I don’t know how long I spent the rest of the night screaming. All I remember is feeling an object with the profile of a solid metal bat slamming into my cranium, where, in the midst of my blackout, I could hear my dad saying, “Go to sleep.” The next thing I knew, I awoke in some sort of realm with a beautiful goddess sitting right in front of me.
“Pitiful soul,” she said. “You have been summoned to save our world from the wrath of the demon king.”
I blacked out from most of the conversation, but the gist of it was that I died and was sent to another world as the chosen hero. During my adventures, I met several people and established a harem of loyal female followers of diverse yet flat personality types whom all vied for my affections. I fought various demon generals and became beloved everywhere by those who lived in the realm of light while being despised universally by the forces of darkness.
But most importantly...
NO ONE CALLED ME GAY!
...then I woke up.
I don’t know when or where, but this strange girl (was it right to even refer to it as “human”) appeared in my house and started staring at me without saying a word like some sort of weirdo. I mostly ignored it for most of the day, but I had a feeling like it wanted something, and my weekend was already enough of a shitshow thanks to yesterday’s fiasco.
While playing video games, I could feel its glare penetrating my spine. Enough, I said.
Reluctantly, I turned around and faced the creature. “What?”
“I know you’re not gay,” it spoke.
“Wha- Who told you that?” I said, cooly and completely in control of the situation.
“Why can’t you just tell everyone the truth?”
“You can’t handle the truth!”
It stared at me even harder.
“Listen,” I spoke, calmly, as I completely didn’t lose any ground whatsoever, “You’re my sister, and I love you, but you have to understand that it’s not a stage. I’m seriously doing this, and I won’t let your bigotry and homophobia get in the way of my happiness!”
Ding, ding. Saved by the bell. That must be the gang.
“Now, if you don’t mind, I promised the popular kids at school that I would hang out with them at Slutty’s today. Can’t have you cramping my style, so shoo. Shoo! Go back to the cavern you crawled out of, little she-demon.”
A weekend passed by pretty fast. Don’t they always? It’s not like I really even cared much for socialization, but they offered to buy the food, and I offered to not lose half of my allowance over the weekend scavenging for food myself, so it was a win-win. Popularity was one thing, but making friends with rich people who could and would spoil you for next-to-nothing was my ultimate goal. Luckily, buzzwords like “wealthy” and “popular” tended to go hand-in-hand quite well. Who could’ve thunk?
As I sat in my school chair, looking outside the window, a listless sigh escaping my mouth, I should’ve known that I was inviting trouble.
Aw shit, it was the school bully. He never cared much for social dynamics and hierarchies. If you were a target, he’d bully you to suicide, kill himself, then bully you in Hell. To be honest, a part of me kinda respected him for that. Well, now that I was to be his target, I just wanted to stab him in the eye with my pencil.
“Come and meet me after class at the gymnasium.”
“No,” I said, bluntly.
The bully was taken aback. “You... Are you defying me!?”
I stood up. “I, a heterosexual male, refuse to be your toy,” I loudly proclaimed for the whole school to hear.
“W-w-what, he’s not gay!” one of the students said.
“But he’s still hot and cool,” another added.
“How dare you,” the bully exclaimed, throwing a punch at me.
Weak. I blocked it with my finger.
Also, my shirt was ripped from the impact, revealing my well-toned muscles and six-pack. The bully shrank.
Posing, I said, “You will terrify the people of this school no longer.”
And with that, the bully disintegrated into dust.
Having watched the one-sided exchange, popular girl immediately leapt into my arms, hugging me, and said, “I was wrong about you. I’m leaving Chad. Let’s get married and have lots of children.”
Chad also disintegrated.
And that’s the end of my story. Everyone (important) lived happily ever after...
...meanwhile, in reality...
“S-sure,” I said, nearly pissing myself. “What time exactly?”
“Huh!?” the bully growled intimidatingly. “After school, okay? Do I have to be any more specific?”
“S-s-ure. I’ll be there, fair and square! You can count on that.”
As soon as he left, all the air left my lungs in one long sigh of relief. Unfortunately, the air came back (death was a preferable alternative to whatever the school bully had in store for me).
I had never wanted a class lecture to last as long as I did at this very moment. Every syllable the teacher spoke was like a timer counting down before the bomb exploded.
“And that concludes today’s lecture. Your homework for tonight is to...” Blah, blah, blah.
Was there even any point in paying attention? I was already a dead-man-walking. What point would there be in doing any kind of homework if it was uncertain whether or not I would ever see my home again?
No. I slapped my cheeks. Had to stay positive. Sure, there were actually kids that killed themselves in this school on the day this bully just so happened to transfer, but that all had to be a coincidence, right? And sure, everyone says that his father or uncle or whatever is a high-ranking yakuza who can make people disappear, but it’s only a coincidence that the teachers who did speak up about his behavior ended up committing suicide via two bullets to the back of the head and then jumping off a bridge, r-right?
“You’re finally hear.” He was sitting on some stacked mats, looking like something the devil shat out after eating some expired fish.
I gulped. “So I am.”
“Then...” He cracked his knuckles.
I closed my eyes, preparing for the beating of a life time. Then...
“Would you sign my B***y H******ton gay porn magazine?”
...you know what.
I’m not even going to question it.
“Sure, you got a pen?”
“Y-yeah,” the bully said. “A-and before you ask, I’m not gay like you or anything. I just happen to like gay porn, okay. But I don’t beat off to it. No, I watch it for the plot.”
“It was my sister who got me into it when I first discovered her yaoi manga hidden under her mattress.”
I don’t need your life story, pal.
“Sure, it’s not like you’re the real deal, but since your gay, and he’s gay, that’s good enough. Right? Right!?”
“Whatever you say.”
“To be honest, I’m more of a fan of the bara subgenre. There’s something more raw and realistic about watching two muscular average joes doing it rather than overly handsome, skinny young adults, you know what I’m saying?”
I wasn’t even writing any thing particular. I was just scribbling on the page at random until he’d stop.
“Anyway, I really respect what your people are going through. If there’s anything I can do to help... Maybe be your wing-man? Eh? Eh? Just tell me who it is you’re interested in.”
At this point, I don’t think anything I said would change the direction of this guy’s rant. So I simply said, “Yes, that is true.”
“Oh, and sorry for being mean back there. I’m kind of a big deal, so I got an image to maintain. But if anyone gives you shit, let me know, and I’ll take care of ’em.”
His rambling went on for a few more hours until he’d realized it became dark and decided to mercifully end it. Bidding him ado, I made my way home.
Though, I did consider the possibility that he might’ve been a raging homo himself and tried to rape me, it seems that he was just a fudanshi or, maybe, a closeted homo using that as his excuse. It made no difference. All that mattered was that, today, neither my face nor my ass came to any harm.
And overbearing as he was, he did seem like a nice guy at least...
...two days later, a rumor spread among the students that the bully and I had eloped in the gymnasium. Two days later, some bodies, unaffiliated with our school, were coincidentally found, and that rumor died down as quickly as it sprang up.
Morality Status: Questionable.
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