THERE WAS A loud beeping sound that I kept hearing and I wasn't sure what it was. I tried opening my eyes but I couldn't, it felt like they were glued together with superglue or sewed shut.
I tried lifting my hand to rub my eyes but there was someone holding on to it with an iron like grip.
Am I dead already? Is this how being dead feels like? This is not the way I wanted to go, my subconscious said.
No of course I'm not dead. Because if I was, then I wouldn't be talking to my subconscious right? Right.
I pushed myself harder until my eyes finally opened and I looked around to see that I was still in my hospital room. The thing making the beeping noises was the heart monitor I was plugged to. A sigh of relief fell from lips because I wasn't died....yet.
I rolled around and saw Nick sleeping on one of the chairs in a very uncomfortable position as he clutched onto my hand with a firm grip. His usually perfect hair looked dishelved and my heart clutched at seeing him there but then the memories of what happened re-appeared and all I wanted to do was get away from him. Slowly, I pulled my hand out of his to make sure I didn't wake him up.
"You're awake," he said groggily as his eyes snapped open and gazed into mine. "I was worried about you when the doctor said you would be out a while longer than necessary due to how weak your body has gotten."
I looked away from him because I didn't want to be made a fool. "Please leave,"
"What! Why?" he asked.
I had to remain strong and not let him get to me. "You know why."
There was a long pause before he replied. "I don't know what you're talking about," he answered.
There was a moment of silence as something finally seemed to click with him. "Is this about Chloe?"
I didn't say anything because I knew he understood what exactly my silence meant.
"Oh come on Alexis!" he said and turned me to look at him, "nothing happened between me and her. You have to trust me on this one. I would never cheat on you, ever."
"Why should I trust you when I saw you kissing her right in front of the reception?" I asked harshly. "You don't really think I'm now stupid just because I'm sick do you?"
"You've got to be kidding me right now!" he exclaimed as he threw his hands in the air exasperatedly. "She kissed me, not the other way around. You have to know that I wouldn't ever cheat on you with her of all people. Heck, I wouldn't ever cheat on you, period."
Maybe I should trust his word because I didn't really see him kiss her back. All I saw was her attach her lips to his before I ran and well....collapsed.
You have trust issues, my subconscious reminded me. You need to stop being too closed off and learn to let people in.
Sighing, I closed my eyes and took a huge breath of air before I slowly opened them and pinched the bridge of my nose. "I believe you," I said and I hoped I wasn't making a mistake by giving him all of my trust.
"Thank you for trusting me. I swear I'll never do anything to hurt you, either intentionally or not," Nick said as he wrapped his hands around me in form of a hug.
"But why me though?" I asked still holding onto him. "She's beautiful and rich and any sane guy with eyes and half a brain can see that."
A humourous laugh fell from Nick's lips, "any sane guy would also know to stay away from her. She has a few, no scratch that, she has all the screws missing in that head of hers."
A weak smile appeared at his words but it was quickly gone just as fast as it had come.
"I chose to go out with you because you're different. You don't try to be someone you're not just to please others and you are just so mysterious and alluring. I like the fact that you appreciate the smaller things in life like your family and friends."
He still held onto me and I onto him. He was my safe haven and I couldn't imagine how it would feel to not have him with me. Maybe I was getting to attached to him to fast and I'd regret it later, but I'm only human and hard wired to desire and feel things.
"She is kind of psychotic," I said as I pulled away from the hug and Nick crawled in the covers with me. He wrapped his hand over my shoulder and I leaned my head against him.
Nick scoffed, "she is not kind of psychotic, she is psychotic. Don't let her looks deceive you into thinking otherwise. She's a devil in disguise, beautiful on the outside but ugly on the inside."
"And yet you still dated her," I mused with a light laugh but something stirred within me at the thought of them together: holding each other and kissing and cuddling. The thought made me sick to my gut.
"Is that jealousy I detect Miss. Vance?" he asked with an amused look twinkling in his green eyes.
"I'm not jealous, just curious. There is a difference," I defended as I looked away from his smouldering gaze.
He used his index finger to tip my chin up and look him in the eyes as he leaned down and placed a soft kiss on my lips.
"There is no need to be jealous of her. She is someone from my past, a past I highly regret ever since I met you," he breathed as he laid his forehead against mine. "You're all I want and need."
"But what of Hayley?" I just had to open my big mouth and ruin a good moment.
Nick's whole body tensed as he pulled back away from me and stared at the wall before he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
"I did things I am not proud of and got involved with the wrong crowd but Hayley saw right through my facadè and she challenged me to be a better version of myself. She was my first love and I'll always love her," he said.
I felt my breath lodge in my throat at his confession.
"I shared everything with her and she was everything to me," he continued as though he just hadn't crushed my heart into a tiny million little pieces.
If my heart wasn't broken already, then it sure was now. She was his first love and he still loved her. What am I doing to myself? Just why? He made me confess to being in love with him but yet he never once said it back to me.
"I felt lost when she passed and I wasn't myself. I was depressed a third of the time," he continued. "Then we moved and everyone thought it could fix things and then I met you. You reminded me of her in more ways than one, and I hated you instantly because you weren't her. Hence I was rude to you all the damn time."
Woah! That's the only thing running through my mind right now. Just woah. I opened and closed my mouth but no words came out.
Nick finally looked at me and his eyes were glassy as he held my hands in his. "I know it's no excuse for treating you like that and I'm sorry. I can't live without you and I need you. You make me feel alive and when I-I am with you I don't feel the ghosts of my past haunting me."
"I-I don't know what to say," I admitted as he finished talking.
"You don't have to say anything. You being here with me is all the answer I need," he sighed and embraced me. "I'm sorry for everything I put you through," he sniffed.
My hands hung limp by my sides as he held me with everything within him. I couldn't bring myself to embrace him after everything he just admitted. A huge part of me knew I was setting myself up for greater disappointment but I still chose to ignore it and now I'm ripping what I sowed; heartbreak and heartache, all mixed together to create the perfect concoction: pain.
"Alexis?" he whispered.
"Yeah?" I snapped out of my thoughts.
"Do you hate me?"
His question caught me off-guard and I didn't know what to say.
"Why do you think so?"
"Because you've been awfully quiet and you're not returning my hug," he spoke quietly.
"No I don't hate you. I'm still processing everything that you said," I admitted as I leaned into him but still not embracing him.
Nick pulled away, placed his hands on my shoulders and looked me right in the eyes. "You don't have to lie to me, you can tell you hate me and I won't blame you because I'd hate me too if I were you."
I sighed, "I don't hate you. It's just way too much for me right now and I need time to fully process and come to terms with everything."
Just as he we about to say something, the door to the room opened and in walked Dr. Dave with Sara by his side.
"Oh good you're finally awake," Dr. Dave said, "Sara please get her ready for the surgery," he said to her. "Nick your mum and sister are waiting for you in the other room."
"I'm having the surgery now?" I exclaimed as I started hyperventilating.
"Yes, the doctor who is supposed to do your surgery just got in yesterday and she'll be leaving in a few days. So she has to do it now or you'll have to wait for six months for her to get back from her trip overseas," he explained. "It's now or never."
Nick stood up and walked towards the door, "I'll see you before you go to the surgery," he said over his shoulder before he followed Dr. Dave and left me alone with Sara.
"You'll be fine," Sara spoke softly seeming to have noticed my uneasiness. "Dr. Martins is very good at her job and the surgery will be successful and you will make it."
Somehow her words did the opposite of what they were supposed to do. Instead of calming me down or putting me at ease, they made me feel anxious, paranoid and scared out of my mind.