Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 12)

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February 22

February 22

Apart from my sleeping in this morning, I was determined to be productive today. Fortunately, I actually delivered on that front for once.

My morning began with a pounding headache as soon as I woke up. Unless there’s an evening of alcohol involved the night before, or a prolonged absence of caffeine in my diet, it’s rare for that to happen to me. I smoked last night, but I don’t typically get headaches from pot. Maybe a bit of morning weed grog and haziness, but not a migraine like this morning’s. It leads me to believe that the Xanax I took before my Pow-Wow did something to my head. I’m not sure what exactly, but something must have happened. I also just remembered that I took two pills for the first time, so now I’m realizing that none of this is really all that surprising. Never mind. Moving on.

Once I remedied my head with a variety of vitamins and a few liters of water, that’s when the aforementioned productivity began. I applied to quite a few different jobs, dealt with some MOMENTS party stuff, and then prepped for my unemployment insurance meeting and job interview with the Montessori school, both of which are taking place this week. So, I’m staying on top of things, keeping busy, and trying to keep my mind occupied. This is all very good! Excellent work, Kurty.

I was texting Logan a bit this afternoon. Yeah, I fucking caved. As usual. Although, staying true to what I wrote last night, I asked Logan if I could call him once he got home from work. Texting with him clearly isn’t working, so I thought a phone call would help to clear up some of the anxious thoughts I’ve been having about our pseudo relationship. Well, that didn’t fucking work, either! Logan responded to my request, saying, “Tonight’s not the best time. I’m working late and I’ve had a very long day.”

Ugh. I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d had enough. Finally, I came out and said that I feel like I’ve been annoying or inconveniencing him.

“You don’t,” he replied. Adding, “I do get in a work mode/mood, though, and it’s often reflected in my texting habits.”

At least Logan was being honest about it. Seeing as how we were finally conversing in real time, consistently exchanging messages back and forth, I kept the conversation going. I told Logan that his lack of communication is why I backed off last week. Much to my surprise, he apologized. I wanted to say more about how I was hurt that he never even thought to message me during those four days, but it wasn’t worth it in the moment. The conversation basically ended there. Big surprise! I haven’t heard from Logan since. Whatever.

After wrapping up a few more job applications, I had dinner and cried while watching an episode of The Comeback. What a brilliant show. Lisa Kudrow deserves every award for her work as Valerie Cherish. She’s a friggin’ genius! (*Anna Nicole Smith voice*). After dinner, I went upstairs to my room and cried to Mariah Carey’s “Rainbow Interlude” again. Well, it was more like three times. Mariah just gets me, you know?

I capped off my evening with a long session in the gym – where I did not cry – then used the sauna and proceeded to get washed up. I ended up blazing before bed again. This is what happens once I start smoking weed – I can’t stop. Sparking up my pipe and having a Pow-Wow also means I stay awake making Instagram videos in my bathroom until 3 a.m. Damn it, Kurt! You have that unemployment meeting tomorrow! Idiot. Well, let’s hope it’s a good meeting. I want my damn money!

So I’ll have a little more wine

And I’ll try to drink you

Out of my head

And I’ll lay awake awhile

’Til I’m high enough I can

Forget all about you until

I wake up again

— Mariah Carey, “Babydoll”

Goodnight xo

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