They all shun me now there is a fat boy who with buoyancy spat out to me saying his father told him to do it. My it is almighty bad now there is nothing but ill feeling.
He had a can of lager in his hand as soon as he had done the deed. I thought what a boy what a good boy some drink milk shakes and this has lager loutish behaviour already.
There is this smug attitude on both sides and I scuttle off before he now oblivious to me sees me again. I do not report him it is too long a list to do such a thing. He has sandy hair and is plump and I think he also has a pot belly an imitation of his dad’s? I supposed this was what he was aiming for? What a disaster I thought at the time.
“I am disgusting?”
“Of course, I am not I am nice and kindness itself.”
I want to know the reason.
There must be a reason for this unkindness around me? Did I leave anything out? Did I forget anything I did have done?
“Mother always said I was like a handcuff round them. She did not understand I was protecting her and them from themselves. Then they did not want me round.
People do not understand that they have to be protected from each other and themselves it is what my psychiatrist said. If we say good words and are always cheerful and think positive nothing bad can happen. It might be delayed just like the Titanic? Some could reach the rafts sooner rather than later.
Then I figure it out that is wrong. No one wants to be cuffed it is the ultimate trophy making mistakes and living.
“Women fighting wives fighting we love fighting with these creatures and they turn us into us the males who loved it to begin with now emptiness and the hollowness of beasts within their homes trying to make believe and mend the fences and fend off the wolves which is us.”
“That the world is a laughing place within that place there is nothing but the sham existence which is the pornography we stare as if life is a show of the sexiness that we do not can’t do anything but watch.”
“Wretched that is how it ends?”
“That we are all movies and then we take part in the actions.”
“That our hands are tied behind our backs.”
“Love died within us the family feelings became the failed doomed selves of being enslaved in something which there was no getting away from.”
“You mean sex?”
“I do not mean that only drugged out and the commitments one had and then the disaster which struck dad the mad the insane the crippled fiends and then the matter took a turn for the worse.”
“What is the turn?”
“That life is what they say it is insane.”
“I love this world it is filled with good advice.”
“Slavery is nothing to do with decent folk.”
They shrugged as they watched because I was foreign muck and they viewed this me as mockery. Foreigners have always had slavery we the whites do not? That they gained by it did not they? It is not only whites who had slaves look at the Turks look at the Greeks look at anyone who is a success they depend on slaves because they dislike the work.
Foreigners are the foolish the slaves have everything they love being enslaved. It is criminal to become a slave is it not take the blame I take the blame for being weak unable to deal with the thoughts which slavery meant to me. I was this slaved child who had to do the work to become worthy look at me now I am the worthiest beast in the world. The beast of the burdensome and the life and the life which went away without me what did it matter when they went dancing and clubbing because clothes of a slave is never the same as the ones who work. That is me that is me busking in the sun and the rains swept me along as they went there and here. I am this woman who was left behind because did not think I wanted for no work I had everything I asked for depend on the family they will provide.
One abused woman then another who cared?
Has anybody put themselves in my place placed their hands in their pockets and told me I had a job interview a job I can do? Everything is too late now there is nothing doing I am nearing that age when I should retire.
Life at the crossing what do we tell each other secrets what does it matter when secretive lives fly into the not now.