Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 12)

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February 24

February 24

I didn’t leave house today. Actually, I barely left my bedroom today. Mom and Dad had various work-related visitors roaming around the house throughout the afternoon, so I shut my door and put on my anti-social hat. I didn’t really think it was possible to spend more time than I already do locked up in my Disney-themed tower, but it is what it is. I hate small talk, especially when it’s in response to my parents’ friends asking me, “What are you doing these days?” My isolation was actually a really good thing, though. I managed to get quite a bit of work done.

Of course, by “work” I mean, “crossing various items off the checklist for my Mariah Carey MOMENTS party.” If I’m not firing off applications for every new job I find online, then I’m likely spending my time working on all of the details surrounding my event. The logistics are a little bit insane, to be honest. I know a lot of that has to do with my personality and inclination to completely over-plan, but I also need something like this event to keep my mind busy. That part of all this “insanity” hasn’t been lost on me.

As I work towards finding employment, MOMENTS is the closest thing I have to a job. At the end of the day, I’m also hoping that the success of this event is what will help me get a job. I mean, even now, with the fucking thing a month away, I’ve been peddling an “Event Coordinator” job title in every one of my recent interviews. I’ve created an entire section of my resume focused around an event that hasn’t even happened yet. That’s how desperate I am for a job. Desperate? Clever? Pathological liar, maybe? Hmm.

I’d definitely be lying if I said I didn’t love planning MOMENTS, though. Obviously, I have my ulterior motives, but if this wasn’t a passion project, there’s no way I would be committing this much time to a glorified club night. I enjoy working out the little details. The whole thing is really quite exciting and I’m also learning a lot as I plan everything.

However, it’s not all butterflies, rainbows, and charm bracelets. There’s this voice in my head that keeps questioning everything I do. My inner naysayer, who is constantly delivering the world’s most negative monologue. The planning is going well right now, but that voice causes me to question when I’m going to fail. Not if, but when. At what point am I going to lose control of everything and have this entire event unravel before my eyes? I’m constantly nervous. Always on edge. There’s so much riding on this event. Yet, I also know how important it is for me to maintain a confident front. As the sole planner of this fairly large-scale event, I really don’t have any idea what I’m doing. If there were ever a time to fake until I make it, this would be it. Otherwise, the entire event will fall apart.

Amidst the MOMENTS stuff, I sent off a few more job applications. I also prepped for tomorrow’s interview with the Montessori school, but definitely not as much as I should have. After that, I worked out, made Instagram videos before bed, and then fell asleep.

Still no word from Logan. It’s upsetting. Well, obviously. But, now I’m getting a little more angry than sad. Things are different now. I’ve explicitly expressed to Logan how his lack of communication makes me feel. This now means that Logan is actively avoiding contact with me when he knows I am upset by it. Yeah, it’s sad. But, it’s annoying, too. Why? Because I want to text him. I love talking to Logan. If I could, I would talk to him all the fucking live long day. However, I’m also trying to prove some sort of point here. I’m too damn stubborn to pick up my phone and press send. And, why should I? I’m not going to sit here and continue chipping away at my own self-esteem by attempting to reach out and contact someone who clearly does not want to communicate with me. Even I know I’m worth more than that. At least, I hope I am.

The ball’s in your court, bucko. Good luck.

Goodnight xo

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