“I don’t belong here you know.” said the man trying to get pudding from the empty bowl.
“Then why are you here, Mr. Reynolds?” the orderly asked.
“My car broke down, and I’m still waiting for AAA.” Mr. Reynolds answered.
“And how did your car get here to the Moon?” the orderly asked.
“I got off at the exit for Parsippany, New Jersey, took a wrong turn, and next thing I knew, bam, to the Moon Alice.” Mr. Reynolds answered, quoting his old friend Jackie Gleason.
“Mr. Reynolds, the year is 2067, you are in the Lunar C Mental Facility on the Moon, and my name is Geoffrey 96. Oh, and your pudding has been gone for five minutes now.” Geoffrey 96 informed him, taking the pudding bowl and spoon.
Geoffrey 96 was the 96th cloned version of the original Geoffrey, who was one of the original orderlies at Lunar C. This version was a 6 ft. overweight black man and gay, which was weird since the original was a short balding white man with a wife and six kids. The popular theory was that someone mixed DNA samples, but no one knew or cared.
Geoffrey made his way back to his office to update the medication logs. The door opened as it recognized his genetic makeup, and closed before any of the patients thought to follow. He dropped the bowl and spoon in the trash disintegrator, and sat behind his desk with absolutely nothing on it.
“Computer, all medications administered with snacks by 0819 Moon Time. Patient Burt Reynolds may need an increase of Lithkumudoymcadeorgtrol 5743. He’s a bit confused on why he’s here. And this morning he jumped the breakfast table in his glide-chair.” Geoffrey submitted his report.
The rest of the morning Geoffrey spent daydreaming of working at one of the other facilities on the Moon. There were other mental facilities like Lunar A, B, D, or E, and about twelve medical facilities with hunky doctors and orderlies. Here at Lunar C, there was only Dr. Kruga’r, the muscular Martian doctor, who was OK if you liked green guys with six arms.
“Oh Geoffrey, stop it. Six arms could be fun.” he mused out loud, before remembering that the doctor was already involved with Nurse Goodbutt. He remembered when Nurse Goodbutt, Nurse Mercy, and Nurse Mayhem had walked in on Justin Bieber while he was using the bed pan, and he freaked out.
At lunch time Geoffrey watched over the dining room as the patients ate spaghetti and meatballs that meal. No meal at Lunar C was ever uneventful, and before too long a food fight broke out, with a barrage of sauced up meatballs and spaghetti flying back and forth as the room was divided by sides in this pasta war.
Apparently John Doe #5667, who thought he was Napoleon Bonaparte wanted to annex the meatballs of another patient. That patient unfortunately was Adolph Hitler, the real one, removed from cryogenic freezing that he was placed in at the end of World War II, and was here to see if his behavioral issues could be resolved. Apparently not. Hitler attempted a blitzkrieg with the patients from his side of the dining hall, but Napoleon countered with flying meatballs in full cannonade, starting the food fight.
It wouldn’t have been so bad except the patients kept calling for extra helpings, and the server droids kept depositing spaghetti and meatballs on their plates. Geoffrey had to get in close to use the Pacifier Pulse Pen on the combatants one at a time. The pen was accidentally knocked from his hand when orderly Neo Storm was judo flipped into him by Charles Manson, who was serving out the remainder of his sentence here.
Reaching back to catch his dislodged pen, Geoffrey struck someone in the face. Catching the pen he then turned to see who it was that he had hit. There on the floor in front of him, was former boxing champ Floyd Mayweather Jr., knocked out cold.
“Oh dear, I’ve knocked out the champ.” Geoffrey thought out loud.
Mayweather had come to Lunar C after his retirement of his own accord, because of severe depression caused by people constantly wanting money from him. He froze his accounts and came here to get away and relax, and now Geoffrey had knocked him out. Nobody had ever knocked him out.
Geoffrey and the other orderlies finished getting Meatball War One under control, and the pacified herded off towards their rooms. Napoleon and Hitler were placed in observation rooms until they could be corrected. Observation rooms were like rubber rooms with gelatinous walls and a weightless environment, ensuring that the patients couldn’t possibly hurt themselves. A coat of restraint foam didn’t hurt either. Floyd was taken to the infirmary and Geoffrey though it was best to avoid him the rest of the day. Other than that it wasn’t as bad as when the Children’s Ward had a dog smuggled in that ran around the entire complex.
Continuing on his rounds, he made his way to one of his favorite patients, Marilyn Monroe. She was actually a clone of the original and wasn’t even crazy, she would come to relax from time to time in seclusion, instead of visiting the hot trendy resorts other celebrities would frequent. And since her career was booming again she could avoid the paparazzi.
Marilyn was sharing beauty tips with his favorite coworker Nurse Mercy, who was a beauty in her own right. Nurse Danielle Mercy was pure human, and a shapely light skinned woman with a terrific figure, and an incredible smile, but not his type.
They were in the sitting room with Betty Boop, who was an anomaly. Betty was the figment of the imagination of a former patient, who loved the famous cartoon character. The problem was that this figment of that patient’s imagination, soon was seen by everybody, patients and staff alike, who knew she wasn’t really there, but could all see and interact with her.
“What are you girls up to today?” Geoffrey asked.
“We’re trying out different eye shadows.” Danielle answered.
“Which one do you like better Geoffrey.” Marilyn asked, closing her eyes which then changed the eye shadow from a radiant purple, to tiger stripes, to zebra stripes, to moving cascade of stars and planets orbiting the Sun.
“The purple is really nice. The rest are very distracting, and you don’t want to draw too much attention from the rest of your face. But I would wear the Solar System one.” he answered.
“Heheehee.” Betty laughed. She thought it was funny that Geoffrey was one of the girls.
“Miss Marilyn, did you hear that Some Like it as Hot as the Sun is doing really good in the box office? Will you do a seventh movie in the series?” Geoffrey asked.
“Yes I did hear, thank you Geoffrey. And if the studio wants to do another I’m all for it, but I did just sign to do Gentlemen Prefer Androids in that series, so it might have to wait.” Marilyn answered.
“Are you coming to the dance, Geoffrey?” Nurse Mercy asked.
“Of course I am, you silly. I have a fantastic fluorescent pink tuxedo from Saturn with holographic trousers that turn into panties and fishnets.” Geoffrey said.
“I can’t wait to see that.” Nurse Mercy said.
“What are you wearing?” Geoffrey asked.
“This great full length nebula gown that Marilyn is loaning me, with the swirling colors of the gaseous cloud staying right where they’re needed to cover the parts needing to be covered.” the nurse said.
“But still leaving enough uncovered to get the attention of every man in the room.” Marilyn added.
“Except yours Geoffrey, but I understand.” Danielle said.
“Oh no you don’t girl, if I was straight I’d be on you tighter than that uniform you’re wearing, but I’m not, so I’m sad because you have to miss out on all of this splendidness.” Geoffrey replied.
Geoffrey left the girls alone, and continued on his rounds. He swung by the emergency entrance, where two other orderlies were taking Burt Reynolds back to his room.
“Did you see that? A bear driving that ambulance skiff, but I’m not fooled, no sir. That’s my friend Dom DeLuise disguised as a bear, playing a trick on me.” Burt Reynolds said.
The orderlies took him away, and Geoffrey stepped out to the skiff port in the transpo-tube.
“Hi Teddy, are you bringing us another one?” Geoffrey asked the bear-man driver.
“Er, no I’m just here to fix some paperwork I delivered with the last one.” Teddy answered.
“OK, I’ll see you next time.” Geoffrey said. The last time Teddy was there Julius Caesar the Fourth tried to sneak out in the ambulance instead of having blood drawn.
He continued over to the infirmary, having somehow forgotten about Floyd, who he just so happened to run into leaving the infirmary.
“Geoffrey, that was a good hit earlier, don’t sweat it though, man. I know you didn’t do it on purpose. But that being accidental, what would it be like if it wasn’t. I mean if we fought I’d still win, but if I trained you it could be a new direction for The Money Team.” Floyd told him, making him very relieved.
“Yeah, I’m really sorry about that Mr. Mayweather. I didn’t see you behind me.” Geoffrey told him.
“You think about it. I’ll catch you later.” Mayweather said.
“OK” Geoffrey replied.
The rest of his rounds went well. Fred Astaire had gotten into the X-ray room again and was dancing behind the x-ray screen, putting on a show for the other inmates watching his skeleton tap dance. Betty Boop had done that on the thermal imaging setting and has been in color ever since. God and Satan as they liked to be called got in a fistfight over a game of Connect Four. Kevin Hart chased everyone out of the Media Room, so he could watch Dumb, Dumb, Dumb, Dumber with the Muppets, celebrating Kermit and Piggy’s third child since they got back together and were married a decade ago.
Speaking of the Dumb and Dumber series, Jim Carrey tried to donate his brain to science, but no one wanted it.
Later that night in the recreation room, Floyd, Marilyn, and Betty were playing hangman for Lay’s biscuits and gravy potato chips. Geoffrey came in and watched them play for a while. But unknown to everyone at Lunar C, Teddy the bear was really a shapeshifting alien that was impersonating Teddy, and had smuggled other shapeshifters into the facility.
Geoffrey and the inmates soon found themselves locked in the Common Area, while the shapeshifters took control of the Med Section. They needed to get out and take back control of the facility before some of the meds wore off and the inmates became uncontrollable. Geoffrey told his group of hangman players what he had planned, and went to gather his generals. Hitler and Napoleon were free of confinement and playing a game of war, of course. He got the two of them, and went to get the others.
After laying out the plan to his generals, God blessed the Army of the Mentally Challenged in the liberation of their home, while Satan called dibs on the souls of the enemy. All of the generals from Patton to the Teddy Roosevelt clone gave their input, which sounded surprisingly coherent, until Hitler spoke, showing everyone that his behavior modification was starting to work.
“I am der Fuhrer, and I want a puppy and an ice cream cone.” Hitler said. Meeting adjourned.
The attack upon the enemy was launched, ramming the doors to the Dining Hall open, then Napoleon bombarding the shapeshifters with more meatballs, providing cover fire with the server droids, as Hitler attempted a pincher movement from the kitchen, as Julius Caesar led a phalanx movement from the patio, and Teddy Roosevelt on a makeshift hobby horse led the Bed-Wetters straight up the middle.
For a “coordinated effort” it resembled any other free-for-all you have ever seen with inmates fighting the aliens as well as each other. God beat up Satan, Napoleon beat up Hitler, and everything was falling apart until Patton pulled it all together as a mighty juggernaut of the drooling masses that rolled over the enemy forces. Well no not really, but that’s how it seemed in their minds.
Pandemonium was everywhere as inmates attacked the aliens, aliens changed into inmates, Jack Nicholson chased after Michelle Pfeiffer, James Dean pretended not to notice Marilyn, Mayweather went twelve rounds with himself until he knocked himself out leaving Nurse Mercy to figure which one was the real one with a kiss, and Ozzy Osbourne walked around the battlefield unaware of what was going on and shouting “Sharon!”
At one point Floyd and Geoffrey were side by side knocking out aliens left and right. One alien was not as lucky as his friends as was kicked in the groin by Nurse Mercy, then Betty Boop, and finally by Marilyn. Hitler woke up long enough to shout “Blitzkrieg!” and passed out again, mumbling “puppy.” Burt Reynolds joined in on the punching out of the aliens, and an inmate who thought he was Aquaman dove across the room at three of the aliens.
Finally the melee ended, and the Med Section was theirs. Geoffrey asked the computer to scan for any other aliens, and found that they had control of every complex on the Moon, only Lunar C was back in control. The inmates freed the rest of the staff from the Staff Quarters, where much to his heartbreak Geoffrey found Dr. Kruga’r with Nurse Goodbutt, giving each other a physical examination.
Geoffrey got Dr. Kruga’r to release Tribramsaadberllentendrennan Gas canisters which he and Floyd hooked up to the climate control system, and pumped massive quantities to the rest of the Moon’s facilities. The gas only had an effect on non-humans, making them open to suggestion. Within hours aliens all across the Moon had been captured. The war was one.
At some point, left all alone Hitler had managed to give himself a laser lobotomy, and totally switched his brain out with a goldfish bowl, and God gave Satan a swirly and flushed him to Hell.
The next night at the dance Nurse Mercy showed up in the nebula dress that so impressed Floyd that he threatened to knockout anyone else that wanted to dance with her. James Dean danced with Marilyn, Betty Boop and Burt Reynolds made a cute couple, and Kevin Hart dedicated a dance to Kermit and Piggy. As for Geoffrey, he got to dance with Fred Astaire.
Back in 2015, at Ancora Psychiatric Hospital in Hammonton, NJ, patient Charles Berl emerged from his odd vegetative state. The Nurse wiped some drool away from his mouth causing him to slowly look up at her.
“You see Father, Charles Berl doesn’t just become catatonic. He becomes a vegetable, at least for a short period of time, his bodily functions nearly all shut down, and we’ve nearly coded him a few times” Dr. Patterson said.
“This is not a matter of demonic possession doctor.” Father Carney stated.
“But when he recounts what he sees, he mentions God, Satan, celebrities, and other famous dead people. If that isn’t possession, that what is it?” Patterson asked.
“You’re the psychiatrist doctor, surely you’ve heard dementia patients remember strange things, and have seen trauma patients with mild to severe catatonia. This is not a matter for the Church.” Father Carney told him.
Father Carney walked out of the hospital and flipped open his cell phone, selected a number from his contacts, and dialed it.
“Father Ignatius, what have you got Father Carney?” Father Ignatius asked.
“Nothing of importance Iggy, the man is insane, not possessed. I’m certain of it.” Father Carney replied.
“Thanks Pat.” Father Iggy said before hanging up.Back inside, Dr. Patterson left Charles Berl alone. As soon as he left there was a glint of coherence in Mr. Berl’s eyes. Charles looked down at his hand, opened it, and began to smile at the small crucifix that Father Carney had pressed into his hand.
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