Their trade offs was here to stay because like for like sale. I was the cast off whom had been the beneficiary of the system,#
"You flaunted our rules and laws so must be dismissed punished and told to lay an egg."
"My people are not my people?"
"That is right."
"Well what you doing here still dad?"
"I am here because I am going to punish you."
I thought that is wrong that is not right.
The pretend dad died and he died of something less than he died because his time was up because he had done his worse. I am here and I am there and there is now nothing for me. I love the world. The whole wide world and the trees and the sand on the beach and the whole seascape but what is there now?
A merry go dance with the devil of a chance and then what does it matter when the devil speaks through the woods and the skies and the elephants tooth? She did not pretend anymore as dad the pretend died she did not speak anything but romance and sexual innuedo and when that did not mean anything she said it out loud her husband whom had the effrontery to be her husband was a liar and now she was paying him back. The lies and the deceits which they had to go through because they not my parents they were people who were lost and came to be found. They were not even decent they were former prostitutes and had led lives without the thoughts or the work ethics which matter to the honest people.
"We did not mean to harm anyone."
"We never did it better than when we acted we are good actors in a scene made by the will and want."
"We are now needy we need to be looked after because we did our parts we acted well we did our part."
"You gave us hell confusion and lusts which we could have done without."
"But we did well?"
"Yes we did well mother and dad the pretend family was nearing its end."
He died so frightful and frightened it made us all seek the truth about the facts why did he die so scared? Was he murdered nobody sought his death certificate was signed straight away he was senile they said that is why his teeth was chattering that is when he died from not knowing where he had been that is when he died being in a total mess because he wet his pants.
When a man loses total dignity as if he has slipped away outside of the normal when a man dies like that what did it make mother his wife who stood calmly and said nothing? Why did I speak nothing? I thought about doing something anything but could not stop the flow. I did not stoop so low as to condone such behaviour but there was nothing I could have done because he had died. His whole personality had become this gagged out male who swore he was not gay. He looked as if he was knitting when he sat down in his bed and he sat like a female. He did not interest any females he was past caring what he looked like we said see you dad and he did not even smile he asked for coffee most of the time. He just disliked the ones that woman brought but he did not condemn her because he had done the same thing not putting enough coffee into cups and spitting as he went along.
He did not care for all that but he drunk the coffee anyway. The woman was not his wife she just came and went and he sort of left. He did not misunderstand anymore he understood perfectly.
Nurses said it might be brain damage or even dementia and he said he had no food anymore he could not drink and he looked like a skeleton of his former self. A man a bully who had bullied us terrorised us and made our lives hell with his violence and self- hate now lay on his hospital bed saying something nobody could understand. His dislike of me seeming to be something like a joke he said something about two kids and they were sitting on the edge of the bed. He said seeming to come to terms with these ghosts which probably he had harmed. He said as he had done in this world, he was ready to make his mistakes into the next life and he did blaspheme.
Mother was beside him sitting for an hour then she came home and this went on for a matter of five months four days and then he had to come home the hospital bed was needed. His death wish was he said he would not come home. He did not love his wife anymore there was nothing for him to come home to. No love or anything nothing he could not remember the time anybody loved him. He did not know the time when we had the love and the warmth somehow, he felt he had no wife nothing made sense to him. His whole life was one of strife with himself he always said he did not belong with us with the family now he made sure that he was detached seeking the looks the love and the respect which he always said was his due.
“Hi dad would you like something?” I would say.
“Coffee and then go away.” I would answer my own question. Then would give him to drink his coffee and then would say, “I have to go back study.”
“So soon stay a bit longer?”
“Have no time dad.”
“Well time does not stand still.” He knew I thought he knew he had little time?
I had to leave his very presence was irksome I had to join the class the life the force as this is stagnation and death itself.
“How about another coffee?”
“Nurse said no.”
“Nurse good woman that.”
Allows him to smoke I thought.
“I leave him with that look and then when I go away from the hospital there is a catch in my throat dad has been in my life for over forty years without him life would never be the same.
Life is never the same life is the same the patterns the same things happening again and again.
“Where is daddy the real daddy?”
“He is looking after daddy the unhealthy he is making him better.”
They are glaring at each other as dad drops the pillows onto the ground and then wee.
“He did recognise him then?”
“I think so but that being said he said nothing.”
“He did not want the injections increased.”
“Dad was there looking at uncle daddy”
“Yes, daddy the literary man was up in arms about the uncle daddy’s granddaughter. They wanted a match.”
Dad lit a match and told him to go and get a bed pan.
“Sadi Sadi get me someone to maul and it is not going to be you.” Hissed daddy the intelligent.
He picked Sadi violently he was absolutely smug dad as the other one the nurse was struggling. It is something wrong I thought but was too busy to interfere.
They had to get someone they said as this man was stronger than the normal nursing staff. His manners were as good as it was.
The other guy was a bit stronger than this one he had to lift dad a lot and he did. That he said was breaking his back. He just could not handle him and wept for the fear of being in there. No, he just had to kick his hide.
Humans in hospitals what do they get up to?
Place anyone anybody into a large space and they can do anything as long as there is nod and wink and the odd kick.
The engaging thing is now they are so involved with this odd story is it not? That a man who was a bastard could have alerted me to what goes inside the hospitals. I was more interested in the dynamics until I was sectioned too.