Today we are agreeably intent on making you lose your freedom and hands and the feet, how are they? Nothing to do with being odd is it not? Money does not mean or matter to you so we have bagged it. Right there is no meaning in us except money and we can and can do with it right. Have a party and another one then we can bag it. Chickens here and there nags at me. You are a useless woman a writer of no account. No, I do not have an account with anyone.
I meant to take back something from the time I had spent in this harrowing life and the only recompense I got was not much all that time searching and making the ideas right. What did it end in nothing?
Going to the library sparing the time making asking questions and getting the language right and what does happen? I have been done and the bank manager always asking what did happen to all the quests what does it matter when it did not bag me nothing?
What does it matter when they the parents took from me all that matters except my body? Incest did not happen but does it make them the legal robbers? We can eat better than you can we have less teeth and more experience and we may eat the finer things.
Big bad wolf is the answer to our question and we then have the psychologist asking what did matter why is my failure affecting my recovery? Why is being in this sorry state making me depressed why is everyone else going on holiday and me doing the work in the garden not making me happy? Myself there is nothing the matter with work I do not mind the whole damn thing but when the ladyship will come in state and have the sit down and then matters, she matters because the dear psychologist is concerned about her more than she is about me. Where is your mother and how is she doing? Away on holiday playing ladyship she must be in torments she must have been murdered thinks the thoughtful psychologist call the ambulance call the police seems to be seeking my face for proof that the deed had been done. I am done for why because she is such a good idea maker. The thing is we have got on each other’s nerves but the good psychologist does not admit this I am sorry to ask this of the CPN but the raw deal must end. I am not going to be abused by the system I must have another cause of treatment.
This is the treatment which never ends and it might end with me dying with the meddling with the constantly being bed pillowed and the polarisation of who and what I am. This is not what we care to see this is not the right sort of writer and she does not please society no normal manners and not socially agreeable.
I am seeing that the ideal society runs on women and men being agreeable and gay. It is the right thing to be. Naked and without inhibitions and all that sort of thing.
Look this is when money is stretched in the NHS and what happens
“We must not have a murder committed on our doorstep.”
“Put a stop to the whole thing?”
“Yes, and you should have left home at seventeen and wandered off. No one lives at home forever and now most definitely there is nothing left for us but to lose you.”
I blinked because I left home very early have lived within my limitations and wits since primary school and now, he is saying I live at home was it a disaster or what? Now he thinks he has worked for me and I have spent my life trying to avoid this. This was a disaster.
“I am the main cook in the café which I happened to have been running your aunt can’t cook.”
“Of course, daddy sit down and have a cup of something to drink.”
“I am not mad.” He said so.
“How could he have been the main cook when the main cook had been female?”
“He made the curry.”
“Delicious was not it?” said daddy.
“I had nothing.”
“What you had God gave you.”
“I am not the gravy train.”
“We could have traded?”
It makes me think that the society and people in authority say that they are to use some young person for their delicious means in order to make that youngster the spoils of war.
“I have fought this war so long I do not even blink they said something strange.
“Authorities said that?”
“Someone who had no right to say that no right to put the sign up someone who was used to coming in and out of the hospital which father had been in. Someone acting in character someone who did it anyway someone who took us for granted and made us mad.”
“One must sweep everything under the carpet.”
“No, it could not have been daddy because he only plays fat black man not thin and like that.”
I had my suspicions but there was nothing in that ward that said he there.