Slept in as long as I could. I think my lack of sleep was a big part of yesterday’s depression. Mom was annoying me this morning. I was trying to keep calm, but she was being a bit much. Sometimes I just want silence. It doesn’t mean I’m mad. It doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful or upset with her. There are just certain moments when I need my quiet time. This morning in the hotel room was one of them.
I showered and got dressed, then met up with Ashley so we could walk to our brunch reservation at the Venetian. Walking with Ashley, I really wanted to open up about the sadness and depression I’ve been experiencing lately. As my oldest cousin, I’ve always thought of Ashley as a big sister. She’s the only family member I’d really feel comfortable talking to about this stuff. But, I felt like dredging up all of those emotions during our walk would have been forced. Like, “Yeah, it’s so nice out today. Oh, by the way, I want to kill myself.” I stayed silent. Ironically, it was the one moment I didn’t want quiet time. I’m sure Ashley noticed I’m not myself, though. It’s not exactly hard to tell. Maybe this is myself? Can you have a new self?
Brunch with the group was really good. Afterwards, we all walked over to the mall and split into groups. I opted to venture off alone, and proceeded to mope around like some sad, depressed sloth for an hour before throwing in the towel and leaving.
Things...life...just seem so...pointless. What’s the point? Seriously. We’re all going to die. Yet, here we are picking out new fucking shoes to buy, and for what? What the fuck does anything we are doing right now matter? We’re all going to die. Everyone around us is going to die, and our planet and future is doomed. Why even fucking bother?
I walked home through the Mirage and then through Caesars. After making a pit stop at the Mariah Carey store, I was able to find a way out of my mood. I’ll definitely be a mess at the concert tomorrow night. Mariah has been such a strong presence in my life over the past few years, especially as this depression has grown stronger, and everything about her music has helped me express myself. Mariah Carey means everything to me, even if it’s just a line from one of her songs. Today I thought of an important one, although partly from a Babyface song: “I only think of you, and it’s breaking my heart. I’m trying to keep it together, but I’m falling apart.”
Which brings me to Logan. That’s another reason why I’m not myself. I know it is. I keep telling myself all day, every day: he doesn’t give a shit about you. “Logan Hunter does not give a flying fuck about you.” And it’s true. Nonetheless, it fucking hurts to admit that. It stings. Everything just feels so shitty right now. And I don’t want it to.
I don’t want to bring people down. I don’t want my Mom to keep asking me, “What’s wrong?” as if she’s done something to cause my unhappiness. Above all, I don’t want to come across as ungrateful for everything I’ve been given in my life. I think that’s a huge part of it, too. I’m well aware of all that I have and I am so incredibly thankful. I’m so fortunate, and I feel like such an asshole – I feel so guilty – to be in this mindset where I’m sad despite all that’s been given to me. I have so much to live for, yet a part of me doesn’t even want to get out of bed in the morning.
I went back to the hotel after the Mariah shop, took a nap, worked out, and felt a lot better. Had a good dinner with the crew at Caesars and then walked back to the hotel. The plan was to hit up a club at the MGM Grand – I was even on some Grindr guy’s guest list – but when I went up to the room to change my shoes, I knew I wasn’t in the mood for any more walking. I washed up and went to bed.
It’s 12:08 a.m. Happy fucking Valentine’s Day. Which reminds me – Logan got his MOMENTS card yesterday. He didn’t mention it until I initiated a conversation this morning. I mailed valentines to 40 of my friends. Three of them acknowledged it. Seriously, what’s the point anymore?