“Why is love this side of hate? What makes me feel this trapped hated beast within a huge container never going to boil over not allowed it has been simmering for donkey’s years and I could not express any o this to anybody because the woman in charge was the fiend who was taking robbing me of everything She had forever while what did I have nothing and she wanted that too? A pittance and that she had to have and he would give it to her because he had to do so there is nothing a man who is in love would not give for that woman to be content. I was this madness now he had no time and even feared madness there was no use arguing with me because I did not know what I was saying. The madness was within him I did not shatter his delusions maybe he might survive unlike me who was doomed. I did nothing but cry and lived in the past in something like hellish demons and hellish frenzy of being oblivious to surroundings and the dismay or even amused glances of my family.
That they amused themselves on me as the sorry spectre at some party doomed never to eat or participate all because of being too proud to do what they had done. It was something unnatural unkind but B said it out loud when you are too careful and particular this is what happens. One must not be too choosy there is no choice in life that is what life is a lot on offer and that is what you grab I thought to enquire but B did not offer any explanation and I wondered was she happy?
Had she found love and it would make a difficult situation less difficult if even one of us was happy. But she was not. She said she was but she had been doing some pilfering on the side and some aspect of her was lost as she had to pay R back. He was most annoyed she nearly said she would marry a millionaire and have his money and what did R care about the whole lot?
“I thought it might be a trap something daddy would concoct but B said eyes in tears why you hate me so much.”
“Mother approved what she approves can’t be wrong.”
“But my dear you are with R?”
“Ouch he won’t mind that.”
But he did and there was not much I could do but to say nothing.
The whole family do nothing but play pranks on each other you don’t understand they have jokes and jests which run forever.
“Don’t be absurd you have nothing to do with me at all.”
“Who is he mum?”
“A well-loved man.” Said mother.
“That is exactly what she had said about the millionaire I was supposed to marry.”
“Who was a good-looking man.”
“So is this one I am certain of that.”
I did not explain it to her I let her anger grow my mistake because the truth was it had to be dad. Somethings children should never know.
“Hate imprisons while love sets free, I can’t walk outside there is nothing there but the laughing faces of desperate women trying to come to terms with the failure of the marriage of their beloved.”
Trauma is the key to this world without the beasts who smiles we would never make it big. This is big time while hatred grew and I became more and more enslaved there was no escaping the handcuffs the little thoughts which fled and then I became this shadow and walked and walked no more in the light.
“Fate is the ass.”
“We are as sane as this world.”
What is bugging me is it anger is it hate is it what the merry world calls love is it a mixture of this all and everything what is bugging this woman one might ask? The question is what if there is so much bugging me that there might be odd quests inside of me which nobody realises.
I am agnostic I said to him who is supposed to be my protection from the world. It is I your dad he said and lust filled him. What is it afters now’?
“You must believe in your daddy.”
“Parents are the key to success”?
“Some even know that their kids do their homework with amazon.”
“No Alexia does all our homework.”
“Most parents do not know this.”
“We do not have such a thing in our house we do not even have television.”
“Visions so narrow must be complex?”
“What is wrong with me?”
“I am in the wrong.”
“When daddy said sleep with me, I had no idea.”
“So, he made me a sleeping partner.”
“He won’t say.”
“He said being silenced will help him recover on the dishes and become what he lost.”
“I think his parental control is not right.”
“What gave you that idea?”
“I don’t think there is any doubt but the thing is he does not understand and he seems to be doing rough by his other kids as well. You should meet my brother he is a brilliant man too.”
“You mean what does he do?”
“He sells drugs.”
“So, he is a salesman?”
“No most definitely he is the boss.”
“I think he grows the stuff you know.”
“I most definitely don’t know but they have various farms in France.”
“It is over for you it is over.”
“Daddy I am sorry I was over the moon to meet you but the thing is we just do not see eye to eye.”
There is no law in Algiers and that is why we can’t break the law there is it nothing to do with that? In Cyprus there are no policeman as they are the main feeders of the system.
What is wrong why this anger against a man who is mad?
“Everyone respects his point of view it is the norm amongst the clan.”
“Because he is a man of influence and richer than everyone.”
“If one is rich that means what?”
“It makes for more power than anything.”
“A man is a man because he has money.”
“I live in a country run by the charities.”
“We learn to give food we learn the pleasures of giving we have the giving kind natured doctors and the church people who had nothing to do now they have work to do.”
“You see everyone is now of most use and there is nothing the matter with me living within the bounds of constraints because man must have powerful women and the weak woman are the maids to do their deeds to work the house to mend them when they need to sleep.”
“He now has come to die?”
“He is ruder than annoying me.”
“The thing is when he married, I thought it was the end.”
“What does it matter to me?”
“Nothing now matters to me because who is the second mattress who is the second bed?”
My daddy has slimmed down and made off a hash of something has just spat into my food just a gentle spit and I am so spent I eat it. There is nothing a dad will not do to have his way with his child.
We will end up killing each other?
One of us must leave the house and it is me.