Got up on time this morning. I had some weird dreams again last night, which I think might have been a result of the Xanax I took before bed. I can’t remember the dreams. I also didn’t feel much different emotions-wise when I woke up. Is that a good thing? A bad thing? Did the medication even do anything? I’m not sure.
I did my usual workout routine in the afternoon, then went out for dinner with some old work friends in town. One of the girls is moving away, so it was a bit of a send-off for her. It was nice to see everyone together again.
Much to my surprise, Logan sent me a text as soon as I sat down at the restaurant.
Logan: “It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you.”
Uh, likewise? Fuck off with that shit. Why would I continue to message someone who so clearly doesn’t want to talk to me? I responded an hour later on my way home from dinner.
Kurt: “Yeah, how was your weekend?”
Two hours later, Logan replied to my text. We continued to exchange the most basic of small talk, which lasted ten minutes at best, and that was it. Once again, he didn’t even respond to my last message. I can’t take this anymore! If Logan and I are going to continue engaging with one another, it’s going to have to be over the phone. I’m not getting to know him as much as I should by just texting. You can’t get a true sense of someone through an iMessage. This is ridiculous. It’s honestly so fucking rude, too. Why doesn’t he respond? Why does he disappear? You initiated the conversation! Ugh!
Anyway, in the midst of that ill-fated exchange, I raced back to Casa Z after dinner and ran straight upstairs to my room, where I grabbed my bottle of Xanax like some crazed junkie and swallowed a pill. We’ll call it my dessert. I didn’t feel it doing much, so a little while later, I went back for seconds and downed another. However, I think in this situation, I’m not anxious. I’m very, very depressed. Xanax is an anti-anxiety medication, not an anti-depressant. Maybe that’s why it’s not working for me? I don’t know.
Tonight, I decided that I wanted to have a good old fashioned Pow-Wow in my bathroom. A throwback moment to when I was permanently living here at Casa Z. Except, this time I skipped out on my usual buffet of junk food. Nonetheless, I put on my silk robe, brought my office chair into my bathroom, set my laptop and headphones up on the sink countertop, had my Big Gulp of water at my side, and sparked up a very large bowl of Mary Jane.
In typical Pow-Wow fashion, I took to YouTube and proceeded to get lost in a Mariah Carey wormhole. I watched Mimi sing “Rainbow Interlude” from her Las Vegas tour no less than seven times, and cried my eyes out like I never have before. That’s a lie. I’ve definitely cried much harder than I did tonight. But, I was sobbing for all seven viewings. Either way, the point is that there were a lot of tears. It was bad. “Rainbow Interlude” really struck home for me in a way it never had before.
One of Mariah’s live performances of “Petals” was rough, too. The lyrics reminded me of how hard it is to break up with someone. You don’t just leave your partner behind, you leave everything. All of your shared hopes and dreams, your inside jokes, your bonded memories – it all begins to fade away after you break up. It’s so sad. I really struggle with letting go of the past, relationships or otherwise. You’d think Logan would come to mind during thoughts like those, but it was actually RX. I miss him, and I think I’m still hurting over the way things ended between us. As bad as things were at times, RX never treated me the way Logan has. He had so much more compassion.
I cried a lot tonight. I’m very sad. I still feel like I’m in a dark hole that I can’t get out of. I keep trying to climb upwards, telling myself, “It will get better. The darkness will go away, and you will be alright. Find that rainbow’s end.” It’s not working, though. I’m so deep in my well of despair and escaping this depression seems almost impossible at this point. It’s a prime example of “easier said than done.”
Logan hit me hard. Or, rather, I fell for him hard. The worst part, to be completely honest, is if Logan changed his mind, came around, and wanted to be with me – I would do it. Although, now that I’m writing that out, it sounds weak. I don’t know. One thing’s for sure, Logan has a real knack for making me feel like shit. I almost compared him to Nate Presley. Wow, that’s a blast from the past. Let’s leave that asshole ex back in 2015, where he belongs. Still, do guys like Nate and Logan know that they’re behaving this way? Do they understand how hurtful their actions – or lack thereof – are? They have to! NOBODY IS THIS CLUELESS!
There is a rainbow
For me to follow
To get beyond my sorrow
Precedes the sunlight
So I’ll be all right
If I can find that rainbow’s end
I will be all right
If I can find that
— Mariah Carey, “Rainbow (Interlude)”