Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 12)

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February 3

February 3

Did the usual morning sleep-in and make-out routine with Logan. Pretty early on, he confessed to me, “I want you so bad. I want to be inside you.” But, that was basically right at the beginning of our fooling around. Ever heard of foreplay?

A little bit after that, I tried to pull Logan closer to me. I wanted to give him head. “I want to wait on it,” he said. I had since moved past my initial hesitation from the first night and thought Logan might have as well. Nope. Instead, it was just another wake-up call of, “Oh, yeah. This guy sleeps with other people and gave you a STD, which you’re still in the treatment window for.” That’s why he didn’t want me to give him a blowjob. Fuck.

I couldn’t stop my mind from wandering. I was thinking about everything that had happened last week, all while Logan was still going at me full force – making out, grinding, etc. I was trying to get into it, but I know I was basically just lying there and going through the motions. It was kind of sad.

Logan picked up on my melancholy. He stopped and said, “I can’t reach you.” I told him I had a lot on my mind, which he said he could understand. Fuck. We lay there silently for a bit and eventually I started getting back into it, but then Logan had to shower for work. Afterwards, however, he was starting to get dressed and became turned on by the sight of me in sweatpants. We started to fool around again. Logan asked me, “Do you want to fuck?”

Listen. I know that’s what it is. But, the way Logan said it seemed so – unromantic, you know? Like, I want it all. I want the whole nine yards. I want to see stars. Not just, “Here’s my cock. Let me wrap it in plastic and shove it up your ass.”

“I’m not sure,” I said.

“That’s my answer,” Logan responded, turning away to continue getting dressed.

Fuck, man. I was still horny! I asked Logan how late he could be for work – he was already an hour late at this point. Once he knew what I was getting at, penetration was back on the table. Or was it on the bed?

Before we got down to business, I told Logan, “I want it all. I like the lead up. I like playing all the bases. If I can’t have that right now, you better make out with me a lot. I want all the tongue.”

Due to the sexually diseased elephant in the room, a few bases were skipped. However, Logan did give me all the tongue. We had sex. It was great. I really like having sex with Logan.

We cleaned up, Logan went to work, and I relaxed. I also looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and examined my naked body. Let’s just say I’m not looking half bad these days. Emphasis on the half. Maybe it was just a post-penetration glow.

I began texting with Natasha and Kate and they asked me how things were going. Honestly, at this point I feel much more stable about the whole situation. Let’s think about this. I’ve known Logan for just under two months. Even in a normal situation at home, that would be too soon to be thinking about something serious, right? I guess I felt different about our relationship because I felt so differently about him, but I know it’s still early. I told the girls that I just want to make the most of my trip, try to see Logan when I can, and continue getting to know more and more about him as time goes on. That’s where I’m at right now.

A few hours later, I went for a run around Central Park in the pouring rain. It was very cleansing for me. The endorphins also helped get my mind off an email I received this morning. I didn’t get the Hot Docs job that I interviewed for last week. “Not enough experience,” they said. Otherwise known as the all too familiar, “Thanks, but no thanks.” Maybe I shouldn’t have talked so much about drag queens during my interview? Oh, well. Back to start, I guess. Damn it.

Went back to the apartment after my run and worked on MOMENTS stuff until Logan got home around 7 p.m. The entire event is live on Facebook and Instagram now. All of my work is out there for the world to see, and it’s both terrifying and exciting. I can’t wait to take this thing to the highest heights.

Speaking of high, once Logan got home from work, we relaxed with wine and a snack. Before we left for the Carnegie Hall recital he got us tickets for, Logan wanted to blaze. I was hesitant, but I did it. I took the pipe and said hello to my old friend, Mary Jane.

Fucking hell, I shouldn’t have done it. What a bitch! I’m thinking right now as I write this, why didn’t I just fake it? It’s not like Logan was watching me inhale. I got way too into my head. I was so stoned.

Logan and I left the apartment, got in a cab, and, of course, my mind started racing in every direction. When I would speak, I felt like I wasn’t saying anything of substance, so I stayed quiet for the most of the ride. I felt so anxious. Like, anxious in the way that we were sitting silently in the cab, but I was having a panicked conversation in my head, thinking, “I shouldn’t have done this. I should not have done this!” But, then there were moments where Logan would take my hand or make physical contact with me in some way, and it grounded me. I didn’t have to talk to him. Knowing Logan was at my side made everything better. It was very calming.

We arrived at Carnegie Hall and took our seats in the second row. The recital blew my mind. It was incredible. I didn’t want to gush too much, but I loved it and made sure Logan knew. He even went and bought us “splashes” during intermission. I felt really special.

Then I got in my fucking head again.

I felt so – uncultured. On the one hand, I felt so privileged. Logan is probably the most distinguished guy I’ve ever been with. He’s so smart and knowledgeable about everything. So, that part of me says, “Take advantage of this. You are so lucky! When the fuck did we – I think in plural – ever think we were going to see something like this? It’s a whole new world we’re seeing here!”

Then there’s the other side of me that says, “Jesus Christ, you’re such a fucking simpleton,” and it’s because I don’t even know how to properly discuss these things with him. I’m learning, for sure. But, I’m definitely not at Logan’s level of intellect. The recital programme, for example. I had no idea what I was reading. I couldn’t even distinguish the composers from the players. Are they even called players? What’s a piece? When do I clap? Is it over?

All of this and more was going through my mind the entire time. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I want to learn. I want to know more about all of this stuff. I want to expand my mind to the very furthest limits and what I like about Logan is that he’s helping me do that.

The recital was truly amazing. I felt very fortunate to have had the opportunity to experience something like that the way I did, with Logan. He took my hand at one point and it was total bliss. My heart was melting. After the recital, we walked to Jacob’s Pickles for dinner and my mind began wandering again. I was word vomiting all over the place, but Logan didn’t seem to mind.

It’s always a tricky situation when you get high with someone you’re dating. I don’t really like it, to be honest, because I don’t know how to read Logan yet. I don’t know where his mind goes when he’s stoned and then I begin to over-analyze what he might be thinking. It’s a learning curve, I guess. Something I’m really trying to do is just get out of my fucking head! I say that as I’m writing out all my thoughts, which is ironic, but I don’t want to analyze things in the moment as much as I do. I just want to let life happen, and stop worrying about what someone else might be thinking.

I want Logan to like me. But, that’s exactly the problem. By thinking that, I’m likely changing my behaviors, and that’s not why he liked me in the first place. So, just be yourself, baby. You’ll learn about this stuff. You’ll gain the culture and everything else in time, but don’t lose yourself in the process.

Dinner was great, except for the coked-out party beside us who wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Logan wanted to split the check, but and I was adamant that I wanted to pay. We were just about to leave, and then he looked at the bill and added $5 to my already $20 tip, which I thought was slightly insulting. It bugged me.

We walked home and basically collapsed on the bed right away. Logan read a magazine and I rested my head on the pillows. We didn’t say anything. Just before 2 a.m., we washed up and went to bed. I thanked him again for a wonderful evening and we fell asleep.

Goodnight xo

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