Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 12)

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February 18

February 18

So, weed is not happening again. At least, not when I’m alone. It just doesn’t do it for me anymore. In fact, when I’m alone, the effect is much more negative than anything else. Getting stoned only puts me in a more anxious mindset. No more.

Today’s anxiety started almost right after I woke up. It was about Logan. I think about him constantly. “The Feeling” passed, and I continued on with my day, even though I only got out of bed at 1 p.m.

I made myself some lunch, applied to a few jobs, and then got a surprise phone call. It was a Montessori school located outside of the city, following up on an application I submitted yesterday for a communications job. They want me to come in for an interview! I’m actually really excited about the job. Working in a school is definitely something I’m interested in, and I think it would be a good move for a career path in communications, too. Plus, I would get to work around kids, which is a huge bonus for me. After all, I basically have the mind of child myself. I feel like this would be my opportunity to have what I really want – a chance to make a difference. The interview is next week, so we’ll see how it goes, I guess.

This afternoon I had my appointment with Dr. Cohen about my anxiety and depression. He gave me the standard pep talk that I’ve been given by everyone, including myself: “This is normal. Unless you win the job lottery, everyone goes through this at your age and it will eventually pass.” We talked for quite a while, which is typical for a Dr. Cohen visit. He certainly helped me in his own way, but there’s only so much Dr. Cohen can do as my Family Doctor. I still want to talk to someone else. My anxiety extends beyond job stuff. I need to sit down with a therapist and discuss relationship and body image issues as well. Dr. Cohen is going to look into psychiatrists and get back to me tomorrow.

Dr. Cohen was also much more loosey-goosey with medication than I had anticipated. I mean, the first thing he did after I finished explaining my problem was whip out his prescription pad. At first, it seemed like medication was going to be his only solution. How was this the same man who gave me a 30-minute lecture on my marijuana habits during my last physical? Dr. Cohen asked me if I thought this would be a short- or long-term situation, and I said short-term. At the end of the day, I know this will pass, too. At least, I hope it will.

I left Dr. Cohen’s office with a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication. Xanax, to be exact. Dr. Cohen said it’s a pretty low dose, but will help to calm me when I have the fits I’ve been experiencing. I haven’t filled the prescription yet. I know I probably should, but I’m almost afraid to. Why? Because I never thought that I would need something like this to make me happy. I’m scared.

After I got home from Dr. Cohen’s, I had dinner with Mom and we talked for a bit. I gave her a brief synopsis of my appointment, leaving out the fact that I now hold a Xanax prescription, and we discussed some of my feelings about Logan. I cried.

This whole Logan situation is fucked up. He doesn’t care about me the way I care about him. Logan didn’t even contact me today. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here crying over him. Make no mistake, I can see how ridiculous it is. But, I still get so wrapped up in everything. It freaks me out. I want Logan, but I can’t have him. Is that why I want him? I can’t even explore a relationship with him because of the distance issue. But, if Logan felt the same way about me, wouldn’t he be actively discussing a possible visit? If I could, I would take off and see him this weekend. And next. And the one after that. I would take any chance I got, because that’s how much I like him. But, am I chasing someone who’s just going to let me down? The signs are there. I can read them. I’m just too fucking stupid to accept them.

I worked out, took a shower, and thought to myself, “I need a distraction.” Maybe I need to start dating someone? Or at least find someone to fuck? Don’t they say that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else? At this point, I’d do anything to get my mind off Logan. As I look at the Xanax prescription sitting on my nightstand, I can see that he’s literally driving me insane.

Well, I guess I’m trying to be

Nonchalant about it

And I’m going to extremes

To prove I’m fine without you

But in reality I’m

Slowly losing my mind

Underneath the guise of smile

Gradually I’m dying inside

— Mariah Carey, “Breakdown”

Goodnight xo

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