Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 12)

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February 28

February 28

Did the usual sleep in, then went downstairs and made breakfast for myself and the boys. Soon after, they packed up their things and I drove the three of them to the subway station so they could make their trek back to the city. Business as usual for a Casa Z sleepover.

My anxiety was through the roof today. Almost immediately after I got home from dropping off the guys, I caved. I couldn’t hold back any longer. I finally messaged Logan.

Haven’t heard from you in a while – hope your week/end was good.”

It was my passive aggressive, not-so-smooth way of throwing back the exact same thing Logan sent to me last week when I was out for dinner. You know, as if I’m the one that’s being the asshole with communication.

Logan responded almost right away. The thing is, I knew he would. That’s the whole part that’s annoying. I know Logan’s on his phone. I know he’s Snapchatting. I can see all of the stuff he’s posting on Instagram. Yet, despite all of that social media activity, he can’t be bothered to initiate any sort of dialogue with me?

Logan told me about his week, which was apparently a bad one. The media organization he works for was sold to another company, and a lot of people are jumping ship. He mentioned how he wants to quit as well, because the current work environment is affecting his personal life too much, and also how he’s excited to leave the country for his upcoming Euro trip. There was no mention as to why we didn’t speak for a week.

There was a brief moment when Logan asked me how I was doing, but I didn’t elaborate much. I don’t feel comfortable sharing things with him anymore. I feel like he doesn’t really give a shit. What I wanted from today’s conversation was a resolution as to why we hadn’t talked in almost a week. That’s all I had on my mind. The sad thing is, I don’t even think Logan noticed how long it had been. Even if he did, he sure as fuck didn’t care. So, that’s what I’m dealing with now? I feel so desperate. I even stooped so low as to drop yet another invitation for him to visit me in Toronto, and he responded with a vaguely positive answer: “I want to, but I’m not sure when.”

My anxiety only grew worse throughout the day. The Store called me up and asked if I wanted to work again. Apparently, a few people quit recently, and they’re going to have some extra hours available in the coming weeks. I’m not exactly thrilled to be working retail at my hometown mall, but I’m also not in a position to turn down work. I need the cash.

Before I left for my shift at The Store, I was gathering my things in the kitchen and ended up almost breaking down to Mom. She had asked me something about Logan and I couldn’t even have a conversation with her about him. I took a Xanax in the car on my way to work. I took another one in the mall parking lot 30 minutes later. As a result, I was fairly mopey for the remainder of the afternoon. The medication just dulls you. Like, you’re just – blah. It doesn’t make you feel happy.

After four hours, I finished up at The Store and began my drive back to Casa Z. I was on the highway, speeding and listening to Toni Braxton, and that’s when things finally began to click for me.

Logan Hunter does not care about you.

You are not a priority to Logan, and you never will be.

You’re going after someone who maybe cares for you, but who is not giving you what you deserve.

You are worth more than this.

You should be with someone who wants to talk to you.

You deserve someone who wants to know about your day, and who thinks about you during theirs.

Distance shouldn’t matter.

Ugh. Fuck. That was not easy for me to write. I don’t want to admit those things. I don’t want to commit statements like those to writing, because there’s still this weak part of me that wants Logan to turn around. But, that’s all beginning to fade now. I feel like garbage. Logan makes me unhappier than anything else in my life these days, and I know that’s not okay.

Logan doesn’t want you.

Once I was back at Casa Z, I smoked some weed, listened to Mariah, took a shower, and stayed up way too late. But, at least I’m feeling a bit better now. Sometimes I think it’s good to get a little bit angry. I am angry. I’m angry that I invested so much of my energy and emotions into someone, and now they are treating me like this.

Motherfucker!

Ughhh!

I need that anger, though. I need it because that rage makes it easier for me to avoid Logan. Oh, and Logan also made his Instagram private today, so now I can’t look at it anymore. Logan has followed my account since December, but I never followed him back. At first, I thought the privatization was a horrible thing. However, I’m beginning to think it’s actually going to be for the best. Now, I’m not going to be able to continue looking at his account in extreme detail 20 times a day.

During my Pow-Wow, I trolled the internet, made an Instagram video to flush out some emotions, and even texted with Tito for a bit. He told me he wants to make out with me. Oh boy. Here we go again. After that, I crawled into bed, which is where I am now.

How is it 2 a.m.? I’m excited for a new week. More things seem to happen on weekdays than they do on weekends.

Un-break my heart

Say you’ll love me again

Undo this hurt you caused

When you walked out the door

And walked out of my life

— Toni Braxton, “Un-Break My Heart”

Goodnight xo

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