I woke up really early and couldn’t fall back asleep, so I did some work on the couch and cleaned up my suitcase while Logan slept until about 11 a.m. He was in a really lazy, groggy mood and then finally expressed that he had a headache and it was most likely a very low-grade hangover. Great.
Logan went out to pick up his laundry and returned with fresh muffins, flowers, and coffee as well, which was sweet of him. We sat on the couch for a while sharing a newspaper, Logan reading articles and me pretending to do the same but really just reading the comics section. Later, he asked if I wanted to shower with him, so that happened. It was really hot. We didn’t even finish, actually. Halfway through, we got out, dried off, and then jumped on the bed. One thing led to another, and I finally got my whole nine yards moment as we hit every base leading up to, and including, a really good fuck. Finally!
Afterwards, Logan’s mood shifted again. It’s one of those things where you can’t help but notice, because it feels so shitty. It feels like I must have done something for him to shut down and zone out into his phone. I don’t know. I showered alone and got all of my stuff ready for the day, remaining silent the whole time. Logan eventually came over to where I was sitting, kissed me, and told me how handsome I looked, which he was doing all morning. So, maybe a part of it was me, too? I maintain the notion that I don’t want constant attention, so why am I upset when he doesn’t talk to me for ten minutes?
Logan had planned our afternoon to include two art galleries, some record shops, and a walk around Chelsea and the East Village. Before we headed out, we smoked again. I’ve gotta say, I’m doing much better with it. I don’t want to use the term “learning curve.” It’s not as if I’m a novice stoner. I definitely think there’s some time necessary to become comfortable with someone else while high, though. I think I’m at that point now, which is nice. I wasn’t anxious or shifty. It was just nice to be outside with Logan and be in his company.
We did the galleries, the shops, walked the High Line, and got hot chocolate, too. It was such a pretty walk and the galleries were so enlightening. I really liked the experience, and it’s just another layer to all of the things that I like about Logan. I feel like there’s this whole world that’s been available to me all this time and now I have someone who is showing it to me. And it’s making me want more. It’s also making me sad, because I know I won’t see Logan again for a while after this trip.
After some more walking, we got cocktails at three different bars – all fantastic – and then Logan bought us dinner at a really great Italian restaurant. Everything just feels so right when I’m with him. I feel like a better person. I think that’s why it hurts even more when I remember the realities of our relationship. That, no matter how badly I want to be with Logan and share my life with him, our encounters are limited to pre-arranged visits. It seriously pains me. I don’t know how describe it. Those anxious feelings I had at the beginning of last month – that’s how I feel. It’s horrible.
Instead of hitting up more bars, we decided to go home. Probably a good idea, since it was 10 p.m. We got back to the apartment and Logan was pretty drunk, so he flopped on the bed and didn’t move for a while. I drank some wine alone and then we talked for a bit. When it was clear that we wouldn’t be doing anything sexual, I got ready for bed and smoked some more weed before we cuddled and fell asleep in each other’s arms around 1 a.m.
I don’t want to leave. It physically hurts me to think about it. I look back on what happened last week with the reality check and the STD notification. I won’t pretend like my reaction was unwarranted. That was still a lot of information – bad information – that was dropped on me very unexpectedly, and I had a hard time dealing with it. Regardless of the amount of time I’ve known Logan, someone I really care for – the first person like this since RX – really broke my trust. I felt pushed away, and it hurt.
Now, I think of the situation a little more reasonably. We’ve only known each other (almost) two months, and this would be fast even for a couple living in the same city. So, I am able to recognize that and remain incredibly thankful for the opportunities that have been given to me in such a short time. I’m really lucky. It’ll no doubt be a slow process in how things develop between Logan and I, but I can tell you right now that I can’t get enough of him. I love everything about Logan and everything about the way he makes me feel. I only hope that one day I will get to be with him for more than just a visit.
I almost didn’t go on this trip. At the time, every part of it seemed like a very bad idea. In fact, I still feel like I’m continually setting myself up for disappointment. I’m consciously entering a situation where the guy I love is, for the most part, unattainable. What’s different now, though, is that I’ve accepted the realities a bit more. “A bit.” My feelings for Logan remain the same, though – if not stronger. I hope I’ll get to see him again soon.
“You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you’re
Ready to land”
— Mariah Carey, “Butterfly”