Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 12)

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February 8

February 8

Hardly got any sleep last night, but still managed to scoop my cottage cheese ass out of bed, pull myself together, and to make it to the airport with Mom for 6:30 a.m. Our flight was delayed by over an hour. Once we finally landed at LAX, there were even more setbacks with the rental car. Cranky would be an understatement. I literally said out loud to myself at one point, “I am about to pop OFF!”

I was so hangry. I was trying to keep it together, but if I don’t get enough sleep I cannot be blamed for my actions. I was also purposely starving myself so I wouldn’t look like a beached whale upon arrival in California. I was dying out, warning Mom, “I cannot go on much longer,” as the bitch behind the rental car counter was seriously testing my patience. Just give me the keys and nobody gets hurt, okay? Finally, we settled things at the desk, took the car across the street to In-N-Out Burger, cured my self-induced famine, and continued with our day.

We drove around LA, WeHo, and Burbank for a bit making a variety of stops, hit up Costco for booze, got groceries at Trader Joe’s, and after two hours of sitting in traffic pon de 5, we finally made it to Disneyland. Yay!

After settling in at the hotel, I reconnected with some much-needed Wi-Fi, only to discover that there were no messages waiting for me in cyber space. That’s when the Logan situation began to hit me more and more. I’d been thinking about him all day, but it’s in the down times that I really get inside my head. I replay all of the magical moments we shared together last week and begin to obsess over how much I want to be with him. Or even just talk to him. He’s already beginning to disappear on me again. I knew this was going to happen. It sucks.

Mom and I spent about $170 on wine and various hard liquors at Costco for the Vegas leg of the trip. Well, she did. I just filled our shopping cart. The two of us dipped into our stash, then went for dinner at the resort. It was a tiki-themed restaurant, so we also got some pretty strong drinks with our meals, bonding and laughing together over the course of a couple hours. It was a lot of fun. It’s how I wish every moment with Mom could be, but it seems like there always comes a time when I lose my patience with her.

I don’t want to be Angry Kurt. I really try not to be, but it’s as if something takes over me at times. Like I’m the Hulk, or something. I’ll lose my temper and become this nasty version of myself that lashes out at Mom over the smallest thing. I hate it so much. I hate myself so much in those moments. Mom doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. I know that. And every time I shrink back down to regular size, I feel nothing but guilt and shame over the way I acted. I’m working on it. I really want to improve. I know I say that every time, but I always mean it. It’s just a long process, I guess.

The two of us walked around Downtown Disney for a while after dinner, then returned to the hotel for bed. I’m looking forward to the rest of this trip. That being said, I’m already getting nervous about my food intake. Things could go south really quickly. Fuck.

Goodnight xo

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