Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 12)

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February 17

February 17

Slept in as long as possible this morning. I was lying in bed awake for the longest time, but I didn’t want to move. Eventually, around 2 p.m., I sat up and came to life a bit.

I had sent Mom a text late last night telling her I needed to come home, but given the time I pulled in the driveway, I guess she didn’t know I had actually done so. She knocked on my door soon after I had woken up, and we talked for a while. It all came out, and the conversation was exactly what I needed. I thought that opening up to Dad yesterday would have helped, but it only made my anxiety worse. Dad’s advice was along the lines of, “Get out of your comfort zone,” and, “You just need to figure out what you want to do.” Still encouraging, but not nurturing, and that’s what Mom gave me this morning. I felt so much better after our talk. Fuck. That woman is truly an angel.

I pulled up my big boy underwear and continued my job search this afternoon. I’ve decided to keep a closer watch on my applications so that I can thoroughly follow up with each company. I’ve also gotten to the point where I’m lying in each email about my references, so I need to keep tabs on that as well. Fuck honesty. Screw it. Everyone else is lying on their actual resumes, so I feel this pales in comparison. Nice guys finish last, apparently.

I left the house for a while and did some errands. Friends were checking in on me here and there throughout the day, which was so incredibly appreciated and comforting. They really came through.

I went back home after my adventures around town and had dinner, then worked out. Before bed, I thought that if I smoked weed it would calm me down. Wrong. It did nothing of the sort. I’m kind of stoned right now, actually. There’s only been one point during this high where I’ve felt really low and anxious. Otherwise, it’s just been kind of – blah. I certainly don’t feel “good.”

I think a lot of this recent anxiety has to do with Logan, to be honest. That’s when it all started. After he left my place in January, and as early as when I got back from first meeting him in December. The idea that I’m so insanely in love with someone from a different country is literally driving me insane. I don’t know whether to be devastated that being with Logan is likely never going to happen, or be mad at myself for falling so hard for him. It’s ridiculous. I literally obsess over Logan numerous times a day. Getting a message from him, or talking to him in any way, makes me so happy. A total serotonin rush. Then he’ll disappear on me and I’ll crave his attention again. I think about Logan all day. To know that he probably doesn’t feel the same way hurts so much. But, what if he does? What if Logan loves me, too? That would hurt even more, because of this geographical wall between us. I want to see him. I just want to look at him and hold his hand. I like him so much.

Goodnight xo

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