Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 12)

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February 5

February 5

Logan and I had to wake up early today because there was a repairman coming to fix his oven. The guy never showed, so we proceeded to fool around for most of the morning. Logan’s lips still never ventured south of the border, but we got pretty into things. Eventually, he was on top of me, stroking both of us at the same time. Logan came on my chest. I did the same, all while pressed beneath his naked body. Honestly, it was such a turn on. Well, obviously. Yum.

As much as I wanted Logan to stay home from work today – like he originally said he was going to – he didn’t. I expressed my distaste, but didn’t press. Work is work, I suppose. Went for my run in the afternoon, which was amazing as usual, and then came back to the apartment, washed up, and left again for some errands. I seem to be doing a lot of racing around for someone on vacation. Vacation from what? I don’t know.

I went over to Trader Joe’s and the local butcher to pick up all of the ingredients for an amazing dinner. When Logan got home around 7 p.m., I had it hooked up! Seriously. A glass of wine waiting for him, a full charcuterie board, and ribs and mashed potatoes on hold. It was a fantastic meal by any means.

Perhaps it was a bit too fantastic, though. Logan and I had plans to go out in the West Village tonight, but after dinner his persona completely changed from, “Look what I brought home for dessert,” (a bottle of vodka) to, “I have the –itis.” I still don’t know what the fuck “the –itis” is, but he was completely lethargic. I started on the dishes as Logan rested on the couch, and when I came back into the room, he had passed out. At 11:30 p.m. So, that was that. It sucked. I didn’t want him to feel like he had to entertain me, but it was a Friday night and I really wanted to go out. I wanted to meet his friends, too.

Yesterday, I kind of came to the realization that I don’t trust Logan at all. It’s a horrible thing to admit and realize, especially after the fairytale moment I had last night, but it’s true. I don’t trust him. Logan’s probably texting other guys, he’s going to fuck other guys, and as much as I want to be his special one, I know that I’m not. It goes hand in hand with me realizing how badly I handled the whole “we aren’t a couple” situation and how unrealistic my vision was. I like Logan a lot. I really do. However, this is a unique moment in time that I’m spending with him. I know everything will be different once I’m back home. In terms of my feelings, the situation has changed so many times that now I’m not so much upset by it, but perhaps accustomed to the realities of our arrangement.

On the other hand, I have moments like last night where I still manage to get swept up in that fairytale and think, “Wow, I am so incredibly lucky.” I’m trying to choose to remember those moments. The ones where I feel like the luckiest guy in the world, not the ones where Logan passes out after dinner, snoring loudly as I wash dishes at midnight. Maybe I really am Cinderella?

I want you to want me

I need you to need me

I’d love you to love me

— Cheap Trick, “I Want You to Want Me”

Goodnight xo

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