Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 12)

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February 20

February 20

I haven’t been keeping much track of my days lately, but writing “February 20” just now made me kind of happy that we are slowly leaving winter behind. I want out. I don’t know why anyone would want to live this way. Toronto is nothing but grey skies, snow, and seasonal depression for half of the year. It’s abusive! Yet another reason why I feel trapped. Where else am I going to go? Everywhere in Canada is cold!

After breakfast, I worked on some unemployment insurance paperwork. I was approved for the payments a while ago, but have only received one check since then. Now, the government wants a detailed report of every job I’ve applied to since January. I’m not even done, and I have over six pages of information about my job search. I want the report to be as detailed and long as possible to show them that I’m not fucking around. I want my money now, assholes! Fucking government. Quick to take, but slow to give. Ridiculous.

Did my usual workout routine a bit earlier today, then got myself all dolled up and went over to Kate and Adam’s house for dinner. The two of them were hosting a casual dinner for their wedding party, which was really nice. There was a lot of alcohol being passed around over the course of the evening, but I didn’t drink anything aside from water and a sip of champagne during the toast.

I don’t want to drink anymore. I have so many other things to focus on right now, and I find alcohol does nothing but derail any progress I’m fortunate enough to achieve. Case in point: Las Vegas. Booze also makes me gain weight. Recently, I’ve noticed that I’ve put on quite a few pounds since my New York City and West Coast trips. Granted, that might have also had something to do with all of the burgers, fries, and chicken fingers I consumed over those two weeks.

Overall, dinner at Kate’s was a really nice night with a lot of good friends, including my Natasha. That being said, I’m still having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that someone my age, much less one of my very best friends, is a homeowner. It’s so strange. Foreign. Owning a home and having a mortgage seem like such adult qualities, yet here we are still behaving so young within those walls. We are young, though. Aren’t we? When I think of the type of people who own houses, I think of my parents. I just can’t imagine Mom and Dad doing shots at the dinner table like the group was tonight. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I can’t help but find the juxtaposition very jarring at times.

I know I’m being overly critical. The reality is that Kate and Adam are very stable and responsible people during the week. I know they are. I mean, you’d have to be if you own a house and are getting married, right? At the end of the day, I know the two of them are happy, and that’s all I ever want for them. But, still. I don’t know. Maybe part of my bewilderment is also because I’m so fucking far from that kind of lifestyle right now. Is this an insecurity on my part? I can’t even fathom the idea of owning a house or settling down with a husband right now. Hell, I can’t even land a fucking boyfriend at this point. I feel like I’m so far behind everyone else.

I drove Natasha back to her parents’ house after dinner – a.k.a. my parents’ first house. Once I got back to Casa Z, I took one of my Xanax pills for the first time. It’s been about 20 minutes. I still don’t feel anything. I guess we’ll see what happens.

No word from Logan again today. This really sucks. I don’t even have it in me to describe my feelings anymore. I’m hurt, but I’m also reaching a point where I’m tired of feeling like garbage. There’s only so long you can hold on to something that clearly just isn’t there for you.

Weird. My head just started feeling a little heavy. Maybe the meds are working? Mind you, it could also be that it’s 2 a.m.

I’m still sad. I miss Logan. I know it’s not something I can wish for, but I can’t help but hope that he might feel the same way about me. Natasha hates him. The sad thing is, Natasha is always right about the guys I date. She warned me about Logan.

Goodnight xo

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