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The twins

By Kenneth Allan All Rights Reserved ©

Humor / Romance

Blurb

My sister and I are identical twins, like two peas in a pod. Thelma and Wilma. Yes I know, our mother loved the movie and she was the only one who could tell us apart. How she did it we never found out. Dad, though, had no idea and we would play tricks on him all the time. Our favourite one was the double whammy. One of us would go up to our father and using all the charms a daughter uses against her father, she would extract some money from him. She would then go back later pretending to be the other and throw a little tantrum accusing him of loving her more and that I should get some also. Invariably he gave in. Poor dad, eventually mum came to his aid when she found out about our trick and we spent the next six months with no allowance at all.

Chapter 1

The twins

by

Kenneth Allan

My sister and I are identical twins like two peas in a pod. Thelma and Wilma. Yes I know, our mother loved the movie and she was the only one who could tell us apart. How she did it we never found out.

Dad, though, had no idea and we would play tricks on him all the time. Our favourite one was the double whammy. One of us would go up to our father and using all the charms a daughter uses against her father, we would extract some money from him. She would then go back later pretending to be the other and throw a little tantrum accusing him of loving her more and that I should get some also. Invariably he gave in. Poor dad, eventually mum came to his aid when she found out about our trick and we spent the next six months with no allowance at all.

As we entered our teens we remained physically identical but our personalities diverged. I grew to desire more order and predictably. Everything in my room was there for a purpose and the purpose was known. I knew all the clothes in my wardrobe, why they were there and when I would use them. The were little boxes on the shelf of my wardrobe, all alphabetically labelled. My diary was complete and perfect. I knew where I would be at one in the afternoon six months from now.

My sister, however, descended into chaos, apparently. There were more clothes on her floor than there were ever in her wardrobe. Books were stuffed with underwear in her drawers. She never knew what she was doing more than one hour ahead of time and yet she never lost anything using the simple technique of remembering where she dropped, left or hid it.

Similarly as our personalities diverged so did our taste in boys. I preferred mine predictable, rational and neat whereas my sister preferred hers spontaneous, irrational and scruffy. She was happy if they at least showered every second day and changed there underwear daily so we usually left each others boyfriends alone.

However one day Wilma brought home one that oozed heaps of that male animal magnetism that has enslaved the female race since the beginning of time. Never mind that he grew fat, prematurely bald, had three kids and an ex-wife by the time he was forty.

I decided I had to have him, must have him and will have him. The opportunity came when Wilma went on one of her field trips, something to do with Shakespeare. I got the boy on the phone and pretending to be Wilma I told him I wouldn't be going for the weekend and would he come over as I was lonely. I could almost hear the door slam and the engine start before I hung up. I changed into Wilma's sexist underwear and tiniest nightie and draped myself over Wilma's messy unmade bed. It wasn't long before he arrived.

Of course Wilma found out when she got home and I was fully expecting her to crash into my bedroom and punch my lights out but she done something more horrible. She started the boyfriend wars. During the next six months we would make it our duty to seduce each others boyfriend. We went through a lot of boys that year and only stopped when we came across two of them comparing notes and laughing hysterically.

We decided to call a halt and signed the boyfriend pact. We agreed not to seduce each others boyfriend by foul and unethical means although all other methods remained fair game. It no longer mattered anyway as we both left home and our physical paths diverged although we both remained close. I went on to law school and became a solicitor and Wilma went onto to acting school and became an actress.

Life remained like this till our late twenties when Wilma called to see if I would like to go out on a blind double date. She had met this man and mentioned she had a sister. He said he had a brother and would she like to go out on a double date. She said she would ask. We have only ever double dated once when we were seventeen. We drove the poor boys nuts by swapping identities the whole night. They were so furious they didn't speak to us again so we dropped the idea. However men were rare in the horizon at the moment and I was getting lonely, amongst other things, so I agreed.

Now I swear on my grandmother's grave what happened next was sheer coincidence. I put it down to "twinstinct". We both turned up wearing the exact same outfit, same hairdo, make-up and shoes. We looked aghast at each other but laughed it off as we were used to it but when we entered the bar we nearly collapsed because there staring at us were two identical men same suit, hair style and shoes.

"Your twins" we all said simultaneously and simultaneously we all laughed.

"I'm Bobby and he's Billy".

It was freaky but the evening was superb. The food was great and the boys conversation was humorous, spontaneous but neatly structured. The evening ended with two slightly intoxicated young ladies going back to the respective twins flats for the night.

I hurried back to my flat the next morning bursting to tell Wilma all about it but judging by the messages on the answering machine she beat me to it. She answered the moment I called her.

"Wilma, " I gushed, "my night with Bobby was heaven".

Silence.

"Wilma, are you there"

"You didn't sleep with Bobby. I did. "

"Nonsense, I should know who I slept with," I replied getting annoyed.

"Well, tell me what the sex was like and I will tell you who it was. "

"How would you know, " I snorted, "you have just met him"

"Our tastes in men are totally different that's how I will know"

"Well ok then. He was very neat and predictable in his love making and I like that in a man," I said," no surprises but he just dropped his shoes in the corridor and left his underpants and shirt lying on the floor and his cupboards are very untidy"

"Hmm well, " said Wilma," my Bobby was very unpredictable and imaginative in his love making. He surprised me quite a lot but he did leave his clothes neatly folded on the chair and all the books on his shelves were all arranged alphabetically"

"Well, "I said ,"who's who then? "

"I guess we'll never know. I have to go now and get ready for work"

A couple of weeks passed when Bobby or maybe Billy I'm not sure who, called me and asked if we would like to go out together again. I asked Wilma and she agreed. The second evening was even better than the first and again two slightly intoxicated young ladies spent the night in there respective twins flat.

Next morning Wilma called me.

"How did your night with Bobby go? "

"Bobby. I didn't sleep with Bobby, you did. "

"Oh no here we go again. " moaned Wilma, "surely you must have mentioned his name?"

I thought really deeply and then I remembered shouting out his name.

"Yes, you know, I did." I replied.

"Well what did you say? "

"I'd rather not say. "

"Well what did he say? "

"He just grunted. "

"Oh"

"I'm going to get them over here and find out who screwed who, " I decided.

I called everyone up and arranged them to come to lunch on Sunday.

We sat around my coffee table sipping wine and eating cheese and crackers.

"Ok," I said addressing one of the twins, "who did you sleep with on Friday night? "

"You, " he answered.

"Nonsense, " said the other twin, "I slept with her. "

"No you didn't, " he countered, " you slept with her ." Pointing at Wilma.

"I did not. You did," he replied angrily.

"Hoy. Wait a minute." yelled Wilma, "who did I sleep with. "

Simultaneously both twins pointed at each other and said, "Him".

"Oh blow this, " I retorted, "this is getting us nowhere. Let's go down the pub and have a few beers"

Everybody thought that was a great idea so of we went.

Our relationship with the boys grew from there and eventually we had a delightful double wedding. We all had to have name tags to make sure the right bride married the right groom and we made sure we were in different parts of the country for our honeymoon. However I can't be sure we always went home with the correct husband when we went out together but no matter we loved both of them and they loved us.

The End


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