Daddy was insane he had not been a doctor daddy is insane I thought helplessly as I lay in the bedroom counting the beams and asking why the beams were twelve sometimes and thirteen at other times? Nan said because of the bed and I thought what was in the bed she said sometimes you get lost in the bed and other times you are almost there in there. I saw she had been crying but did not matter at all she was always crying. I hugged this to myself. She cried because she cared. I thoughtfully had no appetite but had eaten a whole orange grove. I did not eat anything else. That we behave and live in this world for a reason and what was my excuse to live was that grandma would be upset if I died.
I had to be aware of certain facts when daddy touched it was wrong and I should protest and under no pretext was he to stay more than ten minutes. That was all? Yes, grandma nodded otherwise I would be ashamed and disgraced and adding to the general mayhem of disappointment and disgrace.
I prayed and prayed that I would remain a good girl and go to heaven and never upset grandma. Then I threw a tantrum and turned against her saying that she did not care really and I was a despot she said and I asked what did a despot do and she said exactly what you do.
Then she fed me and I was ok again and then we said wise words about my going to England and behaving like a lady and being responsible and an adult. I cried again I did not want to go but there was not much for me to stay. I was not even allowed in a school.
“Why because everyone thought I had been a bad girl and slept with daddy.”
“It is an impossible situation.”
Again, the nightmare the nightmares began and then the clowns and all that. I did not say a word I did not even ask. Why dad had done those things he did not speak to me he did nothing but smile.
“Daddy is not a doctor why is he pretending?”
“Because he can’t be a doctor but your daddy is a good man.”
“He is nothing but a liar.
“See not ladylike.”
I thought about the big iron key and then there was nothing but that I told grandma that it was best to get those keys as we did not know who might come inside. Dad was highly delighted and thought the oddness and the delicious joke when he could enter and come as he went and crept inside anywhere as he a former police official inside his world he was a real living entity with a real job. What was I was a piece of shat?
He was doing his military service as well?
I do not know he did a military service but he then disliked the whole thing and left the armed forces and went travelling for some time.
“He was in prison for drugs?”
“Yes, he had been. He wanted to make quick bucks.”
“We have the keys to good behaviour as a well organised totalitarian state which is British, we get along nag and talk sense to the world. Banking system and systematic abuse is how we won and will win this war.
“Because of lack of funds your bank details are a joke.”
I am a joke too there is almost this insanity in the whole thing. I am in a hellish situation there is almost content in the eyes of the world because I have nothing. I am a mere joke and the joke is that there is almost me gone.
I am not going to cry I am going to lift my head higher than usual and creep out of the bank. I do just that.