Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 12)

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February 23

February 23

Woke up fairly exhausted because of last night, but still managed to get my ass out of bed, in the car, and downtown for that unemployment insurance interview at 9 a.m. Of course, once I arrived, I found out it was less of an “interview” and more of a “ten unemployed people in a lecture room listening to a government employee talk about unemployment insurance rights and responsibilities for an hour” thing. Also known as: a goddamn waste of my time.

None of this pogey shit even matters anymore. Each week since I was approved for payments, I’ve had to submit an online report about my job search to keep the government updated on my progress. I have fucked up those reports up to hell and back. You’re not even supposed to leave the country while on unemployment, so I was likely disqualified weeks ago. To make matters worse, a lady called me once I got home from my “interview” today and asked me a bunch of questions about why I took those trips to the US, as she could see them in some government database or whatever. I left Canada, because this place is a frozen wasteland, lady! Jesus. It’s not like I’ll be going back to New York City any time soon. Fuck, man! I’ve received one payment so far. I highly doubt there will be another.

I didn’t talk to Logan at all today. Again. I’m not going to initiate anything for a while now. I know I’ve said that before, but this time I mean it. There’s no point in chipping away at my own dignity by continually messaging someone who clearly does not want to converse with me. So, fuck it. I’m trying to stay focused with other stuff. I really hope my interview on Thursday with the Montessori school goes well.

I blazed this afternoon as a 4:20 delight. As if that weren’t enough laziness for one day, I sparked up again a couple of hours later, jacked off, and then took a nap. Oy.

All of this was because I begrudgingly skipped my run tonight. My left foot has a very deep cut in it, which often happens during the winter, and I can barely walk. Normally, I’m fine with skipping the gym for this reason, as running is out of the question. However, tonight I just ended up spending that gym time eating my entire body weight in chips and other junk food. I thought about throwing it up. The anxiety I experience when I overeat like that can be completely overwhelming. But, honestly, I can’t see myself going down that road again. I suppose that’s a good thing to be able to recognize. Things are really shitty right now, but at least I’m somewhat level-headed with my body image stuff at the moment. Just don’t open up another fucking bag of Sriracha chips, you fat fuck.

I blazed again after my binge eating, made some emotionally questionable Instagram videos, and then finally went to bed.

I thought about RX a bit today. You know, just how when things were starting out with us way back when, everything was so enjoyable. It was fun! When I look back on that time, I can’t help but smile. Being with RX was so easy. We always had the best time together, and there was no question about whether or not we liked one another. When I was with RX, I never felt the way I do now with Logan. Maybe I do still miss RX. Damn.

Goodnight xo

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