My sister and I are
identical twins like two peas in a pod. Thelma and Wilma. Yes I know,
our mother loved the movie and she was the only one who could tell us
apart. How she did it we never found out.
Dad, though, had no
idea and we would play tricks on him all the time. Our favourite one
was the double whammy. One of us would go up to our father and using
all the charms a daughter uses against her father, we would extract
some money from him. She would then go back later pretending to be
the other and throw a little tantrum accusing him of loving her more
and that I should get some also. Invariably he gave in. Poor dad,
eventually mum came to his aid when she found out about our trick and
we spent the next six months with no allowance at all.
As we entered our
teens we remained physically identical but our personalities
diverged. I grew to desire more order and predictably. Everything in
my room was there for a purpose and the purpose was known. I knew all
the clothes in my wardrobe, why they were there and when I would use
them. The were little boxes on the shelf of my wardrobe, all
alphabetically labelled. My diary was complete and perfect. I knew
where I would be at one in the afternoon six months from now.
My sister, however,
descended into chaos, apparently. There were more clothes on her
floor than there were ever in her wardrobe. Books were stuffed with
underwear in her drawers. She never knew what she was doing more than
one hour ahead of time and yet she never lost anything using the
simple technique of remembering where she dropped, left or hid it.
Similarly as our
personalities diverged so did our taste in boys. I preferred mine
predictable, rational and neat whereas my sister preferred hers
spontaneous, irrational and scruffy. She was happy if they at least
showered every second day and changed there underwear daily so we
usually left each others boyfriends alone.
However one day
Wilma brought home one that oozed heaps of that male animal magnetism
that has enslaved the female race since the beginning of time. Never
mind that he grew fat, prematurely bald, had three kids and an
ex-wife by the time he was forty.
I decided I had to
have him, must have him and will have him. The opportunity came when
Wilma went on one of her field trips, something to do with
Shakespeare. I got the boy on the phone and pretending to be Wilma I
told him I wouldn't be going for the weekend and would he come over
as I was lonely. I could almost hear the door slam and the engine
start before I hung up. I changed into Wilma's sexist underwear and
tiniest nightie and draped myself over Wilma's messy unmade bed. It
wasn't long before he arrived.
Of course Wilma
found out when she got home and I was fully expecting her to crash
into my bedroom and punch my lights out but she done something more
horrible. She started the boyfriend wars. During the next six months
we would make it our duty to seduce each others boyfriend. We went
through a lot of boys that year and only stopped when we came across
two of them comparing notes and laughing hysterically.
We decided to call
a halt and signed the boyfriend pact. We agreed not to seduce each
others boyfriend by foul and unethical means although all other
methods remained fair game. It no longer mattered anyway as we both
left home and our physical paths diverged although we both remained
close. I went on to law school and became a solicitor and Wilma went
onto to acting school and became an actress.
Life remained like
this till our late twenties when Wilma called to see if I would like
to go out on a blind double date. She had met this man and mentioned
she had a sister. He said he had a brother and would she like to go
out on a double date. She said she would ask. We have only ever
double dated once when we were seventeen. We drove the poor boys nuts
by swapping identities the whole night. They were so furious they
didn't speak to us again so we dropped the idea. However men were
rare in the horizon at the moment and I was getting lonely, amongst
other things, so I agreed.
Now I swear on my
grandmother's grave what happened next was sheer coincidence. I put
it down to "twinstinct". We both turned up wearing the
exact same outfit, same hairdo, make-up and shoes. We looked aghast
at each other but laughed it off as we were used to it but when we
entered the bar we nearly collapsed because there staring at us were
two identical men same suit, hair style and shoes.
we all said simultaneously and simultaneously we all laughed.
"I'm Bobby and
It was freaky but
the evening was superb. The food was great and the boys conversation
was humorous, spontaneous but neatly structured. The evening ended
with two slightly intoxicated young ladies going back to the
respective twins flats for the night.
I hurried back to my
flat the next morning bursting to tell Wilma all about it but judging
by the messages on the answering machine she beat me to it. She
answered the moment I called her.
I gushed, "my night with Bobby was heaven".
"Wilma, are you
sleep with Bobby. I did. "
should know who I slept with," I replied getting annoyed.
"Well, tell me
what the sex was like and I will tell you who it was. "
"How would you
know, " I snorted, "you have just met him"
"Our tastes in
men are totally different that's how I will know"
"Well ok then.
He was very neat and predictable in his love making and I like that
in a man," I said," no surprises but he just dropped his
shoes in the corridor and left his underpants and shirt lying on the
floor and his cupboards are very untidy"
"Hmm well, "
said Wilma," my Bobby was very unpredictable and imaginative in
his love making. He surprised me quite a lot but he did leave his
clothes neatly folded on the chair and all the books on his shelves
were all arranged alphabetically"
said ,"who's who then? "
"I guess we'll
never know. I have to go now and get ready for work"
A couple of weeks
passed when Bobby or maybe Billy I'm not sure who, called me and
asked if we would like to go out together again. I asked Wilma and
she agreed. The second evening was even better than the first and
again two slightly intoxicated young ladies spent the night in there
respective twins flat.
Next morning Wilma
"How did your
night with Bobby go? "
didn't sleep with Bobby, you did. "
"Oh no here we
go again. " moaned Wilma, "surely you must have mentioned
I thought really
deeply and then I remembered shouting out his name.
"Yes, you know,
I did." I replied.
"Well what did
you say? "
"I'd rather not
"Well what did
he say? "
"I'm going to
get them over here and find out who screwed who, " I decided.
I called everyone
up and arranged them to come to lunch on Sunday.
We sat around my
coffee table sipping wine and eating cheese and crackers.
said addressing one of the twins, "who did you sleep with on
Friday night? "
"You, " he
said the other twin, "I slept with her. "
"No you didn't,
" he countered, " you slept with her ." Pointing at
"I did not. You
did," he replied angrily.
"Hoy. Wait a
minute." yelled Wilma, "who did I sleep with. "
twins pointed at each other and said, "Him".
"Oh blow this,
" I retorted, "this is getting us nowhere. Let's go down
the pub and have a few beers"
that was a great idea so of we went.
with the boys grew from there and eventually we had a delightful
double wedding. We all had to have name tags to make sure the right
bride married the right groom and we made sure we were in different
parts of the country for our honeymoon. However I can't be sure we
always went home with the correct husband when we went out together
but no matter we loved both of them and they loved us.